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I've found out that a couple of people have been talking about me in not so glowing terms. I'm not close to these people. They merely are online acquaintances. So... why am I so angry? So hurt? I'm in tears over this. I have an issue with being liked. I have to be liked by everyone, or else... Sigh. But I know it's not realistic that everyone is going to think that I'm an awesomely cool person.

It's separation of stuff. It's not taking things personally. I know this, but it's weighing on me and I'm at a loss as to how to move past it.

Betrayal is very hard to take, ((Trinity)), and I'm so sorry that you have been hurt.

I very much understand your feelings and, in the end, all we can do is remember that what others do, including to us, is a reflection of who THEY are, NOT who you are!!

I know that does not help to alleviate the pain you feel right now and, again, I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt!

Most fondly,

J.

I suggest you consider the source. You already said that you are not close to these people. Are these people whose opinions you care about or are they people whose opinions you would not trust on any subject matter? Do these people talk this way about most people and you just happened to get caught in their gossip this time? There are people who seem to have a need to publish their opinions about other people but hardly anyone would actually buy into their viewpoint because it is so off base. I tend to ignore opinions that don't match with direct evidence and I think other people are able to do the same.

Do you remember the come-back that was popular in elementary school - "it takes one to know one"? If someone makes it a habit to criticize others on a regular basis, you can bet they are the most deserving of their own criticism. It really is a reflection of them and it is not about you. You don't even have to defend yourself against outlandish gossip because everyone will be able to see that it is untrue and that the source is dishonest. Is there any chance that you are afraid that there is some truth to the gossip?

Most people have that need. You know? That is why not taking anything personally is so difficult.

Question: In order to be liked do you try to please everyone?

A RL story: One of my neighbors gives every new person that moves in a plant. Except I didn't get one. Another neighbor pointed that out to me and was offended about it. It didn't 'bug' me like the other neighbor, but still, I wondered.

Fast forward: The other day, the neighbor that gives everyone a plant came over and gave me mine. It is a beautiful plant!

Missing facts: The neighbor grows these plants herself as offshoots from another plant given to her. She was waiting until the plant was big enough to give it to me.

There wasn't any reason for me to get all worked up about it, cause myself more suffering because I didn't have all the facts.

In your case, maybe you don't have all the facts. You cannot please everyone; conflict is a part of life. This is causing you hurt, yes, try not to suffer needlessly, though.

Just my thoughts.

Oh Trinity. I, too, have been the topic of gossip, many a time. I've become somewhat "thick skinned" about gossip. Sometimes the louder we scream out that we are innocent, the guiltier we may look. And it takes up so much energy, both emotionally and physically and your reaction to the gossip could be exactly what they are looking for. Don't give them the satisfaction!

Don't let it get you down. Remember you are giving the "loose lipped" too much power. Don't allow someone else to make you feel this way. (Sometimes gossip is just plain mean and intended to hurt someone's feelings! Just to get their (sick) jollies. You are much bigger than those type of people).

Keep your power, girl! You are stronger than all this.
God Bless
Steff

Well, I don't know the details, but....

Accepting that we can't change everyone's perception of us. No matter how hard we try to do the right thing, there will always be those who choose to delve into gossip. If we happen to become the target, perhaps review our own actions to see if we contributed in any way to becoming a target of malicious behaviors. But regardless, we can't change the actions of another.

Accepting that has been difficult for me to do.

Gossip seems to be a pretty popular hobby for those of us who are bored and/or dramatic, and/or seeking a "rush" of sorts. It wouldn't be shocking at all for me to find out I was being gossiped about, in fact, I expect it to some extent. But I think the key in being able to deal with it if it happens is the fact that I have accepted that it happens, and it could happen to me, and probably will. If people are looking, they can always find something to say about me, being that I'm not perfect.

At the same time, I wouldn't want to actually hear it. I don't want to hear what people are saying about me, unless it has some credibility. For example, my bf's best friend thinks I am lazy and unaccountable. I have figured out he has the right to think that, so it doesn't make me angry. It's only things that don't make sense to me that make me angry.

I think I can about imagine who would do it to me at any given time and what they would say (and I have to admit to being more angry than hurt, if I think about it). I've thought about it. But it really doesn't make any real difference to me, I just keep plugging away regardless. Hope you feel better.

