When do you give up completely?

Committed2Life · **Joined:** Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 140

I dunno. I admit to self pity. I also admit to self loathing. I've been trying for 20 years to be the person I want to be and yet I constantly fail. I can't make it. There are just too many problems, fears, anxiety, depression. When I think of something to pick to work on, then the mood problems get in the way. I wonder if just cancelling all appointments and activities and just being alone would be the best. I'm sick of myself. I know some people here have wondered why I can't pull it together. My frustration level is pretty high. Even in therapy I feel I can't do what I need to do. I see therapy as going in, getting homework, talking about changing things, and then leaving and being unable. And I always have this emptiness that competes for attention from my taking action. I don't think I will ever change. Has anybody had this many years of trying and still doing the same things different year? I cancelled therapy today. What's the point? Other people go and actually learn and change. I'm perpetually frustrated. Even after I get "bitch-slapped" and snap out of my self pitty, it doesn't last. What is left? Do I need to add a therapy group? More structure? Hospital outpatient program (not sure there are any and I have to work)?

EllenKMR · **Joined:** Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:00 pm **Posts:** 991

A thought that comes to me. Is the person you are trying to be the person you should be? Are you trying to be your genuine self, or are you trying to be someone you are not?

Committed2Life · **Joined:** Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 140

I don't know. How does one find out who their genuine self is?

Tracy · **Joined:** Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm **Posts:** 422

Who is C2L when she isn't fulfilling roles as T patient, mother, without job title? What are C2L's gifts and talents? What does C2L like/dislike?

EllenKMR · **Joined:** Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:00 pm **Posts:** 991

Do you understand how my question relates to your question? (Checking to be sure.)

Committed2Life wrote:

I don't know. How does one find out who their genuine self is?

I wish I had a good answer for this. It's one thing to know who I am, it's another to be able to say how I got there. I think others can give more helpful answers than I can.

Minx · **Posted:** Thu Feb 14, 2008 11:39 am

About a year ago, you wrote this thread. You had a list of things you could work on to make progress.

Committed2Life wrote:

This is me:
1. I don't like myself.
2. I'm overweight and I can't lose weight or if I do, I gain it back.
3. I'm depressed and nothing helps long term.
4. I am in a job that I just stay in for comfort and don't feel like going back to school or even thinking about doing anything else out of my safety zone.
5. I don't like my marriage.
6. I don't like my H.
7. My T doesn't really care.
8. My house is a mess and why bother trying because it will only put a dent in the mess.
9. The friends I've made in the last year will leave in time when they know the real me.

You get the idea right?

Why can't this be me?
1. I can work on accepting myself and liking myself.
2. I can stick with the program my T has recommended that he does regarding binge eating.
3. I can continue working with the pdoc regarding my depression and maybe learn to take better care of myself to feel better about myself.
4. I can just take a class or start to consider different job options.
5. I can think of what to do to make my marriage more tolerable if not better and it doesn't have to be all at once.
6. I can try to think of things I do like about my H.
7. I can think my T does care and put everything else about him through that filter, rather than think he is always rejecting me.
8. I can still clean up a room and enjoy that one room being cleaned up and just do one thing at a time. It doesn't have to be all neat all the time.
9. I can try to be a pleasant and caring friend and I can't control what other people chose to do.

How does that post from a year ago relate to where your life is today?
Of that list of things you could do, how many do you feel you've accomplished? How many have you tried? How many have you let slip? What other ideas have you come up with between then and now?

When do I give up completely?
I haven't yet and I don't intend to.

