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This came up in another thread, but I'm starting a new thread because this isn't specifically in response to the person who brought it up. My thoughts, with related recent experiences.

The idea was wanting to feel loved. Ash said this has to come from within. I shared my own experience that illustrated this.

It's like, with a certain person I know, where I'd been getting mixed messages, it's like, I had this recent realization, he loves me. (In the caring, thinking possitively, basic attitude towards another sense.) It wasn't a response to anything new he'd done. I hadn't recently interacted with him. It was something else, unconnected with him, that inspired this realization. His loving me is his stuff. But my realizing it, being aware of it, that's my stuff.

Next step, just last night, I was realizing, that feeling that he's loves me, I feel like, that's his perspective, how he sees me. But I was also feeling like he doesn't acknowledge parts of me. Again, mixed messages fit in. Like, I feel/sense/think that his feelings and attitude toward me is love, but I wasn't feeling like he saw accepted and loved this deep part of me. Definitely a feeling thing there rather than a thinking thing. Despite viewing him as loving me, still feeling unloved, in some sense.

Again, a realization that came just out of my own thinking. That he sees and accepts this part of me (I've been open enough for him to see it), but there's a limit to how far he'll acknowledge it.

Again, my own perceptions affect seeing this person as loving me or not, as accepting me or not. Him loving me doesn't automatically translate into feeling loved, for feeling he loves me. I have to first be able to see and accept that. Which is about me, not him. My perspective can pretty drastically change without him doing anything at all.

But, thinking about this, I'll all too aware that my perception, my feeling he loves me or not, that's about me, but, still, ultimately, him loving me or not is his stuff. It's not about me. I appreciate being love. But, ultimately, my selfworth doesn't rest on that.

What my selfworth ties into is not feeling loved, but feeling loveable. Which is all about me, and how I see myself. Someone loving me can help me to realize that I am loveable. But only if I'm first able to see and accept that they love me. But, ultimately, self esteem rests on not needing that constant proof. One person (or even more) not loving me doesn't mean I'm not lovable.

Thankfully, feeling loveable has not been an issue for me recently. It used to be, once upon a time.

Feeling loved and feeling loveable, both rest on me. Feeling loveable is about my attitude towards myself. Feeling loved is about my attitude towards others, and what I see in their interactions with me. I think they can interrelate. Feeling loved can help me feel loveable. Feeling loveable makes me more likely to see others as loving me. Still, two different things. I can feel lovable whether or not there's someone there for me to see as loving me, or even in the face of someone who, it seems, doesn't love me.

One more bit. On how it makes a difference.

Feeling like someone loves me, how that makes a difference is in the relationship. As far as individually, it's their stuff, not mine. My lovability doesn't rest on them.

But, from realizing this person loves me I'm comfortable with him noticing me. It feels safe in a way that it didn't before.

And realizing that he accepts me, including those deep down feeling parts, makes me more comfortable with interacting with him. It interrelates with boundaries here. Basically, I know it's okay to be open with him, but accept his limits on openness. I can be me, balanced with acceptable limits. But those limits don't mean pretending not to feel what I do, or feeling like I have to hide it.

So, how I see another as seeing me, my sense of if and how much they like and/or love me affects how I feel about the relationship. But it doesn't have to affect my sense of self.