I'm still working on acceptance myself. It still makes me angry to think about it.

Thanks Candle. You always say the right thing to help me feel better.

Denim, I haven't valued their opinion for a short time now. I don't know if they talk this way about everyone. And no, I don't think there is truth to the gossip. I just realized that these people just don't like me, and that's hard for me to take. I like the "it takes one to know one" line. LOL!

GH:



Ah! The magic question! Well, how else would someone like me? By who I am? I know that's the reason anyone should like me. Because of who I am. And if they don't like who I am, and there's nothing I can do to change that, it shouldn't mean a thing to me. I think this is where my co-dependency kicks in. As for the story about your neighbor, it doesn't apply. I think I used "gossip" because I couldn't think of another word. I know these two have been talking about me, and I know it hasn't been kind. No assumptions, in this case.

Thanks, Steff!

Aqua, that acceptance thing is hard, isn't it?

"""I've found out that a couple of people have been talking about me in not so glowing terms"""

and candle said.."""Betrayal is very hard to take"""

exactly. so exactly. hurts, dont it?

i have got that tshirt. you grow past it, and find out karma really is out there. or you stay stuck, in pain over some other persons beliefs that really dont matter in the long run anyways. that is giving away a lot of your own power.

how to get past the betrayal? dunno, i havent gotten past it yet myself. i think mine will become a lack of respect for the people but a acceptance they werent who i thought they were, and accept that and move on. when i dont respect someone, i just dont care what they think of me anymore.

i dont think its we need to be liked so much as its disrespect we dont like. speaking for me, replace we with I. i dont care if someone doesnt like me but i do not like them mouthing it all over the place. i dont see why they need that. i guess to make themselves bigger and i wont begrudge that for someone. it wont work, but they will eventually figure that out when they do it at age 100 in the rest home, i guess.

maybe its the disrespect you dont like? the fact they didnt keep it to themselves, and thought others might care about their views?

its a dont own it thing. a.. in words of this place...dont take it personally. doesnt mean you have to like it tho and cant confront them in a respectful way. just means its their problem to have the need to voice disparaging remarks about others. not yours. but i can see telling em you dont like it. i cant see doing it back to them, tho.

just my 2 cents............

No, it's not the disrespect in this case. It's simply that mean things were said and I feel I don't deserve the things that were said. The whole "it's not fair!" thing.

Time is an amazing healer for me, ya know? Just sitting with the idea for a few days gave me a separation from what happened and dulled the pain. And now I'm able to think about what happened more clearly. I'm glad I just sat and thought and did nothing, because I was thinking of confronting one of the two. That wouldn't have helped anyone. Now, I can just let it go and know not to trust anything to them. To not own what they say and to protect myself from further damage by minimizing my interaction with them.

lol. the "i dont deserve the things said".

that feels familiar. and i dont think entirely wrong, either.

we must agree to disagree on the confronting. i just dont agree with it. its cool.

i am never a believer on ignoring...after a point. it goes back to my own crap, and i changed it to how i live my life in a positive way. but do i sit back and just let it happen? not any longer. just depends HOW i respond.

im glad you found a way you can live with, for yourself. what would you do if they werent online, and persisted?

Their talking badly about me doesn't mean a thing about me. Basically, I'd do what I'm going to do now. I'm going to interact with them when I have to and, otherwise, keep them at a distance. I need to protect myself from further damage. Now that I know what they're up to, I can put up my boundaries to keep myself from falling into that hurt feeling again. That they don't know I know really doesn't phase me. I just don't see the upside to confronting them. The way I feel has nothing to do with them. It has to do with me and how I think. So, confronting them could only make the situation worse and it would keep me mentally in the victim loop Ash posts about.

and i dont agree. in certain situations, or certain times, how i confront someone tells them i respect myself, and i dont like their behaviors. and im not as bad as they are because i dont reply in kind back.

i find this works well with my H and his behaviors. ignoring all the time wont work. neither will confronting, or saying shit back.

i will no longer sit and be brow beaten by anyone in my life. i take it so long, then im done with it.

as i said, we dont agree.

