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Today I woke up a little on the hypomanic side. Racing thoughts. Wanting to get the entire house "done" and cleaned TODAY, starting NOW, but then I felt the panic coming on, what to do first. And I thought about my T because I cancelled my appt this week, at first because I didn't want to come because I was too depressed, then I remembered a party at my son's school. And I couldn't get in today either. So I went through a lot of hate emotions and wanting to quit forever, etc., etc. Then today I had a few moments of clarity---seeing my T for who he is, a man working hard for people and not really knowing what is in my head and I'M the one changing and freaking out and expecting too much. And I saw him as a normal person doing his best and me as a separate person. Hard to explain, but just more "normal." And I don't feel the depression today. I'm a bit on the other side, but I feel sort of good, which isn't the majority of the time so it is somewhat of a light bulb moment for me. I don't want it to end because I feel okay for ONCE. So even though I'm going a bit fast, I'm going to try and do things one at a time and assign a certain amount of minutes to each task and see what happens. It's hard to say out loud or accept I have BP as well as BPD, but I think it is the truth and maybe if I can just accept it, maybe when I see warning signs or the darkness hits, I can remember I'm not thinking clearly. I'm a little sad I can't be in this place a little more often because I'm okay being alone and okay cleaning the house and okay just existing and taking care of business for myself and my family.

((C2L))

C2 it's nice to see you feeling a bit better today... but now I must ask about one statement...



What is difficult to accept about having BP and BPD?? Is there something wrong with people who have BPD?

I have it and I'm proud. Surely I feel awful about the pain my behavior has caused for people I love. I feel horrible about that.

But I also feel quite proud that I accepted the fact after resisting it initially. Proud that I've come to understand it a little more each time I work on it. Proud that I'm working hard to find health and happiness for myself and others I care about. And proud to be in this group of people, with so many working so very hard and who all, IMO have reasons to be proud about our BPD.

Those I feel sorry for are those who think of themselves as "normal' and see no reason to try to make their lives better. Poor things. If only they could have it too.

I think I accept BPD easier than BP because I've had longer knowing about the diagnosis, much longer. Bipolar is a little scarrier to me for some reason. I think any illness is serious and I'm not comparing. I guess I just don't know. Maybe bipolar is harder to control or maybe the stigma attached or maybe I just need more time to let it all sink in? Do you see anything that I'm missing or can do to be more accepting? I am more aware of my shifting of moods and it isn't easy to control. I'm not at my therapeutic dose of lithium yet, so maybe once my pdoc increases it, things will seem more balanced?

What difference do the words mean? You CAN see this as one more scary thing C2L has to live through, or you CAN see it as a way for the docs to figure out how best to help you. Thats all my lable meant to me. It helped the docs figure out which medsand treatments and information would help me the best. Thats all the words mean. You get to decide how to react to this, especially because you are feeling better today. Your brain chemicals aren't in the way as much today, so use those thinking skills you have to see a diagnosis as something to help, not harm you.

Of course it can be scary to think we have done and are capable of doing the kinds of harmful things people with BP and BPD are said to do prior to recovery. But today is NOT prior to recovery. It's begun for everyone here.

It's scary to think about the stigmas attached to these. But there is another case where the problem lies in the thoughts, many misinformed and misguided of people who don't know much about what happens inside us.

As for BP, I don't have much first hand knowledge or information. I do personally know several people who have struggled with it and have had a lot of success getting more balance with meds, once they've got the right combination for their body. It can take a while and be very frustrating until that state is achieved. But people who have done it tell me it CAN be achieved.

Thanks you guys. I am going to work on acceptance of *me* just who I am right now, today. Acceptance. I would like some ideas on how I can be less concerned with other people, what they think or if they like me or dont like me. I don't want to worry about it. I want to move forward with my own propulsion. It might feel awkward for a while, but I want to do it. I want the inner peace too. I want to be free from this concern about other people or the need for other people. Don't get me wrong, I know we all need other people, I just want it to be a healthy thing. I don't want to obsess or expect things or CRAVE certain people. Do you think by being more self-reliant this will disappear and fade? I tend to think so--the better I feel about being me, the less I will crave and long for other people to soothe me....how does that sound? Can anyone add to this?

Yesterday I was a little hypomanic I guess and I went to WalMart and spent $150.00. Not bad, but I bought a bunch of stuff I didn't need, so I'm going to return at least $60.00 of it. It will be embarrassing, but I'm going to do it anyway because I think it was driven, not really things I needed and I have bills to pay.

A positive thing is that I needed to clean house. I knew I couldn't get to it all so I focused on the upstairs. I realized I was a bit overwhelmed, so I decided to set 1/2 hour time limits per room and just do what I could do in that time and the upstairs looks a LOT better!! And it got vacuumed and clothing piles got put away, beds made, trash taken care of. There was stuff I didn't get to, but I decieed it was okay (like dusting). I even had a little cat nap and I even had time to read in a comfy chair. Then I went out to eat. I guess my reward for the day and I ordered a weight watcher meal and I was satisfied.

Today, I'm going to make a list because I have a lot of errands and i realize the anxiety over trying to remember everything in my head and the amount of stuff causes me to spiral into a panic so I'm going to try and take care of myself by writing a list so I don't have to do that today.

I'm scared.....I feel sort of normal. :lick

Normal is scary for a bit. And don't fret about returning stuff. I do it all the time.

Yes, as you confindence in yourself grows, so the depndence fades some, but it still takes effort. I find I can easily slip back into dependance, especially if I have a co-dependant person willing to (in some cases wanting to) have me depend on them. I have to be vigilant.

"No, T, I don't need to borrow $20, I can make it until my check comes. I just can't go out to eat with you today, maybe next week?"