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Minx has mentioned what a number of others have, and what works for me too-

When the obsessiveness starts- when the thoughts kick in, STOP. My T used the saying alternate energy: What could I be doing with this time, rather than sitting in these (SAME) thoughts? She'd also ask: What will it take to be done with it?

This helps me a lot. It is about observing and accepting and letting go- distracting from. While it feels good for a bit- feeding an obsession is not good or healthy. We all come to discover this.

Minx also wrote:



I completely agree. It's all about the feelings. So, I think it's important to look at and understand them more. What are they buying us? What are they taking us from? What feelings are they replacing that we don't want to deal with? Why? What can we do about THOSE things?

Another method I have used lately is that my feelings are mine and no one needs to know them or to validate them. I almost left a friendship because I wanted my feelings validated. The person already knows what I think of them; how much I care about them; how much theyve helped me. I get to a place tho, where, when we've not had a lot of contact, I want contact and I want to get that validation. Thing is- all of this is about me and has little consideration for them and what is occuring in their life or what they need or want. It is one sided; selfish and when I get in this mode, I damage rather than feed the relationship. When I looked at this more objectively, what I realized was not only was I doing damage- but that- whatever my feelings are, do not need to change based on what she is doing.

I know this is simple and obvious to a lot of people, but this was a big step for me to identify that I was allowing her actions to influence my thoughts.

While this may not be the same as your obsession with your T, I think some of the principles and practices can be adapted. If you need to have these feelings; if they help you get thru life; if you feel they do you more good than harm- then go right ahead and have them. You dont need your T, nor us to validate them. You don't need anything from any of us-because, again, your feelings are yours. If it serves you to feel this way- then do so. If, however, it is taking you away from the reality of your life and if they leave you with more discomfort than comfort- then yeah I do agree to keep working on ways to change them.

Whether another T can help or not, I am not sure. T wasn't able to help me much with my anger and disappointmet over ex=T. T isnt able to change the things my friends do or dont that make me question their friendship and if I should still care. T wasn't able to help get me to the core of why I fear abandonment; why I feel so alone. We touched on it, but we never had the light bulb moment where everything about those things came to light and I no longer thought or felt as I did. Alot, really, imo, and I think many people here agree, is about accepting what is in front of us - and, moreso, accepting ourselves. It feels as if when I told myself I didn't need my friends validation of my feelings, it feels as if I then accepted myself. It's a much nicer place to be. It's recent, so I hope it remains for a long time. That is still to be told.

What happens if you accept that you somehow didnt get what you needed as a young girl? What happens if you accept you want that undivided attention from a nuturing older woman? What happens if you take the ways that your T has done this and internalize them (something discussed by a few earlier in this post) ?

What I had discovered is that by continuing to look for 'the fix', I wasn't accepting that I had already received it. I also had to remind myself that I had looked a few times; a few places and in the end, it was never as it was at the start. I decided that continuing to look was more harmful than helpful.

This may be a bunch of stuff you've already heard in various ways time and again. It may not feel applicable, and I almost get that too. One thing that stood out tho, is that in your post a bit earlier you came out with this:



Maybe all of this needs to be let go of, and when you are ready to move forward, you can revisit it.

Are you here posting looking for acceptance of where you are right now or can you provide that yourself?

How is stalling helping you? Do you have in place what it is that will allow you to be done with it? Guess this gets back to Ash's - if you dont know where you are going; how do you know when you get there?

I do like your idea of an alternate plan. What is that shaping up to be? Is your alternate plan related to seeing/not seeing T ? Or obsesiveness? Is it related foremost to the thoughts or the feelings?

There are some drugs out there that can help. If you didnt not quite find what you were hoping for thru Susanna's post, I recommend looking at Dr Daniel Amens site and more specifically his book "Change your Brain, Change your Life"- he breaks it down by behavior- anger; depression; anxiety; addiction.. and gives a full range of approaches to combat- cbt; and dealing with the thoughts; medicines; diet; exercise etc. It's a lot to go thru, but you can select your chapters based on what you want to combat. (this is similiar to what Susanna referred to, and it also deals with OCD, but, it applies to any and more of the behaviors I listed above).
It has 'tools'- it isnt just 'do this, read this'.

