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My friend, who was ignoring me, and who said she felt uncomfortable around me but didn't know why, is still ignoring me and shunning me.

I haven't made any contact with her at all since the last time I called, but we have run into each other at social events. She turns around and walks the other way when she sees me, or talks to our mutual friends, but not to me. She doesn't make eye contact. It is as though I don't even exist to her anymore. I still have no idea, other than her saying she felt uncomfortable, about what's going on.

It is still hurting me a lot. I feel like I'm being publicly ostracized. I've gone over the friendship time after time in my head, and I really don't think I did or said anything to cause her discomfort. I was a really good friend to her. I am pretty sure this is all her stuff, but it still hurts tremendously to be shut out of a friend's life so suddenly without a real explanation. I know there isn't anything I can do to fix this. It's over. I am having a hard timing accepting it's the end of the friendship.

I'm trying my best to just move on, but it is really hard for me. I really miss my friend. I'm feeling sad about it tonight.

I wanted to add, that this is very much like a sudden breakup to me. She and I were very close, and talked often, had lunches, emailed, exchanged gifts, etc, with each other. I knew more about her than her own partner does. I was closer to her than I am to my other friends. I am single, and so suddenly, I feel very alone.

I have been grieving the loss, but there's this part of me that wants to hold on, and believe she will come back into my life. False hope maybe. I don't know.

20 years ago I was pretty close friends with a fellow I worked with. We were in the same department and sat in neighboring cubes. And then the friendship went sour and he stopped speaking to me. It was awful -- he would turn up his nose if we passed in the hallway, and the only way he'd "talk" to me about work topics was by writing me a memo (this was before corporate e-mail!) and copying the boss.

It hurt for a long time, because I had valued the friendship and missed it. But after a while I started to get really ticked off by his behavior, because even though my behavior contributed to our friendship's end (as did his), I didn't deserve his punishment. I also started to realize that this spiteful, resentful, and back-biting behavior was always a part of him, and that I was seeing it now that he was no longer benefiting from our friendship.

Anyway, I know it hurts. Hang in there.

jim

I can add to what Jim said here too. I had a "break-up" with a friend last year. She did tell me why, but it still hurt. But I too, realized I didn't really do anything terrible to deserve the treatment she gave me. She didn't shun me in public, but she had said some really mean things to me. And I recently learned that she is "talking" about me to other people.

I learned that I had to Radically Accept the situation. I can't change it. I don't want to change it anymore, anyway. I see that this is the way things are. I would not grovel or lose respect for myself by running after her. It WAS a very difficult process for me. When I saw her at first, I would get anxiety attacks. But that has passed and I am over that. It just takes time.

I guess my suggestion would be to nurture your other friendships and activities and try not to second-guess what caused her change in behavior. You may never know. Just focus on yourself. With time, the pain will ease up.

I have been having panic attacks when I see her. I've had a couple of really bad ones, others have noticed me shaking.

How long was it before that passed?

this has got me thinking, and I'm wondering if that is part of it, maybe a big part of what has happened

Maybe she simply doesn't need me anymore? She used to say, quite often actually, how much she needed me in her life, how much she valued having me in her life. She confided in me a great deal. I know things about her that no one else knows. She didn't have anyone else to talk to about certain things. When her therapist wasn't available, she'd turn to me. She only saw her therapist about once a month, if that.

It didn't take very long to go away. What happened was that on Christmas Eve, my H and I were going out to dinner with some friends. My ex-friend wanted to go with us, so the other friend said okay. I was sort of railroaded into allowing her to come. So she ended up sitting next to me. I was fine. But later I got angry because I realized she was just using all of us because she didnt' want to be alone Christmas Eve. Then a few weeks ago I found out she's been talking about me and I didn't like that. I know I have no control over it, but that doesn't mean I am happy about it. So now I just don't want to have anything to do with her. So I don't get anxiety attacks anymore. I think I had the first one because I was seeing her after not seeing her for a long time and I didn't know how I'd react. I think it'll just take a little bit of time for you. Just start thinking about yourself and taking care of yourself.

