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I have become aware that I have gotten into a pretty sorry state of affairs for me. I second guess my own feelings. I look so hard at myself, expect me to be in the wrong some how, that I will find any excuse as to why I should not feel angry or unhappy or confused........

I make excuses for other people and in turn refuse myself the right to feel any number of feelings. I recieved some pretty harsh judgements lately about my past and about how I had made my bed and need to lay in it. How it is all my fault that life has turned out the way it has.

Well in many respects that may be so. In many respects I made many, many choices that perhaps I would not have made had I sat and thought about the consequences. But these are pre bpd diagnosis choices, when life was about running on impulse. when I did not stop and think and I made some pretty hefty mistakes.

Over the last few years I have been very introspective, looking at why I do some of the things I do/did, why those behaviours did not work for me and I have changed it up so much it is unreal. I am so different to the person I was a few those years ago in many, many ways.

I am sober, I am no longer taking drugs, I no longer seek to bed anything that walks my way, I don't overdose over the slightest thing, I no longer choose to harm myself. I very often sit things out and wait for inner calmness to be restored, I do my best not to act out on my feelings, I have not cut nor burned myself for a while now, nor do I have any wish to do so.

However, I do tend to beat myself over the head, mentally for feeling my past catches up with me and I can still be judged on it.

Why? my reality based on my past behaviour, is one of being an unmarried mum, with three children all with different fathers, I am known by many from my past as a tart, a drug addict, a liar, a manipulator. My present reality can reveal much of that about me. I have many, many scars, I can not drink alcohol, I have had issues holding down a steady and stable job, have claimed state benefits. Lots I am not gonna go on about or I will beat myself with it all some more.

However given the tough amount of self reflection I have done, and the amount of positive changes I have made at times only believeing it was going to make life better for me, not necessarily because I wanted to, destination unknown keep moving! I find it really difficult to understand why I am hurt or upset when people judge my life now, because of my past.

I often tell myself that I was in the wrong and deserve this treatment, in order to minimalise my own efforts, I forget how much work I have put in, and minimise it as not good enough.

The result of this is I am back to feeling worthless, like I do not belong anywhere, like I will always be the black sheep and the odd ball.

I know about self aceptance and self appreciation and I guess at times, it feels very sereal to me, like I am bigging myself up for some really minor things. But at times, they are all that keeps me walking.

Ultimately I like me, for once in my life I can honestly say I am happy with the majority of decisions I make and choices I make as being healthy for me and for my family, so why do I allow people to shatter this so easily and why do I blame myself for their actions?

Guess I am feeling a bit low, I wanted to write out what has been going on for me the past few days in the hope I can understand my desire to constantly be the one to blame!

Not sure how much sense any of this makes am pretty lost right now myself. Thoughts would be appreciated thanks!

Bogit -

First, I want to say that I am v-e-r-y impressed with your post. To come here to a bunch of strangers (in various senses) and put out here what you have. It shows honesty with yourself; it shows that you are willing to stand up to-and for-your past. It shows you have nothing to hide. And in one way, it's ironic to say this- perhaps because part of your post is about others, perhaps expecting you to hide. It takes courage to stand up. Not just stand up and post, but stand up to/about your past. And, it's ironic because you talk of beating yourself up, and yet, doing this, imo, is accepting yourself. I wonder if you can make that correlation , and if you can, do you also see the acceptance ? If, so, can you continue to carry it with you? Even when feeling beat up and attacked by others?

If you step back, can you see how so many people would be hiding and cowering over their past; their various secrets (or darker moments?). I think you are living in some ways without fear, and it's a rather awesome thing to watch.

You asked about why you may be so ready to beat yourself up and take on others opinions of you. While this may be simple, too simple even, I have to say it's because you were trained to. Because you were taught you cannot be your own person. And that nothing you did, none of your achievements were ever celebrated; but damn if everyone hasn't rushed out to announce and crucify you for your screwups.

I wonder if you ever question why people would rather focus on your past than on your present? I think there is quite a significant statement in that.

Maybe something else you can work on is where you want to be living- the past or the present and future?

Tracy, you are not about your past. You are about your present and your future. Anybody worth having in your life will judge you more by how you handle what you have now than by what you did before. And as for what about you now is still under improvement, I think that the fact that it is under improvement says a lot about your character. Do you have any idea how few people who've been where you've been ever have the kind of recovery that you have?

I hope that in time you can let go of the shame I suspect you feel over how your life used to be. The real story of Tracy is not about how your life used to be, but about how you have turned it around and, even more, about how you live it today. You have every reason to be confident and to hold your head high.

Peace,
jim

How awful when you've made so much progress hon, (and you definitely have made a ton) when somebody comes along and wants to drag you back into the past - pretty low blow as far as I'm concerned on their part.

