BPDRecovery.com: Forums

HI

I have not posted in some time, so I feel a little guilty for just coming back when I need help

my situation is that due to money I have changed my life style a bit, well I now have to stick to a budget rigidly, this has led to not being able to afford T and have one session left. I cant afford alcohol and smoke which I realise was not running my life, and I controled it, well it helped me relax, and saty positive in late evening.

I have done these things but my tension and depression is kicking in more and more. On weekend I gave up and got roaring drunk, and my impulse and anger rocketed and I got myself in trouble. I thought these times were over after working so hard in T.

I had actually not done this, or self harmed for over 5 years till then, I hate myelf right now, and feel the world is worthless and dangerous again. I am getting overwhelming feeligs of running hiding away getting as far away as possible.

now I feel things will never get better, I am feeling depersonalisation coming back a bit, and you know I want it to. I want to feel numb cos all I feel now is sick, trapped and a load of self hate. I dont really sleep, and mostly on the surface I am holding it all back.

after my next T session thats it cos I can no longer afford it, my money is now only gong on nessecities, food travel to work, I have no luxeries, so cant cut back anymore.

when I was 17 - 18 I went through a really bad depression etc, it kind of feels I am back there now, and almost want to be. I want to really disociate as I could then cos I dont want to be me...does anyone understand?

I know maybe you will want more detail about this to help, but I dont trust enough right now.

I dunno how to move on right now, can you suggest?

Hi Jake -

How are you feeling now? Any better?

I think there might be a couple of things going on for you. One is your feelings about having to do without your support system of therapy, booze, and "smoke" (I'm guessing you might mean pot rather than cigarettes...). That's three things that you really associate with feeling better that you're having to give up. So what's left? Fear? Anger? It's really hard to do without your crutches. Yes, I think even therapy can be a crutch -- we encounter a problem, and our T helps us through it. It's scary to do without that. The alcohol and whatever other mind-altering substance you might use are really false crutches -- they may numb you and relax you, but they don't really solve anything.

So you got to feeling overwhelmed, and you went out and got trashed, and that's the other thing I think is going on: your feelings about having fallen off the wagon of good behavior, so to speak, and misbehaved. So you probably felt like crap physically, plus you were angry with yourself, and feeling guilty on a number of levels -- you didn't behave appropriately, you might have spent money you really didn't have on the alcohol, etc.

So now you want to run away, to hide, to withdraw into yourself. That's pretty normal, I think -- I'd bet most of us feel the same way from time to time. Unfortunately, it's not the healthiest response, and I think you know that.

Try to pick yourself up, and forgive yourself for your bender. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn't really work -- you feel worse than before. So maybe you can cross that off your list of things to do.

I don't know what you have planned for your last therapy session, but I hope you'll have some time to talk with your T about all this. Maybe s/he can help you plan out some coping mechanisms for when you start to feel overwhelmed.

My own T is stretching out the time between my sessions, and my pdoc is doing the same. They really want me to learn to stand on my own two feet. It's really tempting for me to want to self-medicate, and to withdraw into my own isolated little world. But it doesn't work. Like you, I feel worse. So I really try to keep myself as active as I can be. A lot of days, that's not very, but I do the best I can. And I always try to imagine what my T would be telling me if I were sitting in her office. I imagine her sitting on my shoulder when I find myself in some difficult situation. It helps.

I don't know if your current financial situation is long-term, or a temporary set-back. Is there anything you could do to earn a little bit of money on the side? Even if you could only see your T every few months, it might be better than nothing.

I hope you can fight the desire to run and hide. It's scary as hell, but your might surprise yourself at how well you do.

Hi Jake and Welcome Back! :yellowave

I really agree with Sari's reply to your post.

The regrets are only helpful to aid you in acknowledging that something didn't go just right and to signal a course correction. You obviously have that now, so I don't think beating yourself up about what's already happened and is now in the past has any more benefit for you, so maybe you could decide, for e.g. at some time specific today or tomorrow morning that "that was then and this is now" and just start your day new.

It can still feel difficult to find solutions to things, but it actually is quite a bit easier to, with a mind cleared of guilt and self-reprisals, find solutions to problems that you are confronting that, if you continue to carry around the guilt and added depression, would be a lot more difficult to discover.

I hope your T will have some suggestions to help bridge the therapy gap until things get better.

Let us know how you are doing, OK?

Best regards,

Candle

Thanks for replying both

I dont feel good right now, but have not "misbehaved" since.

Its guilt and same I think I am dealing with, also the scare of disociating like I used too. With lots that is going on it feels I get up, go to work, do chores, worry about money, and go back to bed, it feels like a half life.

I dont think its that different from many people I know, its just the way things are at the moment in uk.

I really desire to go back to depression and depersonalisation as it feels safe. A lot of it is constantly expecting the worst, so I never get let down etc. I hold on to my emotions as It feels dangerous to show them.

To be honest apart from monthly T (by the way I will try and ask it I can have it 1 every 3 months to help my money situation) I now dont do any recovery work. I feel I hit a wall with it, had so much of it, I could not take in any more. Now I find it hard to motivate myself to do any, and it does not give me any insight anymore.

is this a case of: I have found reality, and I dont like it?

thanks again, I am ok

Thanks for you replies it means a lot to me