i dont agree confronting someone keeps me a victim. that is my right, as it is anothers to believe Ash's post on the loop thing.

i believe confronting, and HOW i do it, prevents me from being a victim.

it also shows i stand up for my beliefs and wont look the other way all the time when a person decides to act like a asshole. they should be told their actions have consequences, whether they hear it or not.

could you possibly tell me how standing up..nicely, respectfully but firmly, makes someone a victim?

how ignoring all the time keeps one from being a victim?

im curious. im not talking all the time, im talking gray choices of course.

if this person continued bad mouthing you, or my fav---using negative adjectives and nouns about you---would you always keep quiet? in no situation would you consider speaking up in the framework i said above? would not defend a friend, a parent, a cousin, a child? ever>?

this might be a cultural thing,....texans arent known to be quiet and submissive as a whole. i see quiet as submissive,. i can tell you dont. could be something to do with that.

It's truly surprising how many statements in this thread resonate with me. I found myself in a similar situation, just hours after you posted this.. At least one person who wields quite a lot of influence in a group I work with had some things to say about my work that I found quite offensive. Considering how that turned out, there must have been at least some agreement from a few others I had worked with rather closely...

Here are some of the thoughts that made me wonder if this thread could have been about my own situation...


Oh, yeah... I know that one..


Yes it is hard to take, even if it exists only in one's mind. Sometimes the agreements are easier to apply than at other times, huh?



I guess this statement offered at least a bit of comfort to me. The thing is, I really have no way of knowing what if anything was said behind closed doors. And I'm not sure I want to know. It just seems that it's a situation where speaking honestly and openly is the better course, and although I've made an attempt to get that started, it hasn't yet happened.



I suppose there could be something to that statement as well. I'll have to think on it some more. I certainly did not see these people in this light before. But maybe I am giving them too much power in this case... since I don't know what was said, if anything.. I can't really know what their motives might have been... Hmmm.



Could well be something to that, I suppose. I wouldn't expect it from this group, but I suppose it could happen.



A very wise and helpful point indeed, Trinity. Thank you for that. I'm just not sure I can operate that way. Never have. I have to be able to trust, I'm afraid.

But clearly, there is something many can learn from in this thread, I'm quite sure.

b.

This is exactly how I would handle it these days. I have no time for shit-stirrers. I don't want to get caught up in their juvenile messes.

Confronting them would hand them your power. They have none, especially now that they've proven who they are. Now they will be handing you theirs.

Good job!

Riiiiiite on, Aqua. Thanks.

i find this so interesting that i so disagree with what is said.

i wonder why.

i see it exactly the opposite.

and please note,,,im NOT talking about arguing with someone, calling them names back or stuff. im talking telling someone exactly what i dont like about their behavior, nothing more.

would someone like Trinity explain to me why confronting in a healthy way is giving over your power? i do not get that at all.

i would like to see yall actually do this for a time. let someone bs behind your back (altho they always make sure you hear about it--talk about cowardice) and actually ignore it. continually. i would bet money on this one...

im not talking a one time occurence. im not talking being shitty back. im talking telling someone you dont like their behavior when it comes to you.

i begin to understand why some here cant understand why i dont just ignore and sit back. well, after a time period goes by, with anyone and at the moment im thinking on my DIL or SIL, i simply cant keep it up. i dont want to keep it up. i want to tell them i dont appreciate their behavior and it is hurtful and offensive.

one reason is i was made to take it for so long. i thought i was made to take it, as i knew no other option. "good people keep their mouths shut". and i never liked it then, and i wont do it now.

oh, im also not talking defending myself either.

anyone? the concept is nice, i would like some meat behind it as to the whys.

Hi ((Jody)): I don't think you are wrong here or misunderstanding at all. I think that it IS good to confront in a healthy way if one wants to, but I think one can choose, ya know?

I am, like Trinity, someone who always felt I needed to be liked. I never even thought to ask the question, "[D]o *I* like him or her." Isn't that wierd?! I was always so focused on keeping people pleased, etc..

