BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Julie, I know this thread is about Ash and those she addressed posts to, but I'm going to stick my nose in here anyway.

The idea that the Leadership Teams sit around and gossip about people behind the scenes is categorically false. We don't diagnose, and we don't label people "recovered" or not. Just doesn't happen.

IF we talk about a member here, it's mostly because there is unusual tension with that person, and we might have a discussion about ways to best improve the situation. Sometimes, when things are going well, weeks go by where there is no such conversation at all.

There is no judging going on. Each of us is an individual (and some of us have 3-D lives that are as complicated as yours), and obviously we relate differently to different people. I guess that a person here might feel like a certain S/CL doesn't "like" him or her, but there is no team effort to judge anyone.

The only exceptions are when there is someone who is having a total meltdown, or is really disrupting life on the board, or something like that, and then we talk about what we think is going on and how to handle it. But still, we're not gossiping, and we're not deciding that we're "above" everybody here, or better, or whatever.

You may not believe me, or you may think, oh, this is just the Admins circling the wagons and defending each other. So take it or leave it. But you're mistaken in your determination that we're having some kind of behind the scenes gossip parties or bitchfests about you or anybody else.

Ash, I appreciate your response. Mostly, it's nice to have acknowledgement that it was read.

I initially started the website to have a place for me to work through my own stuff. I found it wasn't terribly easy to do it on my own - I kept getting tripped up by myself.

The more people came in, the easier it became. I had sounding boards, differing opinions, unique perspectives. It was all good. Even the bad and the ugly were good.

I've kept the website going because I want people to have a good, helpful, positive experience like I had. Notice I didn't say "bump-free" or "drama-free" or "nasty-people free" or anything else. We've certainly had our fair share of dramas and meltdowns around here.

I wanted a place where people who were interested in and open to the ideas of recovery that are set forth on these pages could come together and work toward the common goal of healthy, happy living regardless of circumstance or diagnosis.

I wanted a place where a grouping of like-minded people could come together to help each other and compile tips, tricks, techniques and tools to aid in the achievement of that common goal.

I wanted to spread the word that borderline personality disorder is not a death knell.

And I honestly believe that if only three people have ever been helped or will be helped by this website's existence, then I've done a good thing. I've given back to the world, repaid threefold all the help I've received along the way. If 97 people are idiots and morons but only 3 get it, I'm okay with that.

I believe the numbers here are actually reversed - that there is a much larger percentage that do get it, do understand it, are open to it, etc.

I actually discussed my derisive attitude toward the bulk of humanity with my therapist many moons ago. She had probably known me (face-to-face) for at least six months by that point so she had a fairly good idea of who I was. (I point this out so it's not construed that it was said early on before I may have let down my guard or whatever - I've never had a guard up when it comes to therapy. There as here I've always been an open book.) I was the one to raise the concept of narcissism with her and she dismissed it out of hand. No hemming, no hawing, no tap-dancing. Her explanation coincided with what some other people have suggested. (I'm thinking of Candle's brother.)

I know I'm not a terribly nice or patient person. I know I can be callous and bitchy and condescending at times. If anyone wants to slap an NPD label on their Ash VooDoo doll (sold in the lobby), they're more than welcome to do so. I, however, have already covered this ground with my therapist and I've put the topic behind me. No point in beating a dead horse, as the saying goes. Think whatever you wish, just please don't try to engage me in conversations designed to get me to consider/discuss the possibility that I'm running away from or hiding from NPD. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.


I'm sorry you feel that way. I can imagine feeling judged when reading "Ash thinks most people are morons." It's hard to say "well, I must be an exception, I'm not part of the 'most' she's talking about." It's much easier to instantly go to the bad place and assume "oh dear, she has judged me a moron."

I can't, however, imagine how you would feel anyone else on the S/CL team has helped you feel like you're being judged as not recovered. I can't think of any incidents or comments from anyone else on the team that might lead to such thoughts or feelings. Perhaps I've missed something.

Either way, earlier you made it a point not to assume and you asked if I had left your name off the list because of the CC we had. Now it seems as though you've abandoned that approach entirely and have made the assumption that we're all conspiring against you, plotting and judging, and you've expounded on that premise as if it were fact. I understand that it's a feeling you have rather than proof. I just find it interesting that you've done what appears to be a 180° turn from what you posted five hours ago.

I'm also finding it interesting that we have conflicting opinions or perceptions in this very thread about who and how I am. Jody opinion is that I'm not N; GH's opinion is that I'm a quacking N. In the absence of overwhelming popular opinion or a licensed mental health professional's diagnosis, I suppose I'll just have to rely on my own sense of self for this one.

