BPDRecovery.com: Forums

So for quite a few years after the surgery trauma (March 2000) my life was a total chaotic mess and it was like living on a roller-coaster and every day was a case of "survival" - doing what I needed to just get through each day. Here I am 8 years later and day-to-day life is so much easier. I handle whatever comes my way with relative ease. I'm not constantly triggered and I'm no longer running on adrenalin.

I'm no longer "surviving" life, but honestly don't feel that I'm "living" it either. I feel empty and lonely a lot, and like there's a whole load of stuff missing, but I'm not really sure what. It's like I have some vague ideas about wanting to be slimmer & fitter, to complete my education, to get a better job, to get out more, to meet people and make new friends, join a club or a group, or get into more family activities, yet I struggle to meet any of those goals. I sabotage everything, partly through fear, it's all too hard; and sometimes, I really just don't know why. I was recently asked about having a purpose and I honestly have no idea how to answer that question?

It's like we strip back all of the defences, remove all of the "false self" and underneath it we find a genuine self, but that genuine self has kind of been developmentally arrested at the age of an infant, and hasn't figured out who she is yet.

I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel like I'm in limbo land. Somewhere between "surviving" and "living" and right now, for me, it's not a nice place to be. I've been pretty down and maybe even bordering on depression (I don't really know because I've never been depressed before) since my dad's visit. My closest friend seems to think the chronic pain in my hand/wrist is the main source of that depression, but I'm not so sure.

I have sabotaged my weight loss efforts (regained 5 of the 12kg lost), quit my school work, have been talking about quitting therapy. I want to quit my job (I have to drag myself there.) I stopped swimming my arm was too sore) and quit all of my walking and exercise (because of lack of daylight.) I'm not sleeping well and I've basically lost interest in life. I'm easily upset (I cry over nothing) and yeah, I really don't like this space that I'm in.

It feels like I'm constantly doing battle with myself - I can see all these things that I want, but then something inside of me sabotages them. It's like there's hesitation between leaving behind "survival" and moving into "life." Some ambivalence, maybe even some grief surrounding that - This just came into my head as I was writing and maybe this is the emptyness, lost, sad, lonely feelings - grieving the end of something to make way for the new???

Anyway, I'm rambling. Does anybody relate to this limbo land situation? How did you move past it?

Amanda,
I think what you wrote sounds a lot like me. I'm going through the same thing right now. I was struck by your sentence about not having experienced depression. You are so fortunate!!

Possibilities that come to mind are:
a. You sound like you have symptoms of depression.
b. The lack of daylight could be affecting you. That can cause depression.
c. Could there be a physical cause? Thyroid issues, lack of sleep?

I was told to try some things to find out who I was and what I like. I haven't done that yet, not really. I think I have to do one thing at a time though or I get overwhelmed since I have the regular life responsibilities like a job and house work and yard work etc. Sometimes I can try to do too much and then I can't focus.

Oooohh, I hate that phase...But you're right in some ways.

I most often get "stuck" when when I'm trying to move "forward" without letting go of the past. When I'm still hanging on to my old beliefs and behaviors even as I try to learn and do new things. It's hard to explain today...We talk a lot about "aim". Like...recovery is a journey. I want to aim "forward", into a healthier way of being. Sometimes, I find myself looking backward, aiming backward and I need to turn around. The worst is when I've moved past some significant block, grown some, and I don't know where to turn next. I tend to get confused and scared, and I will "sit down" and withdraw.

It helps me to get back up and start aiming again. Maybe i don't know what I need to learn next, but I know I don't want to go backwards. Most of the time I start focusing back on the basics - self-care, mindfulness, doing the things i need to do. Sometimes, just a few days or weeks of taking care of my immediate needs can build up enough self-confidence to boost my energy levels and get me out doing more. I'm learning how to tip that balance without going overboard - one or two new, helpful things is good. Too many is overkill and they leave me withdrawn again...

It's not easy, but the rewards are worth it. Down the road. A while later...
I can very much identify with the idea you raised. I start to take off all the old defenses and patterns that don't work for me, and I find myself exposed and unsure. The old tricks don't work for me anymore, but I'm not all that good with the new tools.

There may or may not be depression threading through all this...But I can certainly understand the discomfort and sadness you describe. It's kinda like molting - the old used up shell has to come off, but our insides are still tender and soft until we've had the time to firm up our new patterns.

