BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Calista -

I'm not a mom, but I surely do know that when I dont get my own time and space; when I feel I cannot breathe cause it's always about 'being' or 'doing' , well, then, yeah, I start going off kilter. Short temper. Basically cranky and sometimes pushing if not pulling away.

I think the demands of being a mom and wife and tending house as well as perhaps a perfectionist attitude (should constantly sitting on your shoulder) is what is taking you down.

It's great H is getting in and helping and can acknowledge your need for You time. Doncha think his willingness is an indictation that you need it? Any way to really have a you day and farm the kids out. so it truly is all about you for at least one day?

Whether it's a chemical imbalance, or just a phase, it needs attention and your support. Hard to give when you feel it is wrong. What might you do to over ride some of these messages telling you how wrong it all is? How can you support yourself thru this- espec while H is supporting you thru it?

I dont have any anwers but do know how hard it was for me when I hit a deep depression. I think tho I had to ride it out while continuing to keep my eye on what might help get me out of it (something that would enthuse and inspire me to keep digging out).

I guess mostly I just hope you dont expect too much yet you can believe this must ride its own course and will pass.

You sound very depressed.
(((Calista)))

Dear (((Calista))):

As Oprah would say: "You have the hardest job in the world = being a Mom," and then on top of it you struggle with depression or possibly an agitated hypomanic, (either of these states when agitation is added are hell on earth), and yet you are doing what you need to do and being a better Mom than most.

I am in awe of people that can do what you do and that's no fooling!!

I only have dogs and an H and I go running for the valium on a regular basis. :shysmile

Are you sure you aren't being just a wee bit (or a lot) hard on yourself?

Can you get some alone time away any time soon?

Thinking of you ...

XO,

J.

I can relate.

I had problems with post-partum depression -- on top of my constant basic garden-variety depression -- after both of my pregnancies, like you've had. On top of that I wasn't feeling well physically, and ended up having major surgery when my younger child was 1 and again a year later. There were many, many days when I had no interest in playing with my kids, not to mention the energy. I was very conflicted, and felt extremely guilty. Despite my husband's generous help, I was frequently in tears or angry or feeling out of control.

But I don't think I was a bad mother, nor are you. I wasn't the best mother I could be, for sure, but I wasn't bad. My children were fed and clothed appropriately. They weren't physically neglected or abused in any way. They knew I loved them -- that I could tell them all the time. Yes, they were left to their own devices a little more often than they should have been, and they watched too much TV, but they were never unsafe. One thing I was able to do was to find a baby-sitter who came once a week for a good part of the day. She was actually an older woman who didn't mind getting on the floor and playing all the silly games young children love. She really connected with them, which, like you, I was having trouble doing, and she became a beloved surrogate grand-mother.

For me the problems didn't completely resolve until after my younger child started pre-school. By then, I desperately needed to be with grown-ups again. Part of it for me was that I just wasn't meant to deal on a 24/7 basis with the chaos of small children. I was very sad about that. One of my favorite people in the world was a childhood friend's mother, who was the sort of earth-mother who always has a house full of children and totally delights in that and never loses her cool, and I had wanted to be just like her. I couldn't do it. Not even close. And I had to kind of mourn a bit as I came to terms with the feeling that I was not the person I wanted to be.

So when both my kids were in school at least a half a day, I decided to go back to school myself -- I took one class at the local community college. Overall it helped me a lot, being with adults and taking on the challenge of learning adult material again. From there I ultimately went on to nursing school, which had been a long-time desire, and then to work, part-time at first, and then full-time later on.

Anyway, I don't think your children are being harmed in any way by your perceived lack of perfection on the motherhood front. A little too much TV won't damage them beyond repair. They're loved, they have two parents who see to their needs, and they're going to do fine. It may take a while for you to figure out what the best balance is for you in terms of alone time and adult time, but you will. Be patient, and stop being so hard on yourself in the meantime.

Calista,
I totally understand. It is difficult to be with small kids all day almost every day. Do you actually get out and go with just your husband or a girlfriend? Maybe you could consider scheduling regular dates or outings once a week? It would help. Also it might help to get with a play day group of moms with young kids so you could talk about these feelings regularly. You will find you are not alone. And you ARE a good mom! You mentioned going to a lot of trouble with the art projects and such. It's okay to let them just watch tv sometimes. Just because you don't feel like doing anything doesn't make you a bad mom. We've all done that, trust me. You are still taking good care of them. Try to get out more. Try to schedule some regular things with adults as part of it. Take care.

(((Calista))),

Are you still getting over the flu or whatever illness you've had? Maybe you just need more time to feel physically well.

When my kids were small, I was in a playgroup once a week with 4 or 5 other Moms and their kids. The kids played, and we talked. These relationships lasted for years. Recently, we had a reunion (just the Moms) and our kids are in their 20's now! Can you find other Moms to connect with to form a group, or go to an established one? Or exchange baby-sitting with someone? Do you use baby-sitters? There are a lot of options besides entertaining your kids all of the time.

You ARE being a good Mom. I remember all the times I went to McDonald's and spent a long time because of the playground though I'd rather be somewhere else. Other times I did things with my kids but I was so glad when they went to nursery school or a class at the community center so I could have a couple of hours to myself. It's normal to want time for yourself without your kids. Since your H is agreeable, can you go out and do something for yourself? Be "crazy" if it's not harmful! Or go out with your H? I agree with C2L about scheduling time with your H and finding a playgroup.

(((((Calista)))))

I agree that the hardest job and most likely the most thankless (at least for a while) is being a Mom. I had to laugh at the snot on your shoulder remark! I got used to having baby throw up on either or both shoulders.

Is there something that would help you to feel better? A night out with girlfriends? A night out with your H? A sitter for an afternoon to give you a break? Going to lunch with a girlfriend?

I do remember that it was difficult for me to get away for more than a couple of hours as I was breastfeeding. Nothing like soaking your t-shirt (or worse, that silk blouse) through at the grocery store because you heard another baby crying, eh?

You ARE a good Mom and you are doing a good job. Sometimes going through the motions is the best that we can do. Just know that you are there doing it.

Are you getting enough sleep at night?