NotAMonster · **Joined:** Thu May 17, 2007 6:00 pm **Posts:** 358

Hey C2L - I hear you on this. I wouldn't say "give up completely" but I am taking a break right now. You might want to do the same. I also got to the point where I felt like I was going around in circles and not getting anywhere. I realized that what was lacking was my commitment to recovery. I am taking some time to just "live life" for a while and search for my motivation to work on self-improvement. I have learned so much already about BPD characteristics, recovery, DBT, etc. that I figure I will be more aware of my own borderline tendencies as I go about living my life and eventually I will have had enough and at that point, THEN, I will be ready and determined to change. I have accepted the fact that right now I am not ready to change. Sad as it may sound, I guess I am not ready to give up my disorder just yet.
Take care,
Casey

ibfuddled · **Joined:** Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:00 pm **Posts:** 491

Hard to know, C2L. Not an easy question to answer.

Without judging them... just listing them... what do you think the most likely consequences of giving up completely would be in your case?

Amanda · **Joined:** Sat Apr 29, 2006 6:00 pm **Posts:** 498

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down on yourself and so stuck. Are you sure you've made no progress? That list Minx posted - You can honestly say that you haven't changed any of it?

If the therapy you're currently having and have been doing for some years, if you can honestly say that isn't at all helping/assisting you to change and grow and that you've made no growth whatsoever, then perhaps you need to look at changing the type of therapy you do, and maybe even the therapist too. :2cents

Denim Blue · **Posted:** Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:46 pm

I don't know if this suggestion will be helpful to you, but it helps me get by to focus on my top priorities and not pay as much attention to the other issues when the top ones are overwhelming enough on their own. My top priority in my life is my children. I want them to have childhoods that will be nurturing and not damaging to them so they will develop into healthy adults. When what I am doing threatens to damage my children, that becomes a focus of concern for me. My internal state of mind is not as critical because it does not involve them. I can be unhappy and still keep them happy because they do not have to live my life, just their own. What goes on internally is my own private hell that I don't need to share with anyone. It is something I have to learn to live with or change at some point but I will not risk allowing my own private hell to affect my children because they have a different reality. As long as I am successful as a mother, then that success weighs more heavily than my inability to cope with the internal stuff. What is visible to others has always had higher priority in my life than what is only known to myself.

AquaLite15 · **Joined:** Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm **Posts:** 861

I have to say that it has helped me more than anything just to stop doing and do more thinking. Honestly, the time that I have gotten better is when I quit work, quit everything, and just thought for months with no responsibilities, then when I go back to responsibilities, everything is better. I suppose perhaps I needed hospitilization, instead, I found a nice guy I could lean on for awhile.

I really don't know what you need (I suppose only you can really figure that out), but I do know it could be a possibility.

kari2171 · **Joined:** Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 439

I'm the opposite Aqua. I got better when I finally got out of my head and started moving again. Depression had sapped all my momentum until I finally kicked my self in the patottie (rear) and just started moving. Leaving the house seemed like a gigantic effort until I started to force myself to do it, and it gradually got easier.

Fake it til you make it worked for me.

AquaLite15 · **Joined:** Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:00 pm **Posts:** 861

Yea, just depends on the situation and the person.

I got into the situation where I was moving so fast through things I couldn't cope with. When I stopped and took a long rest, I had the time to think it out, and I learned coping techniques, and now I am able to do things at my own pace instead of rushing through things I can't handle. Also, all the things that were so hard before (like getting out of bed and doing things), are a lot more joyful than before. Not to say I feel great, but the improvement is tremendous.

I think some people who are depressed will become moreso when they lay around the house and don't do anything. I've actually been in that state as well in the past.

Minx · **Posted:** Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:39 am

You've posted in another thread that you're feeling better. I'm glad to hear that.

How does this thread read to you now?
Do you still feel the same way?
Do the same problems still feel as overwhelming?

If not, it might be helpful to keep both this and your newer thread side by side as a reminder that those helpless, worthless feelings can and do pass.
If so, I hope that this fresh burst of good feeling can bring you some inspiration for new solutions.

Candle · **Posted:** Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:36 pm

Besides, we have a contract ((C2L)) and, as you know, it's ironclad, so ...

As ever,

J.

Committed2Life · **Joined:** Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 140

I'm reading this and going to think on it further and come back a little later, like today later. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring it. I do feel a little better today though, more hopeful.

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