Yes, you have a past Bogit. We all do, but the reality for most I believe is; we were doing the best we could with the tools/skillset that we had at that time.

I agree with Jim - what matters is who Bogit is today, right now, the way she bravely turned her past behaviours around; and where she's going - all that untapped potential.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad ATM.

Isn't it strange, Liza... how no matter how far we've come in our recovery our past mistakes are hanging there ready to haunt us? And how there are people so willing to try to drag us back to the point where they can look down upon us in order to feel better about themselves? People from our past who have not climbed out of the hole, who can't handle the pain of seeing another climb out while they're still stuck there?


Perhaps if we put the drug addict at the beginning of the list it can help us understand some of the rest. How many addicted women do you know who are not liars, manipulators or tarts?

IMO, it's not really the person making those choices. It's the addiction. Stinky thinking everywhere. It's really not a matter of who we are or what our true core values are. Those were there within you even then. You have always been our Beautiful Bogit. But under those circumstances we cannot get to our true identities. It's like our self is not available to us. Our addiction decides how we shall behave and what choices we shall make. That does not excuse it or exempt us from responsibility for our choices or their consequences. But it does help us to know our identity. We've always been the person we're now trying to become.

So as for what people think of you now... what would you get if your kids had a school work assignment... "Describe your mum in at least 1000 words." What is she like? What do you like and dislike about her? How does it feel to be her child? Why does it feel that way?"

What do you think you'd read? And if there is anyone, aside from you, whose opinion about who you are is more important than theirs, what is that person's name?

I am taking in your responses and knowing that I would respond from a very emotional stand point right now, but I feel is a risk worth taking.

Honestly, to all of you my name is Tracy! Yep I have a name, Bogit is a word I used as a swear word, cos I was not allowed to say any, not even mild ones, like bloody! I turned it back on me and swore at myself, was doing so the day I arrived at bpdr I hated me!! You know I am not scared of my real name anymore. Nor of carrying it! Once it held for me some very severe connotations of hate, and of envy, and of how dare you, sit, stand, think, believe, hell even breath!

Not sure if you know in the states, or elsewhere, (any from UK would) in case you wanna understand the connotations of my real life name Trac/e/y essex girls Well hey guess I epitomised that image too at one point, and held true to the essex girl connotation image. Thus hated my birth name of Tracy.

But hey this Tracy is sweet, and loving, caring, kind, considerate of others. was and is, got lost for a few years!

I am gonna reply to your questions, probably tomorrow, when the tears subside some, but realised I really hate the name BOGIT! and all that it stands for!

Many thanks!
Tracy

Noted, and corrected inline above with a smile! jim

Hey Tracy. Glad that you're feeling nice and comfy with your name and are ok with it being used on the board (wasn't sure how you felt, so that's why I used Bogit in my post.) Will gladly address you by your name in the future. )

Amanda

(((Tracy)))

Obviously I'm well aware of the connotations of your name but I have to say that both the Tracys I've known (you included) are fantastic people.

I think it's really awesome and inspirational how you've turned your life around, and so sad that others still judge you based on your past behaviours.

I have self-harmed, abused alcohol, got into tons of debt, walked out of jobs, been on benefits, dropped out of four uni courses... and the funny thing is I don't regret any of it any more because I don't see how I could have done any differently with the skills and knowledge I had at the time. The important thing is I recognised I needed help, and I tried to get that help, and even when it took a long time or there were huge obstacles in my path, I didn't give up. It's the same with you, hon.

Whatever anyone else says, I hope you can see what an amazing thing it is you've achieved! :thumbsup

Marga xx

Ahhhh... big time insight and revelation. YAY!!!

My high school calculus teacher used to something similar with the word "bleep". He literally could not bleepin' get a bleepin' sentence finished without bleepin' saying bleep at least four bleepin' times. It was sometimes bleepin' hard to understand the bleepin' math formulas he was trying to get across to us.

Hey guys be back in the morning, think have travelled far enough today eh!

Bogit,

I for one realize that feeling good and bad for me has been a roller-coaster. Feel great for awhile, then something happens and I feel like crap again, gain some more momentum, then get depressed again. Each time I seem to go up a little bit higher. Hopefully one day I won't go back in the hole again at all.

You're doing the work. It really doesn't matter what they think, they can't take away what you've done. It's reality. You've made changes. And what you did then doesn't matter today. It really, honestly doesn't. That's reality, regardless of how you feel.

You can put you there but they can't.

Hi all!

Some interesting questions and thoughts in here, and ones that could be very worth me answering.

Smilin this was interesting take on my post. Yep I can see it is about self acceptance and not being ashamed of who or what I have been, have done.



