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It really bothers me that I still crave attention, that I would admit that I want to be part of the drama on the board, and that I wish people would want to engage me in CC's! I'm supposed to be healthier, and I know I am, but I still have this problem of wanting to be noticed. It comes and goes on the board, and I'm trying to deal with it. I know it's because I was never in the "popular crowd" in RL, but who cares now? I deal with it in RL better than I used to. I have my friends, and know I have a hard time in group social situations. I'm better one-on-one with someone. It's also a problem of jealousy. I still want awfully much to be validated, especially now that I'm almost done with therapy.

The flip side of that is that I don't want to be the center of attention. I do and I don't want to post this. I don't want the interactions of the board to mean a lot to me. It's like therapy. Maybe it's better to quit, but I can't. I need to not rely on the board for anything. Those who I email have become my friends. Maybe that's the direction I'm heading. But I hate goodbyes too. I want to find the grey area, where it will be nice to post and get replies, but it won't be necessary. I won't get upset either way. I will just validate myself, and not need this board anymore.

Wondering, I understand how you feel. I want attention but don't want to either. It's a weird feeling.

Why not try to break this down? Basically, the reason we're all here is to work on ourselves. I know there have been times when I've posted and didn't get the responses I "expected." Either there weren't enough replies, or I didn't like the ones I received. But the bottom line is we're here to work on issues. Sometimes I don't have anything to write about. It's like I want to post, but there's nothing to say. I can't make things up. So I feel left out because I have nothing to contribute.

One way to work around that of course is to reply to other people's posts and give them support. I try to do that. It's not that I like to post a lot, it's that I feel that one of the positive things I can do here is support and help other people.

As far as CC's go, I may be wrong, but it seems to me that CC's are where we go to work out issues with someone. If you dont' get CC's, it again seems to me that you're pretty stable and are not in conflict with anyone. I think that's a good thing.

You ARE doing better and in that respect you have a lot to contribute. I enjoy reading your posts. You write pretty positively and offer a lot to others. I think you would most certainly be missed if you left. Sometimes it's the ones who make the least noise who have the most to say.

Attention and recognition feels good.

Being scrutinized underneath a hot spotlight is uncomfortable.

When you see the attention headed to certain people, do you think they're in the former or latter category?

If you had five CC's opened to you with people asking you things, expecting you to answer things, accusing you of things, dragging out things you've done in the past to throw in your face -- do you think it would feel good to "be part of the cool crowd" in that regard?

Just because there's attention (in the form of energy exerted and posts being displayed) doesn't mean that the person (such as myself) is any better, cooler, more well-liked, popular or anything else. It could be that those 5 CCs make that person feel ganged up on, beaten up, bruised and bloodied, persecuted and tormented. That's not terribly cool, is it?

Alot of the problems have to do with "attention-seeking" behaviors from people who need to be "seen" in order to feel validated. The trouble is that by acting the way they do they are not seen in a positive light and that stirs up conflict and drama. I personally feel it is best to avoid those people and situations but it is not always possible. I am the kind of person who prefers to be "invisible" so as not to draw attention to myself so it is not "cool" to me to find myself caught up in stuff that is going on here. My first response is to walk away from people who want to pick a fight and I have been very tempted to do that a number of times. It is the people I connect with that keep me here time and time again.

Hi ((Wondering)) :yellowave :

I think your post is very iinsightful and, once again, demonstrates your strong abilities for introsppection and also for expression of your thoughts and feelings in an effective way.

Well done! )

As ever,

Candle

BG--

Thank you for saying that. I've always been told that I'm like that. The problem is that sometimes I want to scream and yell. I'm tired of being the "good, quiet, nice girl in the corner." I want to be the center of attention. Like Aqua posted in Susanna's thread: those who act out get a lot of attention. True, it's often negative attention, but sometimes I just want that attention so badly.

You said "we're here to work on issues." Bells are ringing in my mind. It's obvious to me that I am acting just the way I do (or have done) in therapy. Everyone told me to work on my issues and not dwell on my relationship with my T. I said that WAS my issue. It's almost the same here. When you say to work on an issue, I think "fitting in and getting enough attention" ARE my issues. I'm not the kind of person to act out, but I wish I were. I want to be bad, and get lots of attention. I don't know why. But that's just a fantasy; I don't know HOW to be bad, lol!

You're right about CCs. It's all part of my not wanting to feel invisible and left out. I've felt left out so much in my life, from childhood to adulthood. The board has been a way for me to be part of something, because I love to write and express myself that way, so it's the whole package I like. Just like my therapy was. It WAS the issue. Not sure if this is so clear to you, but it is to me.

Ash: I know you're right, and no, I would not like to be ganged up upon and made to feel tormented. I get your point. I want positive attention, not negative. It's so much easier to get noticed when you act out, though. It sounds so tempting.

Denim: It's interesting to me that you say you want to be invisible. I want the opposite! I don't want to fight anyone, though. I just want the attention.

Candle: Thank you. I don't know how effective I am, though. I mean I don't know how to stop wanting attention, and how to stop making the board so important. Like therapy was. I'm still a work in progress.

I hope you're seeing this thread as positive attention.

Yes, I am Ash!

