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Yes, I know - very rare indeed that I post about my own stuff in public. I know that the only reason I'm posting in public is because this is my form of self-injury through passive means. It's a way to roll over on my back, expose the soft underbelly and let the rest of you rip me to shreds so I don't have to do it to myself, when that's all I really feel like doing.

I've been angry most of the week. I've been angry at work. I've been angry at clients. I've been angry with a coworker. I've been snappish toward my husband.

I've been trying to make sense of it all. I thought "well, this uphill battle with my insurance is getting to me." I thought "the lack of sinus medication is disrupting my life and making me cranky." I thought "the tension headaches I've been getting at work are the culprit."

I think it just boils down to: I'm a bad person.

So here's your chance, folks. Hit me with your best shot. Show me and tell me all the horrible rotten ways I'm a bad person. Tell me how wrong I am for being mean to you. Tell me how wrong I am for not being mean enough to people you don't like. Tell me how two faced I am. Tell me how clueless I am. Go ahead, tell me. At this point, there's nothing left to hurt, folks.

Just go for it. There's plenty of anger and negativity floating around and "the rules" say you can't talk about it the way you want to talk about it so why not take out your frustrations on me? Let me be your punching bag. Hit me with your best shot. You guessed it - I won't take it personally. Bad people take nothing personally, we're devoid of feelings, remember? That is, after all, how we can get away with being so mean nasty and rotten, right?

Tell me all the ways in which I've fucked up, screwed you over personally, let other people get away with bloody murder, turned this place into a joke - whatever. Just let it out. Have at it, ya'll.

I'm done.

You are not a bad person. You are human. You have good days. You have bad days. You're going through a bunch of bad days right now. And you know self-harm is not the way to deal. It might feel "good" for the moment, but then comes the crappy after effects.

BTW, I seem to be in a similar place to you. I've been crying on and off. Today, the president of my condo association pissed me off beyond belief and it sent me to bed. I'm PMSing and I feel like a fat loser. So... wanna rip me apart?

LMAO.

Hell, I think you're too nice.

Well, you have never screwed me over personally. Hmm... and I fail to recall seeing you screw anyone else over personally... however.

If you insist that you are a bad person, that means that you undoubtedly will some day and therefore whacking you with this big fat down pillow is well deserved! So, consider that "OOOOOFFF!!!" to be mine. :calvin

You can't please everyone, and it's not your responsibility to anyway. It sounds like you are a little burned out. Instead of passive self injury, why not do something nice for yourself?

Maybe I'll quote Steve Carell's character, Michael Scott, from The Office here in response to being asked what his weaknesses are (only he's talking about himself, and I'm telling you, Ash)...

You work too hard. You care too much. And sometimes you can be too invested in your job [as board facilitator].


Seriously, Ash - you are one of the most unambiguous people I've ever encountered. I appreciate that about you. I think that since you are so direct, folks might forget that you have a soft underbelly.


~ jrrr

Oh Ash. I just hate to hear you sounding so yucky!

No insults, no complaints. I know a good flogging would sometimes feel a lot better, to help forget how emotionally drained you are feeling. Emotional turmoil is hell.

I've been here for years now and I haven't seen you write so negatively towards yourself and to tell you the truth....I don't like it. (haha)

Really you are physically feeling blah, too and I know that that is when I am most vulnerable mentally. Get yourself feeling better physically and stop being hard on yourself mentally!

You really need to practise "self soothing". You know all of this, of course, we all just need a little re-inforcement now and then.

Self soothe. Feel better and then get to the root of the problem.

Well wishes always, girl!
God Bless
Steff

Oh gees, I noticed you were on a diet. Oh please, I saw your pic....

you look great.

I'm not going to do that. You are angry at yourself. Roll back over, stand up, and think about it, write about it, and decide what you need to do to feel better.





It sounds like you had a rough week for whatever reason and maybe more than one reason. You haven't felt well, have had a lot of frustration, and got rude to people. Sounds pretty normal. We've all had days or weeks like that. What can you do about it now? Make ammends? Get more sinus meds? Take care of you? A day off?


A blanket statement. Maybe you had some feedback regarding your attitude or grouchiness and you turned it into you are a bad person. What would you say if *I* wrote this?

I had a post all typed out and then I lost it. Sigh.

Ash, I am sorry that you are feeling down.