It sounds like depression to me. Between the sucky employer, the physical aches & pains and the darkening, bleak weather, it's bound to get anyone down. I know I struggle when any one of those things is at play in my life.

You might check on some Seasonal Affective Disorder sites to see what they do environment-wise to combat the blahs that come with the darker skies. A friend of mine has some special lights she uses during the winder and she said they really help her a lot.


I think it's exactly what you described - a grieving process. And because it's a process, you'll move forward only when the process is complete and the past is accepted for what it was.

I had the same back-and-forth, give-and-take, forward-and-backward, up-and-down issue for a while. It was like the Genuine Self was saying "Yeah, I want all these great things" but at the time, the Wounded Child was still screaming bloody murder (or sulking profusely) and no matter what it was the Genuine Self might have really wanted, it was drowned out or set to the side.

It was only when I finally got tired of the push-pull that I just decided "It's time." I literally said to myself "It's time to shit or get off the pot. It's now or never. If I'm going to do this - any of this - the only way it's going to get done is if I do it and keep doing it even if I don't want to sometimes."

And yeah, it may sound harsh or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" in a way but honestly, when we compare an adult with a child, the adult will go to work even if they don't want to where a kid would throw a temper tantrum to avoid going to the dentist. One of the marks of adulthood, IMO, is that even if we dislike something, we still know that it needs to be done anyway and we do it.

Amanda, it seems to me you're depressed. You said you lost interest in life, you dont' sleep well, you're not exercising, you want to quit your job. From someone who knows depression very well, it sounds like that's where you're at. Please, do not leave therapy! You need it now very much!

I think it takes a lot of work and talking through to figure out where you're at and what you want. I know this may sound lame, but make a list. Write down anything you like to do. The kind of books you like to read, the movies you watch, the music you listen to. Look for a pattern. See where it takes you. Maybe you'll find a clue there. It has nothing to do with your job or your family - this is about YOU and what YOU like.

But as I said, you sound depressed and it may be difficult for you to do that right now. Are you on any medication? Do you see a pdoc? You said you're in therapy, so I hope you're discussing this with your T.

Just don't give up. Stay with therapy and talk about it. Maybe you need anti-depressants. I don't think I'm in limbo but I know about being in two different worlds. I don't know if that's the same thing. But I can sort of relate.

Hey all, You've given me some wonderful replies and I will get back to them in the next day or so. I've just finished 2 12 hour days at work and I feel done in. I felt so lousy I gave in and had a smoke today (first one in 8 months. It was nice too, but I know, not the answer!) I'm seeing my Dr tomorrow to get my monthly script for my psych meds. I intend to discuss my current low mood, the chronic pain; and such with him. Just letting you all know, I appreciate the replies and will get back to respond, after some rest.

Hope you're doing okay Amanda!!!!

Amanda,

Yes, I have gone through the same. I did experience a low-grade depression and serious lack of motivation, and am still working to gain momentum and motivate myself. I have to keep in mind that there will be ups-and-downs as I grow in recovery. I do have minor setbacks, where I feel depressed or become obsessed with something and I veer off-track for a short time period. When I realize what I am doing to myself, and I feel bad, that helps me to gain even more momentum the next time around. Right now, recovery is winning, but I might fall back sometimes, and I learn from those experiences that I want recovery more than I don't.

I also have grieved the end of a life - one that was filled with misery and pain and sick people, but at the same time, people that I could relate to and feel sorry for. I continued to be pulled back in momentarily when I would meet a new person who was there, but I don't think that will happen again. It doesn't mean I can't be around those people, it just means I have to resist the temptation to fall in with them. I think I can now, because I don't want to experience the bad after-effects more than I want to go there. It's difficult to welcome a new life that is filled with all those great things I don't know if I deserve, but I tell myself: why not me? Why shouldn't I be able to enjoy life? Why shouldn't I make a life for myself? There is no real reason not to. Whether I believe I deserve to be there or not, I don't want to be depressed and obsessed so much that I go there anyway, and that's what motivates me to keep going.

Just back from the Dr and I have identified several factors that could be causing a dip in my mood. He's not going quite so far as diagnosing depression at this stage but, definitely acknowledging the impact of some pretty heavy life issues:

1. The wrist injury, the associated pain and discomfort of having it immobilised, the "not knowing" what's happening - surgery? no surgery? How long? I am going to ring ACC (they are paying for my treatment) today to see if they can enlighten me any further.

