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sometimes i doubt myself and feel afraid that i am somehow hallucinating my problems. i can be very high functioning for months at a time-others can't understand how hard it is for me to do the most simple things when i am anxious/depressed.
but there's this eternal voice in my head that every once and a while tells me there is nothing wrong with me, that i am just misbehaving and trying to get away with being lazy and self-centered.
does anyone else experience this, and if so-what has helped you come to accept that there is something wrong? or, is it possible that all the panic attacks and fear and scattered thinking and sleeping problems could be easily fixed if i just forgot about them?

Well, I can see from this post why Crystal might be crying. IMO Crystal seems a bit heavy handed with her judgments and labels about herself. She's set it up so that no matter what she does she's doing something wrong. Canyou give Crystal a fighting chance?

So it looks like you believe that no matter what you're doing, you're either doing something "wrong".. (misbehaving... getting away with... being lazy... being self-centered).. OR... there is something "wrong" with you that is causing you to do things this way.
Please see "Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking", items 8, 9, and 10.

I believe you have plenty of company here with this kind of thinking.

Perhaps a beginning would be to accept that the behavior pattern exists... and that there is no particular moral judgment to it. If the behaviors are effective and nobody gets hurt... then fine, no need to change. If they are not effective or if somebody gets hurt, then you have some changes to make. Some different choices among possible behaviors and reactions. "Easily" fixed? I dunno about easy, that's another judgment that depends on what's easy or difficult for you. Can you make changes that leave you and those you love feeling better? Yep. Some very effective tools are to be found here. There are many others. You can be who you want to be.

So what are the "good" "not wrong" and "right" things about Crystal and her values, thinking and behavior patterns?

Hi Crystal,

I like IBF's post to you. The judgment is such an enemy.

But in answer to your question:



I can only really tell you about my experience, and I don't tend to suffer from severe anxiety. I do however suffer from long term chronic depression and am very familiar with sleeping problems related to depression.

It strikes me that very few problems are solved by forgetting about them. I can see it might be destructive to obsess about them, but somewhere in between seems to lie a balanced resolution. I find that I sleep like a baby when my mind is uncluttered and I am feeling centred. That's pretty rare! But two techniques I've used to get to that state are:

1. Journaling

There is such a divine power to journaling your thoughts. Just getting them down on paper. You don't have to solve anything. Your journal won't be read by anyone so it doesn't have to be well written with correct spelling and grammar. It doesn't matter if you write the most contraversial things in the world bc no-one's reading it but you. I like to think of my journal as a bit of a garbage dump where I spew off the vitriol and negative feelings that clutter my mind. I can tell the uncensored truth in my diary bc no-one else will read it to pass judgment on it (except me). And when you go back in months and especially years to read over your thoughts, it's very plain to see how your perspective has changed, how you've grown and where you haven't. It's very clear after a couple of weeks how a perspective may be distorted and how those perspectives and perceptions aren't set in stone. This experience tells me that how I see things right now is subject to change depending upon my state of mind. It tells me that when I feel overwhelmed with negativity that the world or my circumstances aren't necessarily negative. It's my perspective that's negative.

2. Meditation and Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about being in the moment and observing yourself and the world without judgment. You can do it as you move through your day. It may take the shape of something like this: "Step, step step, knees brushing together. Denim against my legs moves with my stride. Breeze on my cheeks and ankles. A woman with red hair walking towards me. She has very bright lipstick and smiles exposing lipstick teeth. A feeling of repulsion inside me. The feeling is a cold spot in my stomach radiating shudders throughout my torso. It's gone. Now my stomach feels warm. Step step step, leaves rustling in the wind. Leaves moving. Every single one of them moving. Sunlight behind making the leaves a silhouetted shadow. Sunlight behind is golden. Breath on my upper lip feels cool."

Meditation brings you to a different level of consciousness. In this state you don't need to do anything at all. Gently bringing your attention back to your breath. Never pushing thoughts aside, just acknowledging them and drawing the focus back to your breath.

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I imagine that these techniques will help with your anxiety. Especially number 2.