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Bordergirl, I read your post just now. I can relate about being in 2 different worlds.

I have had a ton going on and can't (or didn't think) I can handle it. My therapist and I seemed to butt heads again on Friday and Monday. I was thinking of suicidal stuff and self harming before i went to see my T on Monday. I tried so many things on my list of coping skills, but nothing was helping me. by the end of the session, I felt worse. My T was so frustrated with me.

anyway, i don't want to get into all that was said on either behalf because that's not the point. But, I left feeling like I had plans. It scared me. I called the local crisis hotline. Then I called my T back a few more times which frustrated him more. He accused me of making threats. So finally I got his voicemail (he kept answering the darn phone!) and asked him to call me and it was very important and I felt I could not leave the info on the voice mail. I wanted to tell him that my threats were real.....not just threats. Well, he called me at 6 pm last night. It might have been the best thing that could have happened.

I am very sensitive to others' energy changing around me. I sensed something was wrong with my T but he kept telling me that his frustrations werent' about me. But why were they coming out at me? So anyway, my T was very open with me and he was quiet when I told him that I was feeling like self harming for real and I was upset that he thought I was making threats to him about it. Come to find out, his friend (also a T who he rents an office from) passed away on monday. its a long story and complicated as to how I found out about the T's illness anyway, but this other T was cool. She didn't know me but she always was kind to me and my husband. Sometimes I would hang out at the office and curl up on the couch with my blanket and snooze til I was safe enough to leave. she would walk by and say with a smile 'that's what I like to see........people comfortable in my office!" she provided snacks to all the clients in her agency and offered some to us too even though my T is not part of her agency. so I was very sad for my T and because of her clients and stuff. I know I will miss her and I didn't even know her.

so anyway, the good part was that my T told me that he needed me to be safe for the night and today. He needed to go back out of state for this. he said that he would help me today if i needed it, but he really needed me to do everything I could to stay safe and not self harm. He was not begging but he was emphasizing something that just hit home to me and touched me. He said 3 times over and over 'Roo (well he used my first name), Please please do not do anything at all to self harm. Please. I need you to do this for me. Just get through til Wednesday. We will talk then and it will be ok'. I cried so hard. it touched me and i also was sad for him. He said he would apologize to me when he could think. there's more to the 'meat of the story' but that's not important right now. I know what he means. but the passing of his friend also reminded me of my deep sadness of my losing my grandfather.

so I went and called the crisis hotline again after talking to my T. we agreed that I would go for an assessment just for extra support. by the time I got there, I was much better. i could articulate what my skills were and so on. we came up with a plan. I got through the night but I cried myself to sleep. i felt sad for my T and for the clients and stuff of the other T. I felt sad for myself. I pulled it together for me and my T and I did it! I also wrote a little poem for my T's friend and I called my T's cell phone (that's available to his clients for after hours) and I just left a message saying that I had written a poem for him and I wanted to read it to him so that he could hear it before he left the state to go to be with friends and family. I cried through it all and I hope it didn't sound like a childish poem but it was from the heart. I finally slept last night for the first full night in about 3 weeks. I needed the complete night's rest. the rest is for another post. thank you for reading this. i guess this was more of just me journaling and telling you all about how I got through a crisis too.

Roo

Roo, your story really touched me! I'm glad your T explained why he had been so frustrated. I'm also glad that he "reached" you and you are taking care of yourself. One of the reasons I don't hurt myself is because of my T(among other things). I know how disappointed in me he would be.

You also have been a support to your T! You reached out to him in his time of crisis. That's absolutely wonderful. I hope you realize it. You helped him as much as he helped you. That's a gift and I'm sure he will always remember it. You obviously have a lot to offer and you see that you do have an impact on people!

I'm glad you're feeling better. We all have to do what we can to hang in there and get through the difficult times. Take care of yourself!!!!