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I have been acting a little violent lately... does anyone act out violently? And have you found any ways to combat this? Or combat angry feelings?

Hi Vegangirl~

Yes, I have acted out violently before. It is the pent up, extreme anger that you feel, maybe?

I really don't know how you are acting out, so I am not sure where to start.

Next time you feel your acting out coming on (got to learn how to recognize it before it starts) can you go somewhere by yourself, take a pillow to scream into and punch? Can you imagine that the pillow is what caused your anger?

Someone (or two) on here suggested putting an elastic band on my wrist and snapping it when I felt an extreme emotion coming on. Another suggested holding an ice cube. The physical sensation of the pain, cold helps to block the extreme emotion.

I hope that helps.

Thanks for the reply.

I actually hit a loved one, while I was out in a parking lot

I have thought myself of the rubber band actually- I think I'm going to try that.

I just need to work on that- because I'm such a loving person, and my anger when I'm getting annoyed by someone has to stop.

I used to act out violently. I got away with this behavior for a long time, even into adulthood. Before we got married, my husband (who also has BPD) told me he believed it was inappropriate to be physically violent with other living beings. That sort of nipped my violent impulses in the bud . . . that and the realization that I could be charged with a crime if I gave in to those impulses. Whatever relief or satisfaction I might feel when I strike out at someone just isn't worth the price I might have to pay.

Take care,

EmJay

As far as combatting anger, my belief and experience is that angry feelings don't need to be combated, rather, dealth with and worked through. Anger isn't bad. It's okay to be angry. In fact, I think accepting that it's okay to be angry helps anger be easier to deal with.

Another thing that helps is physical exercise. Working out can really help with pent up anger. Plus, it is a healthy thing to do and helps to take care oneself.

I have started an exercise regime for health reasons. I find that working out helps a lot in a myriad of ways. It tires me, I feel better, I feel healthier and better about myself. It is a good way to take care of me.

Others have mentioned that as well - that exercise is beneficial.

There's a difference between healthy anger and BPD rage, fueled by twisted thoughts.

Not all anger is ok, and violence is never acceptable.

I'm not getting on your case, vegangirl, to make you feel bad or anything - you obviously feel sad about what you did and are looking for ways to deal more productively in the future (good for you!). I'm talking about myself here, especially in the light of the road rage incident I had this weekend. I didn't personally physically assault anyone, but my actions were dangerous and aggressive.

It was because of my twisted beliefs that I was being threatened (she was tailgating me). I fed into that anger, on purpose or not. I was responsible for the behavior that came out of that feeling.

In the past when I've had road-rage problems, I've dealt with them through means like trying to have a sense of humor about it, ignoring the other's behavior (distracting myself), trying to have empathy for the other (maybe they're on the way to the hospital, etc). Looks like I have to start practicing that stuff again.

Anyway, does any of this sound familiar to you in your own case? Do you have certain ways of thinking about things that make you feel angry? You said you got "annoyed" with the person you hit. What were you thinking before you hit them? Do you have ways to kinda "check" your thoughts to see if they make rational sense, or if they're just emotional? Are you in DBT therapy at all?

I assaulted my husband in a parking lot when I was 18! I didn't hurt him much but the fact that I hit him at all surprised us both. I realize that I am prone to violence when I am drunk and angry so I have to avoid that combination. I think I had a lot more anger back then since I don't get angry enough to want to hurt someone anymore. I have never even spanked my kids because I am afraid to hit them in anger. Violence does not solve problem, it just magnifies them.

I have had road-rage problems too. I feed into that anger. It's really easy for me to feed into that anger. When I hit my loved one, I was just really annoyed, and we were saying things back and forth to each other, and the rage I had got so out of control that I just swung.

I'm not in DBT therapy... actually, I've been trying to figure out what that is. I'm 19... kind of not up on all the therapy stuff. But I'm willing to try different things.

I agree that healthy anger is very different from violence. I would hate to ruin a relationship with a loved one over this! And it never solves anything- it always makes it worse. Definitely.

I don't really have any ways to check my thoughts. I just feed into them.

I thought this might also help in replying to my post--

When I did act out in violent anger that night, it was because I was getting anxious/nervous about something in particular. We had just got out of a concert, and we left while the last song was playing so we could beat the traffic. When we got out to the parking lot, we couldn't find the car. I said to my loved one "I thought you told me that you knew where we parked". I got all anxious because I was worried that all the people would start piling out and we would be stuck in traffic even though we had planned not to. I was mad at my loved one for not remembering where the car was parked. We have had this problem a couple times before in parking lots and it has sent me through the same anxiety, only this time it was the worst because it has happened about 3 times. Not that I think I'm right at all, just explaining how I felt. So I was calling my loved one "irresponsible" and "careless" and I just kept talking and talking and then my loved one yelled "SHUT UP!" really loud at me. That just pushed me to the limit of my annoyance and I hit my loved one and was saying "don't ever tell me to shut up".

Wow, I sound crazy.

But that's the story.

:/

If knowing where the car is parked is so important to you, then why don't you yourself note and remember where it's parked? That would be one way to take responsibility for your feelings of anxiety.

I have lost my car so many times that I should carry a portable GPS in order to find my way back! LOL The worst is when I park in a familiar parking lot but end up parking in an area I don't usually park so I don't know to look there. When I have lived close enough to walk places, I have actually walked home only to discover that I had driven somewhere instead and I then had to walk back for my car. I can say that in all the times I have hit myself upside the head for losing my own car, it has not improved my memory and I am just as likely to lose it again. I am just getting better at finding it with so much practice. LOL

I guess if an issue such as where the car is parked were important enough to me that I was liable to end up hitting someone over it, I would carry a small notebook and write down where the car is in situations like the concert.

Vegangirl - I think that oceanheart has a great point: BPD rage is a different animal than good, healthy anger. BPD obsessive anger is something that I'm all too familiar with, but I've found that there are many ways to cope. One of the biggest for me is telling myself how totally unnecessary it is for me to feel that way. Sure, the reason why I get irrationally angry has a real history to it, but is serves no real purpose; all it does is just rob me of being a part of healthy living. I can't count the hours of my life I've wasted letting things get to me, or making past hurts fresh again in my mind, which just make me feel awful, and craving of revenge.

So, that's what helps me the most: telling myself that irrational rage is no way to live. Also, being productive and exercising do wonders.