You are NOT a BAD person. You are human. You are allowed, just like everyone else, to feel down from time to time, to make a mistake, to be sad, to feel grumpy, to feel angry, to be snappish.

I don't expect you to be perfect. I'd bet our definitions of what 'perfect' means would be different for each of us anyway. Yes? What I think is 'perfect' might make you want to gag. And that is OK with me.

FWIW, if I run out of my Rx nasal spray, I get the headaches from hell. I don't feel much like being 'nice' to anyone. Once, I dropped the bottle and it shattered. I paid out of pocket to get another one (ouch!) because the headaches are too much.

I think it is time to cut yourself some slack. Go do something fun, just for you. Go to a funny movie. Read a funny book. Watch Office reruns (that cheers me up).

As for the Board: You and the Board are doing a damn fine job. Oh, sure, there is going to be negativity from time to time, just like RL. Yours is a difficult position to be in. Not one that I envy at all.

You are a very intelligent, capable, pragmatic, see the big picture sort of person. You've got some very capable and wise SCL's and CL's in place on here.

Can you take a vacation from the Board for a little while?

Oh for fuck's sake, I do not want or need to hear nicities. They simply aren't true for me. You can think whatever you want but I think ya'll will notice that there are some conspicuous absences - people who are too afraid to tell me what they really think of me, of the things I've done because they know I'm a bad person and will ultimately turn on them, be evil to them, rip them to shreds.

That right there proves my point.

I'm not even a good person who occasionally does bad things. There's something inherently wrong with me on a core level. I'm bitter, nasty, rotten. It's like a cancer of the soul - something that's been eating away at me for as long as I can remember. All this negativity and mean-spiritedness, it's taking over now - much the way a piece of fruit will go rotten. It starts small, barely noticeable and just continues to fester and spread.

I won't agree with you Ash. I still think you're a nice person who means well. I just think you're going through a difficult time. I kind of wonder sometimes if I'm inherently "bad" too. I wonder if I have that "mean streak."

I also wonder if what it really is is that as we get older and learn new skills, we're learning boundaries and won't tolerate stuff we used to. Does that make us a "bad person"? That's kind of how I feel about this situation I went through with my sister.

I hope you feel better soon!

Ash: I just have to ask this, only to rule it out. I know you are always impecable with your word, and I do believe you feel lousy about a lot of things, and I hope you feel better!

But, to say "I am a bad person." Maybe I think too highly of you to think you could think that of yourself. So, any remote chance that part of it is to teach us how twisted our thinking can be? Of course you aren't a bad person! It seems so obvious when YOU say it. But a lot of us say it about ourselves, and don't realize it's twisted thinking. Are you trying to prove a point?

It sounds like you want those on the board who've been criticizing you to realize it's not black or white. You're a good person who is trying her best.

Please forgive me if I'm offbase with my question, but I'm very surprised by your post. If I'm offbase, I apologize and wish you well!

Ash wrote:



That is the biggest cop out and you know it.

I think you might need to go over the the 10 Ways to Untwist.

And you are not 'worthy' of nicities? So you are egging us on to abuse you? Because you see yourself as so unworthy and rotten? So unlovable?

Gawd, Ash, that sounds like what I thought and behaved on with my ex abusive H and in other relationships.

Others not posting doesn't prove a thing.

Maybe you might want to go talk to your T about this self destructiveness and self loathing.

:deadhorse

PS

"Be who you are and say how you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." ~Dr. Suess

Wondering and I cross posted - she asked a very good question.

Ash, your thoughts seem disorganized to me and like you're breaking from reality. I am concerned about your med situation. I do not think the thoughts you are expressing represent you when you are having a normal day with normal ups and down. I urge you, from my objective point of view here, to talk to someone about this and not allow yourself to continue to spiral downwards. Stress and illness might be combining with some med imbalance to send you over this edge. Again I emphasize: you are not talking like a person who is in touch with reality. Please take that seriously.

Yes, it does prove your point. You already know the ones who would let you have it won't do it openly, but prefer the passive-aggressive techniques instead because it protects them from any real confrontation or consequences (ie. Evil Ash will make me feel bad or ban me.) You are a real person, but sadly it's not uncommon for people who are admin of a BPD site to be seen as some entity other than human.

To be honest, Ash, I don't know what I could say that would help when you're in this frame of mind.

