BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello all. I used the word overcoming in an effort to be truly hopeful; just trying to cope with a lack of identity isn't something that I think is conducive to a truly meaningful life, although learning to cope with the anguish of a not knowing who you are is something that I feel is necessary. I personally want to go all the way, however, and realize deep in my gut who I truly am.

So, I was wondering what techniques have helped you, or continue to help you (and if you're really lucky and got past this crisis, please tell us what you did!!!).

Recently, I've started trying to resist my defense mecahnisms and have been challenging them as they assert themselves. This usually involves the times where I have to confront other people. All my life, I've been afraid to say no, or when I did say no, it was coming from such an insecure place that often, people - the wrong people - would just ignore it, bully me, run me over, or not take me seriously. This is still a problem for me, and a very confusing and painful one. I guess the defense is to run from danger, or any sort of perceived threat, coupled with deep seeded feelings or worthlessness - I don't feel like I'm good enough to defend.
But, I am getting better at this, thanks to years of recovery effort.

I've also become good at not being to sensitive as to what others think about me, which has helped. I won't go on about that one.

These two things seem to be an important part of setting boundaries, which, in my view, are a crucial part of an identity; you have to your values intact, and be exercising them.

Anyway, I'd like to hear all of your thoughts and experiences, and tips. This is so important to me: not only do I see a lack of identity a symptom of bpd, but also one of the most, if not the most, vile and life depriving phenomenon associated with it.

This might be hard for you to talk about, but I started this thread not just for me, but for anyone who suffers this way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone on this earth, and you have my best wishes at heart if you are going through this, too.

-Kt

Keeptrying, keep trying, that's the answer! I like how your username is so full of hope, because if you keep trying you will get to a sense of yourself. How do I know? Because I am there. Almost 100% there when not too long ago I was lost to myself.

Good for you! That's really one way to start being yourself, by letting yourself be vulnerable and open to experience and allowing yourself to have honest, genuine emotions without the false wall of defense mechanisms blocking you off from the rest of the world and its people.

And like how you're doing with saying "no" to others, that will help strengthen your self-respect, a very important part of identity.

Also a good point. It's in knowing what we value, what we care about, and being willing to stand up for that in difficult times or with difficult people, where we can be strong in our selves.

On the personal side, this was important in my own recovery - learning what I believe and having the courage to believe in my own POV. I grew up doubting I was right about anything because of often being told I was wrong, so I didn't develop a way of reassuring myself of the validity of my feelings or thoughts or perceptions. I questioned my own reality.

But now I say that I am the final arbiter of my behavior and my thoughts. That change came about largely due to BPDR, because it was a safe environment for me to assert my personality, to talk about my beliefs, to interact with others different from me, to get support and comfort in my times of need (which indirectly told me I was a person of value, worth caring about).

There are many steps to get to a sense of who one is and it can take a long time, but it is the most rewarding feeling! I still have doubts now and then, of course, and I think that's healthy, otherwise we can swing the other way into arrogance and self-righteousness, into feelings of always being right, which is folly and false living.

I know who I am. I know what I value, what's important to me. I know where I want to go in my life and I know that I can get there. It is truly freedom and bliss.

I wish you the best on your journey (but it seems as though you already are walking a good path of your own!)

Marni

I remember when I was younger, I would look at other women and what they wore. It seemed to me that a lot of them had their own styles. They wore a certain style of clothing and had a certain "look" about them. I, on the other hand, was all over the place. I liked all different types of clothing and couldn't seem to find who I "thought" I was. It puzzled me.

I also had a problem stating my views. I was never sure enough of myself, so I was afraid to give an opinion on, lets say, politics. I still am that way sometimes.

I think for me, just getting older helped. I became less worried about what people would think about me. I realized I don't have to have a certain style. I could wear what I want and didn't have to fit into any mold.

I am slowly finding myself. But it's taking a very long time (I'm 57 years old). This is not to say that it takes everyone that long. But I just came to a realization that I am more complex than I thought I was and thought I should be. It's not so bad.

You can start by maybe making a list of things you enjoy. What types of music do you like? What types of things do you enjoy doing? Do you have political views? Also, you can also start by reading. Read books, newspapers, the Internet. Start to see where your values lie. What you believe in. Slowly you may see a pattern emerge.

Thank BG and OH. I actually do all the things that you both have mentioned, but your perspectives are both encouraging and helpful.

I agree that just getting older has helped. But, I feel that time is slipping away from me. I'm 36 now, which isn't old, and I think for most people this may be a transition stage, but I feel that each day that I live like this is a day stolen from me.

I try to stay busy and positive. I play music, study Japanese (I live in Japan),, and I try to stay healthy buy eating right and exercising. But, I want more in terms of feeling my life has more of a purpose. Although, even with BDP, I feel that I can make good decisions about what direction I want to go, but that takes a lot of faith on my part, and comes with lot of second guessing.

Any other suggestions?

-Kt