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I have Gender Identity Disorder. It is now, according to my therapist, the primary issue I have. And I believe him. I have periods of time where I'm okay with being female, or at the very least I can ignore it. And I have periods of time where I regard my body and my feminine features with loathing and disgust and, more recently, even fear.

I am now at the point where the dysphoric periods are longer and more frequent than the "normal" periods. I picked up a book written by a transman earlier this week, something I've never even considered because of the repercussions there would be if my father finds it.

I want to transition. I want to be ME in real life, not everyone else's image of me. Yet I'm still refusing to take any definitive steps to do it. This isn't a choice I can just bounce into. I would lose my boyfriend; I would lose a good deal of sexual function. I could even lose my job and, worse, the roof over my head. Because telling my father that his little girl is actually his youngest son would NOT end well.

I'm not sure why I'm posting about this. Perhaps for validation that I'm not just bullshitting, and that the tiny steps forward I'm taking are still steps forward?

Yeah, we'll go with that.

:/

Hey Josh, I don't have anything to say to you which could at all be of use to. I do however relate to the lack of congruency in ones person ie: inside we feel one thing, but on the outside we have to show another so as to be accepted. It sucks feeling out of sync and so contradictory in ones own skin. Wishing you all the best as you work through this difficult stuff.

Josh, I don't know what support you have in New Jersey. I live in Indiana. There is an organization here called INTRAA (Indiana Transgender Rights Advocacy Alliance). Why not check out their website? They have a lot of good links and maybe you can even talk with someone there? They're very nice people. Maybe you can get some support there.

I did find an organization called "Garden State Equality" - http://www.gardenstatequality.org. You can check them out.

You can also go to the National PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) for information. I know there must be local chapters of PFLAG in your state where you can get support too. The national site has lists of PFLAG chapters near where you live.

I know you're not bullshitting. This is a huge decision. But you need to be true to yourself and live your life as it was meant to be lived. Maybe when you open one door, another is closed, but you are finding the true YOU. I will support you here as much as I can.

National PFLAG has just updated their website. They have a link specifically for Trans issues. Click on that and you'll find a whole lot of stuff. I urge you to look at it.

I'm a PFLAG mom and if you just want to talk, I'm here for you! You're not alone.

I really appreciate the responses. I'm sorry about my own slow response. When I'm depressed, I tend to just stop; even moreso when other things are happening. :shysmile

Thank you for the links, Bordergirl; I'm definitely going to look into them. When, I don't know. I came down with acute gastritis a while ago and stopped taking all of my pills- threw them up the day that I got sick, didn't take them for a few days because I was still having stomach cramps, and then I was out of the habit and just forgot to start taking them again.

Only one- birth control- is a prescription. The others are vitamins and supplements that supposedly have mood-balancing and elevating properties (St. John's Wort and B6 are those specific ones). I didn't notice much of a difference when I was taking them, but holy crap, do I notice it now.

I also read about a quarter of that book in one sitting. That resulted in some rather strong emotions. I think I did it too fast. :shock

This is off-topic, but I feel I should let you know, Josh, that St. John's Wort and birth control pills don't play well together. The herb can reduce the effectiveness of the pill and result in pregnancy. You might want to google them together and do a little reading. Also be careful if you stopped taking the pill due to being sick.....as I recall, and I'm not sure about this, you have to resume the pill and take it for a full month while using other forms of birth control before relying on it alone. The information that comes with the pills should talk about this. Just trying to help you keep your life uncomplicated by a surprise pregnancy!!!

Josh, I hope you're feeling better! And yes, try to get back to your medication as soon as you can. Go at your own pace with the reading. Absorb just as much as you can, okay? I'm sure it might be overhwelming for you. Are you seeing a therapist?

Hang tough.
Keep breathing.

Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid. And this IS a very big thing to think about because it would change almost everything...but this is your life, and you have every right to become who you believe you are, who you want to be, who you feel INSIDE and out. You are right to not just "jump in", but it IS an option for you to research. Only you can decide which trade-offs are worth it.

FWIW, I support you where ever this journey takes you.

I used to work with someone who transitioned from female to male. He made the transition long before I came on the scene, and I only found out about it because some coworkers decided to tell me. Apparently he'd transitioned back and forth a couple of times before it became permanent, and the human resources made the appropriate announcement each time. When I found out, I remember thinking that even though I couldn't relate to what he had been through, I certainly admired his courage. I applaud you, Joshua, for taking things slow and considering your options. This is a huge, important decision.

Take care,

EmJay