Like everyone else, you're a person with good and bad qualities. You've said you don't want niceties, but I don't want to play into your self-harm either.

It sounds as though you're in a really bad place right now and I hope you'll consider contacting your T and/or pdoc.

All the above meant in a caring way!

Marga.

Ash,
I don't understand what is happening. Did something happen between you and somebody you need to take to Convo Corner? This just isn't like you. Are you truly feeling self-injurious or are you being sarcastic? You may have had differences with people, but that doesn't mean people want to lay into you. Your post seems extreme or black and white. You have shown a lot of compassion in Convo Corner with Denim lately. You can't believe you are all bad right? Also I see a lot of people who would like to be helpful, me included. They count right? In other words, not everybody is hatin'.

What can we do to help?

Okay, I'll take you up on your offer. I'm thinking, might help, won't hurt. Though you may be disappointed with the results.

Only two things come to mind that I could put on a list of criticisms.

One is, in the past, you sometimes seemed when responding to my posts to too much think I'm like you, and that I think like you. And my impression was, this came from us being alike in some ways, and you assuming we were alike in other ways when we weren't.

Of course, I'm remembering my impressions, not specific events. I can't now say if my impression was accurate as far as what was going on with you.

And, anyway, it's in the past. It's not something that's happened recently. No longer an issue. Not something I'd given any thought to recently before reading your first post in this thread. I did, though, at that point, decide not to post, to wait for a 2nd post from you and then decide if and how to post.

The other thing I've sometimes observed is you sometimes don't see the other's perspective. But that's hardly really a proper criticism, as that's something everyone is guilty of at times, and you are hardly worse than most folks.

And that's the best I could do. I would argue that outwardly, as far as what other people see, you are not a bad person.


As far as feeling like there's something wrong at the core, in some religions that idea is part of the spirituality. But it's an idea that we are all like that. And those religions have answers for that. (In Christianity, it's the idea of Jesus as our savior.)

Me, I tend to think we are all basically good, but imperfect. You too.

So, your thought is that because some people have not posted contrary views in this thread, that the fear or hesitation you think they might have is a fact that defines who you are?

Ash, what are you doing? Really.

Turn that laser sight your insight is - sharp, cutting, able to see reality in an instant - back in on yourself.

What are you doing, and why?

The answers are for you, of course, because nothing we say matters in the end, does it? And it shouldn't. Listen to only that one voice that means anything. You know whose it is. Not "yours" - the you you are reacting as right now - but the voice of your Genuine Self.

Yep, I'm turing your own advice back on you, but only because it works so well and it's the Truth.

And you know it.

I'm going to be honest because I'm one of the people who has in the recent past had a distorted view of you and felt I have taken more bad/negative out of my personal interactions with you, than I have good. This is about me and my stuff, not you and yours! Even so, I may have some issues, I'm not going to beat you over the head with a frying pan because of them, I'm going to keep working on me and my stuff.

I recently made a point of reality checking and it would seem that I have had equally as many good experiences than I have bad, so from where I'm sitting, you're human. You're grey - not all good or all bad but, good enough. But I guess that has to come from within you and my saying it means nothing.

Boy, can I relate to wondering if I'm inhertently bad at the core. This is a core message that still comes up a lot for me, even after years of therapy. (I wonder if I project that onto other people at times too?) I know that I'm not bad (in my head) but, boy do I feel it sometimes (even more so when people are insisting on telling me how bad I am.) I still teetor-totter "I am ok/I'm not ok" especially when I give others opinions and words too much power. Planning to do another EMDR session to tackle this core belief once dad goes back to the UK. It's been a stubborn message to re-write.

I guess I'm a little puzzled by your post. Is this for real? Or is Ash taking the piss? If it's real, well, I'm damn sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad and yet at the same time, I'm thinking "she is human. She does have issues. She's not totally perfect." I guess it somehow changes the "I am without issues I don't make mistakes. I'm perfect" view that I might otherwise have of you.

What I'm reading here if this really is a serious post (and yes I'm doubting the authenticity of it because it is so out of character) is Ash is human.

Are you able to remind yourself that there are good days and bad days and that beating yourself up for the bad isn't the answer (And even more so allowing others to beat you up isn't the answer.) How about just riding out those feelings, knowing that they will change again, soon enough, as all feelings do. Other than that, you know the tools to deal with your thoughts.