The end of last week I recieved a call from my Bishop telling me he 'knew a guy' that had a place to rent and that I'll be getting an email with a application that I needed to fax out that day.
Kind of funny how the help I've recieved from the men end of the church feel like a scene out of Godfather with my Bishop as Marlon Brando. I'm totally connected with the Mormon MAFIA
I'm taking a look at the place Monday. Saturday when I got the address I went out and looked at the outside. It met my requirements of a door and a roof but it's actually a nice place. It'll be right in my price range and not too far out of my way. The down side is that it's only for six months (better than under a bridge), it's a house (I'm not responsible enough for one of those), and Excelsior is kind of like what French Lick is to Indiana (small resort town). Plus side I can afford it and it's a place to stay.
While I do want my own place, space, responsibility, and such. I'm terrified to be on my own. I have no real family up here (an Uncle on my bioF side but we've know each other for a year), it's still a new place (I don't feel like a real MN girl yet, whatever that means), uncertainty about my future has lead to some really sick black and white thinking.
Poor choices have led me to act out in my bottom line addictive behaviours. My panic attacks and insomnia have come back with a vengence. Just not a good time.
I know a lot of it is that I don't embrace change very well, even if it's for the better. Everything is so up in the air and all I want is something permanent. Not just for me but for my kids. I've tried to shield them the best that I could but they ask when are we going home. In all of this they haven't wanted for food, a place to sleep, or had a break in the things they do (church, scouts, school)
While I love my Ward, Stake, and the Church with all my heart, I just feel really alone and scared. Nothing is for certain right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.