No, I'm not saying don't label it. I'm not commenting on labelling at all. Labelling or not had nothing to do with it and wasn't in my mind. What I'm saying is, if an subject that you obsess about comes to mind, don't fight it, but don't feed it. This fits in with Ash's decription of an obsession as "intensely focuses". Sometimes, focusing on the obsession just adds to the problem.

I'm thinking you can still label it an obsession, if appropriate. I think you can combine this with Bordergirl's idea of telling it to stop. The main thing is, shifting the focus away from the obession, rather than fighting it.

I wouldn't call that an all the time answer. For me, there were times to worth through emotional issues, not put them out of my mind. But there are other times when I needed to not dwell on the issue and think about something else. And I've at times found it easier to let something sit in the back of my mind, while focusing on something else, rather than trying to put it out of my mind completely.



I can't say meds would not have had any effect, because I didn't try them. But I can say that I had issues I needed to work through, and meds would not have taken away the need to work through those issues.


Finally, let me add, getting attached to people is not unhealthy. We are supposed to have attachments. It's a matter of are they healthy, or unhealthy. Sometimes the answer to an unhealthy attachment is to let go of the attachment, yes, but that doesn't mean attachments are bad. I like the .38 Special song, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go."

The person I posted about in the "role model" thread, I'm attached to him. Strongly. But I don't need him. I can live without him. I carry within me the example he's been for me, and that is what I need to hang on to, not him. He is a friend and part of my life, but if that were to end due to whatever circumstances, I'd still carry with me what he's given me. Both his example and his appreciation of me and love for me.

From EllenKMR -



I love the quote from the song !

And, I think she succintly is saying what I attempted to above. I am learning I can hold on to the feelings and thoughts internally, and I don't need the other person. Doesn't mean I want them gone, but that I can have all that whether they are here or not.

Thank you all for continuing in this thread.

BG wrote:

That's why I thought that some sort of mental health group might work. It would be a group of peers and you maybe wouldn't get as attached to them like you would a T. It was just an idea.

I use the board for that. I don't get overly attached to anyone the way I do to my T. I like groups, but at this point, I'd have to find one in RL that is free. What I am doing is reading from a self-help book with some friends, and I like that. I won't become overly attached to them. So I have some other outlets.

Your point is valid about my current T being in my community, but my first T, who I was even more attached to than this one, was someone like that. I never saw her in RL. It doesn't matter.



This is exactly what Susanna was talking about: the book by Schwartz about the mind and the brain, and treatment for OCD. Susanna, I was too hasty to dismiss that information. I think it will be useful. Thank you very much.

Meds would be a last resort for me. I've managed without them my whole life, and I'm afraid of side effects. Don't want to start with them, but I know they are an option.

Minx: I like the way you handle your obsessions by going to a different "room in your brain." I am definitely going to try that exercise. I know I can distract myself when I want to. I don't always want to, though. That's the problem.

C2L wrote:



I agree with you. One problem is that my closest friend right now is one with whom I share my therapy problems. So in a way, that's not so healthy. She's a good listener, and is there for me. I need to focus more on other subjects with her besides my therapy.

smilin wrote:



I hope your good feelings about yourself remain. That's good work you did on that issue, smilin. I know that accepting myself is a big deal, and I've come a long way with it, though very slowly.

Umm. My T is just about my age, but I feel like she's much older. I HAVE internalized her caring about me. So maybe that is a good way to look at it! My T gave me the "fix" if I look it as the caring I hold inside of me. I get a warm feeling when I think about it that way. I'm going to try to hold on to it.

I'm stalling because I have a couple more sessions. My T and I haven't definitely set the date for the last one. It depends on how much we cover next time. I feel strongly about ending by going over what I've gained from therapy, and what I haven't. I made an outline already. If my T has a lot to say, then it will take longer. I think I can accept where I am right now. I think I handled wanting her handwriting pretty well, in retrospect. I'm not obsessing about what she will write, even.

Ellen: Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I understand better. I also like the quote "Hang on loosely, but don't let go." I can hold onto the good stuff my T has given me without the obsession. That's the goal I am aiming for.

Instead of talking to her *about* therapy you could start to talk to her about the stuff you would have talked about *in* therapy, like your kids, your life, your husband, what you are thinking of doing next for a hobby, etc. Stuff like that. And made sure you spend equal time asking her about her own life and what she is about. You can build on the closeness and enjoyment of the friendship. (geesh I need to follow my own advice!)