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I realize I get down a lot when I think about my life and how it isn't close to what I really want for myself.
I want:
To be in love.
To feel attractive and thin.
To be able to control my life more.
To be in a more interesting job.
To have no depression (as if that can ever happen).
To be able to say "no" even if it might feel good right now.
To put myself first a little more.
To be able to call the shots in my own life.
To be with a man I respect.

That is some of it. I feel bad about it because it doesn't seem a reality that I can change. I get around attractive men, and men whom I respect, but I can't have them (I'm married, they are married or unavailable, etc) and I long to be in love. It isn't just being in love, but feeling as if I have never REALLY been in love. Feeling as if I never really knew ANY KIND of love, except for my kids. I'm not saying the perfect relationship would solve everything, but maybe it would help.

I feel very defeated.

Do I quit therapy because I idealize my T?
Do I stay away from friendships where I idealize a person?

I'm not sure I can stop myself from the "want" or idealization. I'm tired of being last. At least I feel I've always been last, hung back, backed away, retreated, disappeared, *poof* there is no "me" and then it became *who* am *I* anyway!?

Is this an inside fix or outside fix? Or Both?

Mostly I think it's a good list. Understandable things to want.

I think some of them perhaps can be tweaked to be something similar, but which are realistic expectations.

The one that particularly struck me, though, is "To feel attractive and thin.". Here, you've got two different wants tied together. You want to feel attractive. You want to feel thin. But those are two different things. Each can exist without the other.

I relate to that hanging back. I do it a lot. I wait and evaluate and it has to feel really safe or I have to feel invited in. But, just like you said, it becomes self-fulfilling- it puts me and keeps me last.

What happens if you pick situations to slowly change this? Will you pick up the phone to make plans with someone? Will you walk over to someone that seems interesting and converse with them? I think- well for me, these are little ways I can start. It takes work, I'm more accustomed to not doing this.

As far as your list. I think its great that you've made the list. There are a number, if not all, that you can change/have. Any idea where you will start? Can you map out ways in which to make those 1 or 2 happen?

I am a little weary of thinking love can change much of your list. I guess the first thing that comes to mind is the typical 'in love' is far different than 'love/being loved'.... love after the glow dies out. And, I think a lot has to do with self-image/perception so being in love, or being loved again puts your self-worth in the hands of another.

I would love to hear that you pick a thing or two and work toward it. I know it wont be easy, but I think that if you took on the task and stuck with it, saw it come to be, it would do wonders for your self-worth and for pursuing some of the other goals on that list.

As far as the idealization aspect- I think that is another, tho related, issue. Perhaps a different thread?

Well, let's take a look at this list.

"To be in a more interesting job"
That's something completely within your control. Are you in a contract? If so, you may have to wait until it runs out or you renegotiate. But if not, you can look for another job any time you like. I don't know what you do...but what sort of job would be "more interesting"? Is there anything you can do with your current job to make it "more interesting"?

"To be with a man I respect"
You've got control over this one, too.
Do you not respect your H? Do you plan to stay with him? If you want to leave, then you have all sorts of chances to meet another man whom you respect more. If you choose to stay, then you may have to rethink what you do and don't respect about him and how important that respect is to you. But your capacity for respect is something within YOU. You cannot change your H, but you can change the focus of your thoughts. And if, in the end, if this lack of respect is important enough to you, you cna choose to leave and look elsewhere.

"To be in love"
Nice, but my therapist would call that "magical thinking" because it's just not a realistic expectation for ongoing daily life. "In Love" comes and goes - it's not a constant state. It's me wishing for an ideal, a fairy tale instead of accepting that life is less than perfect. I WILL be disappointed if I keep wishing for things that aren't real. Do people feel "in love"? Sure they do, but that kind of "love" is ephemeral and changing and capricious. You may or may not get that one, but if you do, you won't spend the rest of your life that way.
Which would your rather feel: "in love" or "loved"? Why? What's the difference between the two for you?

"To feel attractive and thin"
Ellen pointed out that these are two separate ideas, and they don't have to be connected. So which is it? Or which is more important to you? Prioritizing can help you figure out what action you need to take to accomplish your goal. People can be attractive without being thin (Queen Latifa!) and they can be thin without being attractive (Callista Flockhart). Ah - but wait! You talk about FEELING attractive. That's controlled more by your self-perception than it is physical circumstance. And FEELING thin? I don't have a lot of experience with thin as an emotional state...

That's as far as my brain is taking me right now. I'll try to get back with you on this.
You have the power within you to change a great many things in your life by merely changing your perceptions of yourself and your place in your world. But that can only happen if YOU take the action.

I feel I can't be very attractive unless I lose weight. I understand what you are saying and I know you are right, but I still can't let it go. If I'm overweight, I wear baggy sweats and don't do much about my apperance. If I lose weight, I dress better, more fitting clothes, make up, hair, etc. It is hard for me to hide my mood.


This is a life-long issue for me. I wait to be asked. I wait for someone to come up to me (usually, but if I'm in an up mood, I will talk more).

Yes, that is a good idea, to start slow. However, if I'm not following my food plan or if I'm depressed, I can't work. Or maybe I could, but it would be highly uncomfortable, so I don't.

Working on the losign weight, but I screw up too much and I hate that. I feel defeated and lost and hate myself.


True, very wise. It really does put it in the hands of another and that is what I need to stop doing. I think I still deperately want to feel close and loved and hold and be held and kiss and laugh and connect and be loved. I don't know how to fix this. I don't really know if I ever will. Is this just me or is this easy for other people? To live with the unmet needs?

I went back to Weight Watchers, but I've had a few bad days. So I guess I am starting the work. I want to be successful.

That is a good idea. Thanks!


Not in a contract, but I work at home and it is great for my son (who has Asperger's). I can be home for getting on and off the bus, if he gets sick, school functions, whatever, so I sacrifice for the kids---I just get lonely being alone all the time.

Sigh, I see what you mean. I wish change was easy, but it isn't.

I would rather feel loved.

I want both. I think if I had thin, I would feel more attractive.

You can choose to dress differently, makeup, hair, etc, at any weight.

Also, you first say how you dress is tied to weight, but then you say it's tied to mood. Which is it?



Okay, that's one way to maybe feel more attractive. What are other ways? That's not the only way. And one doesn't have to be thin to be attractive.

C2L,

I don't have all the answers for you. I just have what my own experiences have taught me. And I wanted to point out: I'm thin and I think I'm attractive. I have love from a man I respect. But a lot of the time, I think I am depressed and I still struggle with difficulties related to pds. Getting the things I want really isn't the answer.

If I were to live in a mansion with a good-looking, rich man who loved me and I looked like a supermodel, I would still feel like shit sometimes. lol. Yes, I have found that hobbies and outside interests and career and looking good do lead me to feeling good sometimes, but it's not a cure-all. I have to believe I am worth something, and my actions still in a lot of ways prove what I really believe, which is that I am worthless. And I think I need to do a lot more self-esteem training.

The only reason I found my bf was because I was so pissed when my ex and I split that I set boundaries to the sky, and he was the most non-threatening and respectful person around. I never really believed I was worth being with someone like him, because when I did a comparison, I failed miserably in my mind to be what he was. He, however, saw things in me I failed to see. At the time, I was so pissed I just slammed my foot down and said, "dammit, I'm going for a guy who has it all together! (regardless of what I was or had done)" and I did it and succeeded.