Minx has mentioned what a number of others have, and what works for me too-
When the obsessiveness starts- when the thoughts kick in, STOP. My T used the saying alternate energy: What could I be doing with this time, rather than sitting in these (SAME) thoughts? She'd also ask: What will it take to be done with it?
This helps me a lot. It is about observing and accepting and letting go- distracting from. While it feels good for a bit- feeding an obsession is not good or healthy. We all come to discover this.
Minx also wrote:
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My current obsession is not really about the subject - it's about the feelings underneath. My subject just draws the feelings out.
I completely agree. It's all about the feelings. So, I think it's important to look at and understand them more. What are they buying us? What are they taking us from? What feelings are they replacing that we don't want to deal with? Why? What can we do about THOSE things?
Another method I have used lately is that my feelings are mine and no one needs to know them or to validate them. I almost left a friendship because I wanted my feelings validated. The person already knows what I think of them; how much I care about them; how much theyve helped me. I get to a place tho, where, when we've not had a lot of contact, I want contact and I want to get that validation. Thing is- all of this is about me and has little consideration for them and what is occuring in their life or what they need or want. It is one sided; selfish and when I get in this mode, I damage rather than feed the relationship. When I looked at this more objectively, what I realized was not only was I doing damage- but that- whatever my feelings are, do not need to change based on what she is doing.
I know this is simple and obvious to a lot of people, but this was a big step for me to identify that I was allowing her actions to influence my thoughts.
While this may not be the same as your obsession with your T, I think some of the principles and practices can be adapted. If you need to have these feelings; if they help you get thru life; if you feel they do you more good than harm- then go right ahead and have them. You dont need your T, nor us to validate them. You don't need anything from any of us-because, again, your feelings are yours. If it serves you to feel this way- then do so. If, however, it is taking you away from the reality of your life and if they leave you with more discomfort than comfort- then yeah I do agree to keep working on ways to change them.
Whether another T can help or not, I am not sure. T wasn't able to help me much with my anger and disappointmet over ex=T. T isnt able to change the things my friends do or dont that make me question their friendship and if I should still care. T wasn't able to help get me to the core of why I fear abandonment; why I feel so alone. We touched on it, but we never had the light bulb moment where everything about those things came to light and I no longer thought or felt as I did. Alot, really, imo, and I think many people here agree, is about accepting what is in front of us - and, moreso, accepting ourselves. It feels as if when I told myself I didn't need my friends validation of my feelings, it feels as if I then accepted myself. It's a much nicer place to be. It's recent, so I hope it remains for a long time. That is still to be told.
What happens if you accept that you somehow didnt get what you needed as a young girl? What happens if you accept you want that undivided attention from a nuturing older woman? What happens if you take the ways that your T has done this and internalize them (something discussed by a few earlier in this post) ?
What I had discovered is that by continuing to look for 'the fix', I wasn't accepting that I had already received it. I also had to remind myself that I had looked a few times; a few places and in the end, it was never as it was at the start. I decided that continuing to look was more harmful than helpful.
This may be a bunch of stuff you've already heard in various ways time and again. It may not feel applicable, and I almost get that too. One thing that stood out tho, is that in your post a bit earlier you came out with this:
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But the basic idea of identifying the obsession, and then switching to do something else, is what I need to work on. I just don't WANT to right now. I know that's against happy, healthy living, and I am going to have to change my attitude very soon (like next month or so) but I just want to stall a little longer. I just want to accept where I am.
Maybe all of this needs to be let go of, and when you are ready to move forward, you can revisit it.
Are you here posting looking for acceptance of where you are right now or can you provide that yourself?
How is stalling helping you? Do you have in place what it is that will allow you to be done with it? Guess this gets back to Ash's - if you dont know where you are going; how do you know when you get there?
I do like your idea of an alternate plan. What is that shaping up to be? Is your alternate plan related to seeing/not seeing T ? Or obsesiveness? Is it related foremost to the thoughts or the feelings?
There are some drugs out there that can help. If you didnt not quite find what you were hoping for thru Susanna's post, I recommend looking at Dr Daniel Amens site and more specifically his book "Change your Brain, Change your Life"- he breaks it down by behavior- anger; depression; anxiety; addiction.. and gives a full range of approaches to combat- cbt; and dealing with the thoughts; medicines; diet; exercise etc. It's a lot to go thru, but you can select your chapters based on what you want to combat. (this is similiar to what Susanna referred to, and it also deals with OCD, but, it applies to any and more of the behaviors I listed above).
It has 'tools'- it isnt just 'do this, read this'.