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i am so embarrassed about my meltdown.

it is a nasty look, isnt it?

i am learning so much tho. denim was right, i was being the victim. i was having all inner child feelings. no adult in it.

and i am determined to stop this in me and learn a better way to do it.

i ask your forgiveness for my behavior. it affects the entire board and i am ashamed.

and i saw some light from all this. i looked at my behavior. i saw how i was thinking. and i am gonna change that. God willing.

jody

Things are going to work out, ((Jody)) - I really believe that. You've had some good insight just since yesterday. I think that's pretty awesome don't you?

When I have my meltdowns, I've noticed that my 'turn-around time' is much faster now, (which I attribute to continual use and practice with the tools), than it was in my past life.

I'm thinking that you might be finding that, too; what do ya think?

yeah, i think so also. turn around time..i will remember that phrase.

sarah said something to BG in their CC that struck a chord in me. "wanting to be parented".

boing!

exactly what i was doing with denim. i didnt know what to do about it and somehow, and i wish to hell i knew how it happens, my inner child takes over and acts out. shows her needs and i dont know im asking for them. by asking mods to help, or saying im not talking about or to another person, i was copping out. i wasnt being a adult.

so clear...in hindsight. hell, we all have hindsight.

but why does she come out? why is she so powerful? i wish i knew. she comes out when im feeling very threatened. but actually im not threatened at all, because this is not next door stuff. so its a echo. a reminder, somehow. the same song replayed kinda stuff. it hits a memory i cant recall yet.

i am so sorry i did act like that. maybe some day i can see it before it comes out like that. layers upon layers, isnt there? if only this work burned calories..lol.

Jody -

you've been really trying hard to make changes and like you said, they dont come overnite, but hell gal you are progressing. i hope you keep on. i know you are working at being less reactive, more open. i think it is great and i know how much work it is on each of these steps.

keep on going and keep looking at your progress as a counterweight to your screw ups. if we sit in our screw ups we wont keep moving.

give yourself a lot of time to regain the balance that just got upended. and keep on keepin on.

I am glad you recognize how "nasty" it looks and that you are embarrassed about your meltdown because maybe that is what it will take to prevent it from happening over and over and over again.

At the same time, don't give me credit for your delusions. I don't see an "inner child" as being responsible for your meltdown nor do I see a victim. Having a victim mentality does not make you a victim and I have never seen you as a victim the way you see yourself that way. More often I see you lashing out at other people because your feelings are hurt and you somehow think your feelings are more valid than other people's feelings. You don't seem to recognize other people's feelings, just your own.

Do you have any idea how much Candle is struggling with her own stuff right now? Have you paid any attention to the fact that she is having a hard time personally? Your words to her were so unfair and yet you still see yourself as being the one who was hurt by the exchange. Candle has never done anything to hurt you and yet you lashed out at her for using your name! I hope you see how incredibly unfair you were to her when you treated her the way you did.

If you need to act out about the conflict between us, then use your words against me and not against Candle or anyone else. I can see the real you behind your words and I am not going to take your comments personally when they are a reflection of you and no one else. I am glad that Candle did not seem to give your words power either because she does not deserve to be treated that way.

DB wrote:



I don't agree with you on that Denim Blue. I have a different perspective than you. That my be your "truth" but it isn't everyone's.

I have done a lot of inner child work. I have a really good idea about how you feel about that sort of therapy. I think in your case, and this is just my opinion, for you to go back inside yourself and do inner child work terrifies you.

I tried to post a picture of ME at the age of when my Dad shoot my cat. Trust me, it would have an affect on most people seeing the little blue eyed blonde girl whose world was shattered that particular day. In the picture, my hair is kinda ragged and hacked off. I had naturally curly hair and my Mom got angry because it was just perfect for the photos that were going to be taken that day so she took out the scissors and hacked it off.

I spent most of my teens, twenties and even early thirties angry with my parents. I wrote letter after letter only to tear them up. I've worked with at least three T's on my injured inner child. (And I thank gawd that I have siblings who are witnesses to what our parents did.)

In working on ME, myself, my inner child, I learned how to nurture myself. That I wasn't that little girl anymore. That I was an adult. I learned how to reconcile what my parents did to me. How to forgive them. Both had PD's. So do I. I cut them both a lot of slack. Being a mother myself, I have a much better idea of the stress my Mom had to deal with. Being a witness to what she went through with my Dad, I have a better understanding of her. Knowing now what my Dad went through as a child; the enormous expectations his parents put on him, his Dad's legacy that he was trying as a very young man to keep together, I understand my Dad.

If inner child therapy is not your thing, fine. But it does work very effectively for others.

Perhaps, since it seems you don't relate to it or know much about it, that you may not want to post in the threads about it? Just as I don't post in the ED threads, or the cutting threads.

There is no need for me to blast those that struggle with bulimia just because I have baggage about it, right? Please don't blast others that have "inner child" issues that you may have baggage about yourself.

Fair enough?

I meant to say that my hair refused to go the way my Mom wanted it to for the pictures, so she chopped it off.

P.S. Denim Blue, right about now, your's is the nasty look on this thread.

((GH))

((smiling))

thanks for the kind words. i needed to hear them. hang in , we all will make it thru this stuff!

Yes, I am turning the tables because I am now willing to be what Jody and others here want me to be. My response to her had nothing to do with you. It is all about me being in contact with my "inner bitch" and using the past to justify bad behavior in the present. I am giving myself permission to have a meltdown and say whatever I feel like saying so I can excuse it with an apology later, once I have said what is on my mind. If you can't beat them, join them, eh?

Denim Blue~

You are causing unnecessary conflict and drama, in my opinion. Your behavior is not recovery oriented.

This is affecting ME, so can you please stop with the finger pointing and using another's past behavior to justify your own bad behavior?

Would it be okay with you if I get in touch with "my inner Bitch" and come at you? No, it wouldn't be okay with ME.

Please stop this now, Denim Blue.

Denim Blue, you are an adult. You need to stop acting out in this way. You are getting this message from many, many people. There is a reason. Stop.