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Hi all, I feel a long way down the road of therapy,and I guess have made many steps forward (sometimes hard to know hey?, and also still feel rotten inside, even though my behaviour has changed so much?)

anyway. When I look back on my life from about five years ago and back, I see lots of narcissism in my behaviour. This really haunts me as if you research it, there seems to be no hope of changing this. I do beleive in lots of ways I do not act this way any more, but another part of me is saying its incurable. I have times of being obsessed with my own thoughts, and also find it hard these days to contact my feelings, good or bad.

does anyone recognise their narcissism, and has anyone, with or without therapy lessened it? also can anyone recommend good reading books, exercises etc that can help?

thanks all.

Hi there,
I just logged on for the first time and your post really hit me as too familiar to my own thinking. Guess we are forced to be narcissistic since most of us did not get the attention/love/security/or whatever when growing up and had to take care of ourselves as good as we could. I find myself navigating through life only with my mind, brainpower and intellekt is all, no emotions, too dangerous, will hurt me. Yes, we can change behavior, to our advantage of course, feeling it and not thinking it is another matter. I have learned to wear a mask and say and do what is expected and life has only become more complicated. So I am now also walking on egg shells, just in a different way than those around me. I hear you loud and clear and always wonder: how do you change feelings and thought processes so that this new path becomes part of you and not just going through a manual??
dramaqueen in WA

A couple years back, at the beginning of my serious recovery work...(age 60 at the time) I was working intently on mindfulness as part of DBT work and some stuff from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. What a happy accident.

I've always been a ruminator. Lived with my thoughts day and night. Rehearsed and rewrote scenes I wasn't happy about or was anxious about in the future. It was a great treat to get to talk to somebody else so I could quit listening to myself think.

Adding to that my typical defense mechanisms involved instantly shifting my thoughts into a self preservation mode of some kind. At times it got to be pretty dang noisy in there.

To be honest, I thought the DBT mindfulness exercises were pretty elementary and no match for a sophisticated smartypants like myself. But I tried a couple and liked how they worked. Just observing and describing stuff around me, avoiding any kind of reasoning or judgment about them. So long as the emotions will allow that, of course. They go away on observation too, but it can be tricky to be observing both at once. Tricky, but possible.

After practicing this stuff several times a day for a couple months, I moved on to trying it with thoughts and emotions. Somewhat trickier. Actually, a LOT trickier! Why? Because as Tolle' suggests, what Ego hates most is being exposed for what it is. So I'd start observing a thought and damn if it wouldn't run away so I couldn't see it. I was pretty disappointed, thinking I was failing at this part of the work, when I realized the ruminating had stopped. Holy crap!!! It took some doing to get my thoughts to allow me into their room in my mind, but it happened. Now we have little parties all the time. Usually I don't need to work on them this way anymore, but when I do, it's quick and easy to get them gone and pay attention to others' thoughts as an alternative.

jake, there is narcissitic behavior traits and there is a true narcissist.

first, you must check the diff. a true N will not usually be asking what you are asking. nor want help.

i think begin by noting each behavior you feel might be narcissistic and why you have it, and how it might be changed into a positive trait.

can you think of any?

that is how you change habits or thought processes. it is inner child work . im a huge believer in that, because it works for me. children are born narcissitic and grow out of it in stages.

true Ns are incurable. maybe with many years, it can be changed.

traits are just that, traits that worked as a child and we kept em. as adults, they dont work so well.

are you empathetic? can you empathize if you see someone hurt or bleeding? feel their pain over a house fire? care about another--truly care? not mind if someone else eats the last cookie you were saving for you?

my H is a N. my mom was. they stick out like a sore thumb, believe me. very diff than having some traits.

Ns cant really feel. they say they do, but the core is blank. they only feel for another as to how much the other can feed their own false sense of self.

ibf??? doesnt a ruminator eat grass? (haha)

I am a situational narcissist. In certain stressful situations, I go into a rage or I split (disassociate). This happens when I am afraid, humiliated or rejected. I am working hard in therapy to get this under control. The rest of the time I am a very nice person. I am not a closet narcissist because my nice side is genuine in my opinion.

RainbowAlways, how does raging or dissociating make you a situational narcissist? I have not heard of this before.

i guess i didnt follow that either. the only time Ns rage is when they dont get their way. (well, usually)

what is situational narcissism?