2. My dad leaving in such a horrible way. I made the decision that if he asks to come back again, I will remind him what a bunch of "assholes" we all are, and tell him that seeing as he seems unable to protect himself from assholes and is unable to set boundaries, then I will protect him and set them for him by sparing him the ordeal of coming to visit us. I think there is some grieving and letting go to do so surrounding this. I finally given up hope of being able to have a reasonably normal, healthy relationship with my dad (very hard when they are so sick and completely in denial about it.)

3. My current work situation is a nightmare and I'm still waiting to hear back about the new job (apparently the job stops being advertised today so I should hear this week.) Knowing that my chances of getting the job are slim due to my current wrist injury and possible surgery is a putting a downer on things. I really would like to quit my current job, but for now I have reduced my hours. Kids winter sports take priority for me at this time of year and so I have removed working a 12 hour day on Saturday. I will now only be working about 18 hours per week.

4. Sleep issues arising from the pain in my arm (and wearing the uncomfortable support) alongisde weaning of my night time meds. Dr said "So now is not a good time to be cutting your meds. No problems. Let's not worry about it. Just keep taking 25mg - 50mg of Seroquel. We'll review again next month." So, hopefully I can get my sleep back on track.

5. I get frequent UTI's and sometimes I can flush it through without needing antibiotics. Have been trying to fight off a bladder irritation for about 10 days now by using OTC preparations and drinking loads of water. It's obviously persisting, so I gave in and let Dr give me a course of antibiotics today. Running a low grade fever obviously wouldn't help.

So, I've identified some life circumstances that are upsetting. Alongside the ambivalence I'm experiencing about quitting therapy. I think because I can manage day to day, what life throws me without needing any input from my T that I'm "too well" to be in therapy. Yet at the same time, I don't feel well enough to leave because like I said "I'm not exactly living life either." I feel like I'm stuck between the two worlds. Maybe this is good enough reason to continue with therapy. ALthough I'm not in crises, it doesn't mean I am well enough to not continue to need therapeutic assistance. I guess I've got to give myself permission to feel ok about continuing to see her.



It sounds like you really can relate to this place I'm in. The aim is to go forward, but I find myself reverting back, because forward is so scary and unknown. I also related to what you said about a major breakthrough, leaving one thinking "where to now?" I like what you suggested about getting back to basics - self-care stuff. I don't have to go forward. I don't have to go backwards. I can just sit with whatever is happening in this moment and take care of myself. Thanks Minx. Appreciate your post.

Ash - Thanks for posting all of those inspirational quotes. Another one I like (I used to have it as my signature line) that my T gave me is : "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage - Anais Nin."

BG - I don't think it is a lame idea at all to write out some lists of things that I like to do, or would like to do and then slowly one by one, tackling them.

I had a really interesting dream the night before last, where I discovered a new room in my home. There was a huge communal showering area (it didn't look like a gym showering room) but a beautifully, tastefully decorated family bathhroom. One gross bit was seeing my father naked in the shower and his privates where the size of a little babies (I think represents that way I see him in waking life - he's like a kid.) It didn't disturb me at all, I just let it go. There was another part to the room and I found myself amidst a ton of embroidery cotton and other materials. There were several piles of folded laundry belonging to my family and another whole pile that was unfolded & dirty, in the basket. There were shelves and shelves of puzzles and games. SOme puzzles that had been completed in one pile and the one's that weren't in another.

I think this dream is a pretty accurate depiction of my life ATM. I'm letting my dad - the big kid, go. The communal bathing area, suggesting to me that more time with my family and more family interaction is something that needs addressing. The piles of unfolded laundry - the dirty laundry I still need to air, the folded stuff, representing all that has been sorted. SiImilar vein with the jigsaw puzzles, but added is the fact that for many years I was addicted to doing jigsaw puzzles (I used to do a 1000 piece puzzle in 2 days) - it was what helped me to get through the day when I was in constant internal turmoil and couldn't cope with external stuff as well. I wonder if seeing the puzzles is a representation of some hobby that I need to get back to, although it would no longer serve the same "numbing out" purpose. The embroidery cotton - reminded me of the cross-stitch that I used to do - it was another coping strategy and I have since given it up and left a work half-completed. The games and stuff, representing family time - more playing together. I think this dream is kind of acknowledging the letting go off the past and showing me that some of that past can still be in my future but in a new light.

Ok, sorry for rambling and detouring but it was such a profound dream and I still have the images clear in my head as the alarm woke me - mid way through.

Aqua - Thankyou for sharing. It does help to know that others have been here and can relate to it.