I'm not there yet. I still have hope that she'll choose to communicate with me. Maybe that hope will lessen with time.

I don't understand how people can so easily walk away. It just doesn't make any sense to me. There is no logical explanation.

No, there is no logical explanation. Doesn't make sense to me either. I just have to think that there are things going on with your friend that you don't know about. That really might have nothing to do with you. You don't know for sure. I know it hurts, but who knows what could have happened with her? I hope things get straightened out for you!

It sounds like when there's a problem in a relationship, the only tool this woman has that she can use to cope with the problem is to act like a snotty sixth grader. Unfortunately people can't expand their repertoire of tools unless they seek out and master new tools. If she thinks this sixth grader routine is working for her, then she'll continue to use that tool. It can be hard when someone who can act in a mature fashion when things are going well pulls out a tool like this when there's a problem.

Being objective about how this is entirely her issue might make it a little easier to detach and not take it personally, though I can imagine how difficult that is when you're all there and she's acting like this.

This makes so much sense! Thanks for this!

I think she does need to seek and master new tools, and also needs to muster the courage to actually use them!

I just want to note, that it truly may be nothing you did, or nothing you did wrong. A person may be uncomfortable with someone else for their own reasons, that have little or nothing to do with that person. One is example is that person reminds them of someone else.

Another thing I've come to realize is that, if someone one is bothered by something I did, and they in anyway convey to me what it was I did that bothered them, then it's just not my issue. I can't do anything about it. It's their stuff. If I know what I did that bothered, then, well, I can choose whether it's an issue for me to deal with or not. But if I don't know, that's it's just not my stuff as much as if it didn't involve me at all.

People generally don't do this until and unless the pain of doing things the old way outweighs the discomfort of learning and using new tools. Unfortunately this varies by individual, and there is almost nothing external that can "force" a person to change. Some people go their whole lives using very dysfunctional tools because somehow, in some way, it works for them.

Something that I've learned about friendships is that they can come and go, for multiple reasons.

I remember having a good friend in uni. who just disappeared on me; he moved out of his place without saying goodbye. The years went by afterwards, and then I tracked him down online. He apologized to me for having been such a jerk, and we reconnected like it was the old times again.

Then, a few years later, we both realized that the friendship really wasn't the same, and that we weren't as close as we had both believed. Sadly, I realized that I'd been making the friendship out to be something greater than was (thanks to BDP thinking).

So, we unceremoniously lost contact with one another again, but I really wasn't hurt, and I doubt that he was either.

I learned a lot about myself during that experience, which is the one thing that I'd like to pass on to you, apple: all anyone can ever do in any relationship, even the ones that are, or that we believe to be important, is take care of our half of things. You probably know this already, but we can't control what others think, do, say or believe. I think we all deserve explanations from people that we know and are close to when we think that they've been unfair to us; I know that I'd give one to someone else if they wanted one from me. But, sometimes, we don't get one, and it doesn't have anything to do with us. Like a lot of people with BDP, I know that I'm more sensitive than other people, so things like you've experienced with your friend can hurt me, too, but not like they used to; I've learned too much while on the road to recovery to be easily blown over. Most people aren't as sensitive as me, or perhaps you. I've learned that lesson well too.

Anyway, whether your friend is being fare to you or not doesn't change what I consider one the "house rules" of being a human being: you are only responsible for one person: you.

Hope you feel better

-KT

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. Two years ago I lost a friendship that was really dear to me. My end came with snarky comments and being continuously blown off. It hurt very bad and now I'm just angry. I feel really used but I'm where I want to get some closure and move on.
I asked a psychologist (I live in his basement so it's not real treatment) and his advice is kind of helping. Maybe it will be of use to you.
He told me to imagine that the person died (or if I'm not there yet that they have a terminal illness). Write a brutally honest eulogy (sp) and really allow myself to grieve the death of the friendship.
I know it sounds morbid but it has helped me get a sense of permanence. That it's really gone and over.
That's my free advice and is worth what I paid for it.