This is interesting, because if I can accept me then sure it would stand to reason that how others view me is a non issue. Whether others accept me or not is not really for me to be concerned with. Although it is nice that some people do!



Guess is worth a shift in focus for me now then. I need to be proud of my achievemments and my accomplishments and perhaps to start tolerating my own screw ups some more.



Nope I really don't! I have learned that honesty is the best policy, especially given how easy I used to be able to lie to myself. Secrets are a way of hiding and a method of denying self forgiveness, and well those darker moments I guess are relative to what I knew about survival. I have had to learn new healthier ways to live. How could I do that without accepting my past? That does not mean I like it! Nor at times, don't feel shame for.



Do I question it? Erm people can focus on my past for any number of reasons, for some lack of ability to forgive, lack of ability to take personal responsibility for their own part to play, for those that are still behaving as I did, it makes them question themselves which is pretty uncomfortable.

Erm lets consider my main bug bear with this my mum. If she was to accept what I have become she may have to question why she remains stuck. She may also have to consider why my achievements in things she didnt want me to go for should be viewed in a positive light. eg if music is a waste of time, and my life should have been dedictaed to something else as she saw it then my career goals, or me getting my degree would be of little importance to her. Point was it was important to me, so I guess my efforts in this regards have to hold their rewards with me only. But what child didn't want to grow up and make their parents proud.

So with that in mind I think this is key!



Well past is gone, present is now, and future is ahead, where do I want to be able to live, well today of course, am starting to see the future as a world of opportunity.

Jim



Nope no idea! But then I also know some pretty stuck people and find I am frustrated often that they dont seem to want to put in the effort and yet like to moan about how crap their life is.



Nice way to view things, think I will try and tell myself this often.

Amanda



Why is it I find it so difficult to see that other people can be doing something hurtful, without it meaning I have directly caused it somehow? Think this is pretty key to my perception of myself. I am aware of how to change me perhaps, and have yet to accept at times, people operate from their own MO that has very little to do with me. Perhaps is about control, learning to accept that I can not control how others, think, feel, react or don't.



I seem to forget about potential growth for the future! Guess I grew up in a world where potential happiness future existance was based on some belief that it was already written for me, that as long as I did as I was told, I would be happy! I can see now that happiness lies in being true to myself and not living in the shadow of others expectations. That given I strive to be considerate of others, I at the same time am not responsible for the suffering of all fellow man nor their happiness. Damn, I am human after all.

IBF



Point taken! Yep life as a drug addict is full of risk taking, and selfish operations. Yuk!



You know this makes so much sense.



Now I guess asking my 5 year old for 1000 words would be expecting a lil too much, but I will share what they did today. I have a card sat on my desk not opened yet so without knowing what delights are with in, they got me a "valentines card"...... on the envelope it says "To the best ever mum. The best there ever could be over the past, in the present and future. Best in the whole world."

My 5 year old has been working on her mothers day assembly for school and has a lil thing to learn to say, that she wrote. " it says mummy is love, mummy is cuddly, and mummy makes me smile when I am sad, makes yummy cakes and makes me tidy my room." Love how the tidy my room got in there! lol Yep guess I can just go find all the love and acceptance I need right there in them eh!

I know the whole name thing jumped out there, yep the emotional reaction was to hearing all these things I know to be true mostly now, and yet having this name that said I detest everything about me. I used to be very ashamed of the bpd label, now I have little concern for who knows. It's nothing to be ashamed of, you are not likely to find me using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. I do at times, find it used against me, and definately did in the court room a couple of years back, but have come to learn that it is at times a very uneducated view of the disorder and of the possibilty for change. But it was that very label that had me grow, that had me see it was my behaviour that kept me stuck and from realising my dreams, goals and ambitions. That it was my own destructive behaviour and my own twisted perception of myself of being unlovable that kept me feeling unloved.

Marga hit on something big here also



I often forget about this bit, about the past behaviours stemming from a lack of skills and knowledge, yep when I made some decisions they were about having a roof over my head at times, about basic needs and necessities, and not having the knowledge of how to go about this in a healthy manner. About an angry 16 year old that left home completely unprepared for life and thought she was all independant and capable, not realising the reality was she was naive and vulnerable.

Aqua yep would be nice to one day not get down in that pit, but the biggest realisation for me is that I have all the tools I need and the desire to get back up again.

Thanks all for your help here! This really is about accepting me isn't it, and realising I am allowed to give myself love and care and that anyone elses opinion of me is just that, and there is no reason I have to believe anothers perception of my reality. Nor beat myself with my past, especially when my future awaits and my present is pretty good. Black sheep and odd ball, guess some pretty great gifted and talented people have been viewed this way also.

Borderline and PROUD !!!!


I pity the "normals" who have not learned so much about living nor learned so much about enjoying life as we have.