You're sort of in a Catch-22 Wondering. I remember in school the kids who got the most attention were either the "good" kids who did everything right - who had the nicest handwriting, who sang the best, who drew the best, who wrote the best. Or else the kids who acted out and were "bad." And there I was, in the middle. Sometimes I did do something bad - well, usually it wasn't "bad" but something stupid. And when I did do something stupid and got attention for it, I was totally embarrassed! I couldn't seem to win.

When I was in group, I wanted attention. But when the attention was finally focused on me, I didn't know what to say. I would sort of clam up. So there again, I couldn't win. I wanted it but was afraid of it.

Can you accept that you are a sweet person who is pretty level-headed but still has issues? No matter what our core personalities are here, we all still have issues. And you have every right to bring those issues up, to work on them and ask about them. Don't give up. Keep pounding away. Gee, if you're lucky maybe one day you'll screw up (lol). And you know what? If you feel like yelling, go ahead. Write in capital letters. Tell everyone how you feel, no matter what. And if wanting attention IS your issue, then let us know. Talk about it. Pick it apart. I don't look at that as a bad thing - who am I to judge? You discuss it and work on it. I don't think there's a set agenda here - we work on whatever bothers us.

I think you're just starting to find your voice Wondering. Don't give up!

just a few cents here wondering. my mom tried to teach me that any attention was bad. nice ladies sit in a corner and never disagree or speak up. she did that because she wanted attention and got hit by a car from it. to her, it twisted up in her mind. thus, have no attention was safer to her. black and white.

attention of itself is not bad or good. it just is. its the outcome or way it is shown that can be negative or positive. same as everything.

i want to learn, so i speak up. i have always been that way. i am outspoken. i can easily see why people might think attention is bad, if all they got was abuse for it. being human sometimes demands attention. i dont think its wrong to want it. just check the whys and hows.

i always wish i could be quieter, more pliant, but its not me. so i just try to have a positive outcome in things.

Have you ever submitted your writing for publication? I have, and it really helped me make the transition from seeking external validation to validating my own efforts. At first I was just happy that someone wanted to publish my work because they thought other people might want to read it. Then I realized that putting myself out there was an act of courage in itself, whether anyone read my work or not. Getting positive attention became less important, because regardless of the response, I was doing something I enjoyed.

Take care,

EmJay

BG: Your post made me laugh and feel good! Thank you.



Ha, Ha. Yeah, I'd like to screw up a little, but I'm afraid, lol. I think it's all one issue: letting go without losing control. I discussed that in former therapies. It's why I can't cry with other people. I want to! I'm inhibited in many ways, still. I've never thought it was okay to focus on ME. I was in a therapy group years ago, and the spotlight was on me. I kept looking at the clock, saying I was taking up too much of the group's time. The leader covered up the clock! I'm the quiet one in the corner who wants someone to approach me. Yes, I'm learning to approach others, and I do that, but it's usually a struggle.

Jody: I'm glad you don't think that all attention is bad like your Mom did. I like you the way you are! I don't really want attention for being bad; I just don't want to be invisible. I want to be included, to be a part of what's going on. When there are 3 people talking, I don't like being the one who is ignored. That happens. I've discussed this issue in therapy, and it's just something I have to accept while I try to change it a little. I can't change my basic personality, though. I just have to accept being "me."

EmJay: Yes, I have submitted my writing for publication. I've had short essays and poems published in a few special interest types of journals, nothing the general public would be aware of. It was satisfying, but there's a frustration too. I want to write more, but it's so hard to get anything published. I want the recognition, so I write for my friends and family, where I know my words will be acknowledged and praised.



You're at a better place than I am. How did you get to that point? I enjoy writing, but I want it to reach the audience I'm aiming at. I also want to be noticed and praised for my writing. I used to want to be a "movie star" because I wanted the applause. I know I still have the problem of wanting/needing external validation, and I am working on that. I have had opportunities to work on it here on the board, when I want to scream when I don't get noticed enough.

Denim and others have told me they care even if they don't respond to my threads. That's a difficult concept for me to internalize. I base caring on something tangible. I need to SEE the evidence.

Getting back to writing, it IS a very good suggestion, EmJay. I do enjoy it for its own sake, but it's nice to get the recognition too. It's nice to meet a fellow writer!

Good question! Reaching one's audience is an important part of the job, and it is nice to be recognized for one's efforts. I suppose I had to get more satisfaction out of the writing process itself because the type of writing I've done usually does not result in huge amounts of recognition and praise. In fact, sometimes it's had the opposite result.

I've written "margin features" for several high school textbooks, the little questions and supposedly interesting facts that sometimes appear along the outer margins of the pages or at the end of a chapter. In other words, I wrote the stuff that most kids ignore! Yeah, not a lot of recognition there, but my editor liked my work. I enjoyed doing the research and coming up with a question that fit the topic of each chapter.

I used to review romance novels for a national magazine. My work did not always please the authors who wrote the books I reviewed. Sometimes these authors made their opinions of my reviews quite clear in a public forum. Not the kind of recognition I wanted, but I still realized that I was doing a service to readers of romance novels.

You're right, it's not easy to get published, but participating in critique groups, taking pride in my work, submitting it for publication, then having it accepted or rejected has really helped me not to take things personally.

Take care,

EmJay