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I was hanging out with friends yesterday. A mutual friend showed up, and said hello and chatted with everyone in the room but me (our mutual friends noticed)

When she left, she purposefully walked by me with her head in the air (others noticed this too)

Nothing happened between her and I that could possibly cause this. I've been going over it in my head, trying to understand. I cannot come up with anything at all.

I have been feeling confused and hurt by this, so I called her today to talk with her, and she told me that she doesn't feel comfortable talking with me on the phone. She was very short with me on the phone. I was in tears after hanging up. I had a panic attack, and spent time afterwards calming myself down.

I feel completely baffled. I feel really hurt. We've known each other for years. Our mutual friends asked me what was going on, and I don't even know what to say. I just feel so awful.

I don't know how to process this. This doesn't make any sense at all to me.

The only reason I can think of offhand is that your friend heard or read something negative about you, or that she wrongly heard or read something that you said derogatory about HER. It sounds like she misunderstood some information and is not wanting to check it out with you.

She said she felt uncomfortable talking to you on the phone. Does this mean she will talk with you in person, or via email or in writing? Can you find out? Can you write or email her and say what you posted here: that you are completely baffled by her behavior? If she won't tell you what's bothering her, and why she is behaving this way, there's not much you can do about it. I hope she will agree to see you, or will write you back if you email or write her. I can understand your confusion and hurt over this. I hope you can straighten it out soon!

Wow, Apple. This has got you pretty upset and feeling badly.

So you don't know what to make of it. And your friends don't know what to make of it. I guess that only leaves one person who knows what's going on in her mind. Her behavior looks like it's her way of making some kind of statement. Either to you or about you. But she won't talk to you.

It's hard for me to imagine that she has not taken some tidbit of information from somewhere and twisted it into some nasty blame casting thing. It sounds like her behavior is intended to make you feel hurt.

What options can you find, perhaps in The Four Agreements, for guiding your thinking about how to respond to this kind of juvenile.. (Oh, there I did it, a judgment.. no, no.) behavior?

As for me, someone who pulled that kind of caca would have knocked themselves right off my "friends" list, no matter what the past involves. My choice would be that I have too much respect for myself to ever again knowingly put myself in the line of fire for such treatment.

I called her again today to try talking with her again.

Pretty much immediately after saying hello, she told me that she has been feeling uncomfortable with me lately, and that she doesn't know why. She said that she doesn't understand herself what is happening to her.

Before I had the chance to say anything, she said 'bye' and hung up.

Has anyone her experienced what she is talking about?

I think it's time to let this one go.

It seems pretty obvious that something is triggering her. She said she's not even sure what it is. It may or may not have anything to do with you directly. My suggestion would be to back off for a while. Give her some space to figure out what's going on. I know it is difficult, but it wouldn't do either of you any good to keep calling her. Try to respect her wishes and give her some breathing room. Maybe once she gets things sorted out she'll call you again.

Nice one for asking directly, I have often found this really hard to do. But really the only sure way of avoiding the assumption making trap.

It sounds from what she said it has more to do with her own feelings about whatever is bugging her than anything you did or didn't do. Yes it would be great if she lay it out on the table, but whatever it is seems to have her in a bit of an uncomfortable spot. This is her stuff certainly to be dealing with unless she chooses to share and your call has shown willingness to hear her out.

So where does it leave you?

Ok, well, she has spoken. I would now wait to let her make the next move.

I think to understand what her intent could be, you could measure how she has acted in the past, and whether or not she has been trustworthy. Things are not looking good considering her intent at this point. She acted what I consider to be very rudely towards you.

This could be in reaction to something you did. I think I would analyze my own actions to see if I thought it was. If so, she still didn't handle the situation anywhere near appropriately, but she may be hurt and not know how to handle it, and/or is angry and acting out at you for some injustice she sees. Or, she could possibly just be a stuck-up, cold person who feels like treating someone badly.

Eventually, if I decided she was a real friend who had gained my trust, I would question her about her actions again, because I deserved an explanation. If she didn't want to eventually call me and let me know what happened, depending on the person, I may become worried about her mental health and begin questioning her concerning her current situation. Someone who had gained the status of real friend to me, I would be like 99.999999999999999999999999999% sure would never do this unless they honestly went off the deep end.

out in the cold



the trust I had in her has been harmed now...and I don't know if I'd get it back