It's only recently that I realized we get to choose. So, for e.g., if I have a standing friendship with someone about whom I have true regard over time, (like you or Trinity for instance [ ) ] ), then should a misunderstanding arise, I would likely decide to invest my energies in the process of trying to resolve whatever, including, if needed, confronting the person in, like you said, a respectful way, with the hope of coming to a satisfactory resolution for everyone concerned.

If, on the otherhand, I find that folks are talking shit about me and I don't really feel much for them and if I allow myself to make this analysis/determination which I never did before, than I can choose to just not bother, i.e. invest future energies.

Who knew I (we) have a choice? :shrug

I think that's what Trinity is saying, but I won't speak for her of course. I just read her as saying that she gets to choose how to respond and that that 'choice' is how one retains their power.

I don't know if that makes sense, zactly, :shysmile , but that's what I'm reading. So, you are correct and, from what I am understanding, your view is not inconsistent with the choice that Trinity is making or what I understand her to be saying.

Just my thots...

Edited to change BBCode.

When you did ______, I felt ________. Can you please _________?

I don't see the "victim" in that. I see honest communication.

Now, of course, I do believe their are battles worth taking on, others not so much and some, not at all. Perhaps this is one of the latter for you?



What are "they" up to and how do you "know" it? Is there a tattletale somewhere in the mix? (Tattletales are shit stirrers in MHO.) Will confronting the others doing the gossiping give away the "tattletale"? Is there a tattletale and do you feel the need to protect them?

[This sounds awfully juvenille to me, BTW.]

If you are stepping on my toe, I can stand there and endure it, possibly. That screams "victim" to me. Or I can respectfully and politely say, "Please, you are stepping on my toe. Can you please stop?" Most decent, healthy people will. They don't want to cause you pain. It is when someone steps on your toe on purpose - that's when you need to move away. And sometimes, you just don't know until you say something to the person who is stepping on your toe. Moving away without asking is "assuming".

:2cents

The point is the behavior isn't hurtful to me. Yes, it was at the beginning when it caught me off guard, but after running through the five steps in my head and doing some untwisting, I realize that their talking about me behind my back isn't anything that affects me. And if I confront them, they might think that they still get to me, and they don't. There's just no upside to the confrontation from where I look at it. I won't get a positive thing out of it. If anything, it just keeps me with the negative emotion, and that's not a healthy move for me.

Here's something to think about:

Me: I know you've been talking about me behind my back. I don't like it. Please stop.

Them: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: Of COURSE you know! (anger coming back because now I'm being lied to...)

--

Me: I know you've been talking about me behind my back. I don't like it. Please stop.

Them: Ha! I don't care what you think. We'll talk about what we want to talk about.

Me: (angry and hurt that they'll still be talking at me behind my back.)

--

Me: I know you've been talking about me behind my back. I don't like it. Please stop.

Them: Oh you're right. We're so sorry. We shouldn't have done it and won't do it again.

Me: (I wake up from my dream.)

--

Now, can you think of a different response I may get? How I might respond differently to one of the examples above?

PS Or maybe the person telling you this is assuming? Perhaps just stirring some shit? Is there some triangulation going on? Playing one against another (as in groups, maybe even cliques?)?

No, GH, it's not the case. I know for a fact.

So, what I am hearing is that you are assuming you won't get a healthy response of, "Gosh, I'm sorry." You've had the conversations in your head where you basically speak for the others. Are you projecting, perhaps?

That leaves me with this same question: How do you KNOW that these others are talking behind your back? Did YOU witness it? Or is another telling you that it happened? What if the one telling you it happened is seeing it in a different light?

That is called "heresay" in a court of law and not allowed. For obvious reasons.

GH, I'm not going to go into the details here. It's not relevant. I'm not going to argue with you about what I know or don't know. And what I posted are not actual conversations I heard in my head. They're just examples. What I'm saying is that I do not see an upside to confronting people who in the grand scheme of things won't don't truly matter to my emotional well being. I had a human reaction to the news that there was some not-so-glowing talk about me. My response is now to say, "Hm. Oh well!" and move along while keeping those people at arms length.

Not trying to argue with you, Trinity. I am just trying to understand the other's motives in telling you about it. Do you understand the reason the other person told you that others were "talking about you"?



My human response it to look at the "tattletale" and their motives. Are they trying to "triangulate" you? Get you on "their" side?