Not that it makes much difference, but my allergy medication is a pill whereas you (GH) have a nasal spray and I am partly-on, partly-not-quite-on my Wellbutrin. I have some name brand (which work remarkably well) and some generic (which work remarkably less-well) that I have been juggling. Last weekend was the culmination of a three-day stint on the generics and I came to that realization in the midst of the breakdown. Returning to the name brand pills for a few days helped even things out for me. I have gone back to no more than two days at a stretch on the generics and I should have a year's supply of the name brand on file with the mail order company by mid-March.

everyones opinion probably comes from the N they knew in their life, how they behaved (there is several degrees or "types" of narcissism) and then our filters about it.

regardless, it makes neither view less than the other. i have one, GH another, and we respect each other to allow it. mine is based on me, and only I care about it anyways. lol. hers is based on her, and probably the same applies there too. i always say opinions and a buck will get a cuppa coffee at the truck stop.

re Ash saying most people are morons. well, thats whoevers loss who thinks that. people have the most amazing things to share, even homeless who have lived thru things i cant imagine. i think people are fascinating and moron would be in my own judgement. so as long i know im not a moron, even if Ash or someone thinks i am, it doesnt really matter much in the long run. even if i am a moron, it still doesnt matter.

no one will know who gets the most from BPDR or who doesnt. or who "recovers" and who doesnt. again, that is a assumption on our part thru our filters. it isnt the truth and wont ever be, as we have no way of knowing it.

lobby? i must be using the side door. i need to check out the gift shop...........

imho* again...jody

Ash, thank you so much for taking the time to provide individual responses. Hope you're feeling a little better by now.

Take care,

EmJay

I know that I'm confused at this point, but I cannot imagine what a debate about NPD adds to any discussion about what has gone on here in the last week. The simple fact is that a person with NPD could not have started and maintained such a successful BPD recovery site.

This is not what I think lol. I was drinking last night when I posted this. I read something and projected. So if I could, I would like to retract this statement.

A good example of someone who posts when they shouldn't...

Ash, I'm sorry you are disappointed in me for thinking you were faking. But, unlike what you wrote to me, I did not think you were doing it to "test" people. I thought you were doing it to show how twisted some people's thinking can become, and to try to point out that the drama on the Board has gone too far. I was not thinking of you in a negative way at all. I thought the "ends justified the means", and you were exaggerating your symptoms to help the rest of us.

It's not that I thought you were inhuman and that it wasn't possible for you to have a meltdown, but I thought that the tools were so ingrained in you that you surely would not ever think of yourself as an awful person. I thought you would automatically apply the tools and CBT, and would have untwisted your thinking before posting. It just didn't make sense to me that you would post such negativity about yourself.

I realize I still should have accepted what you posted face-value like I would anyone else who would have posted it. But, whether you like it or not, I do expect more from you than from anyone else, because it's your board and because you wrote the book. I don't put you on a pedestal, but I respect you for what you've accomplished with the Board.

I hope you're feeling better.

Ash, I read your responses to others when I got home. I was flabbergasted.

You called some (at least one) by her first name. :shock Where is the privacy in that? For what reasons do you not use your first name on here? It isn't ASH.

Now, your not an N or even a person with N tendancies. But you were at the end of your meltdown. Did you change your mind? Or did you decide that the world really is 97% 'moron' with you being one of the enlightened, entitled, superior 3%? Smarter, better than the rest?

I frankly don't care what portion you put me in because I don't believe that 97% of the world are "morons". We are PEOPLE, HUMAN, just like you. We ALL have things going on in our lives like generic drugs, sleepless nights, grief, dogs diagnosed with cancer, Effexor withdrawal gawd awful headaches...

I think you are projecting your expectations of yourself onto others when you keep telling us that WE expect you to be perfect. You make mistakes. I'd say 97% of the people on here 'get that'.

Sari wrote:



I know for a fact that SOME of you do. These people who some of all y'alls "discussions" have been about are being targeted as of late by several CL's and SCL's because they 'disrupt' the website. But only 1 of the 2 causing the disruption was targeted by SCL's and CL's - why is that? Because Ash 'relates' to the other one? I saw the long, wordy CC between the two - talk about looking for attention, shock value, not recovery headed, good Lord! How much time did that thread take? How many resources?

The perceived "coalition" of people were targeted on here by some of the CL's and SCL's - and they still are. I can see it. Why, they even get called by their first names.

The reason that some on here 'disrupt' the website? Because they been on here for years without ANY RECOVERY. If that isn't a judgment being made by SCL's and CL's, well, I don't know what is.

Moreover, that makes this website unwelcoming and downright 'hostile' to some. I've seen it!

GH, you sound triggered by the situation. Maybe take a few deep breaths, step away, and come back when you're not as emotional.

Yes, you are a doll Trinity! Thank you. Taking a deep breath now and stepping away. In fact, I feel that I am being disruptive here and will step away from the entire thread.

I'm sorry Ash, the thread is yours.

Hi Ash, Thanks for the response. I cant relate to what you've said too.

Thank you for the individual response, Ash. I guess I misinterpreted the "what's going on" title to be a reference to the "drama" demonstrated on the board lately - i.e. people not getting along, "alliances" forming, etc. I thought you were fed up with all that and projected that frustration onto yourself. Now I see that you were doing something that I myself have been known to do - you were looking for validation of your own negative feelings about yourself. You felt like a bad person and you wanted others to say it too so you could say "see, I'm right - I suck." I simply responded to your post in the way I would respond to anyone who posted about being down on themselves - try to pick them up a little. Thanks again for all your support of late.

-NAM