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The end of last week I recieved a call from my Bishop telling me he 'knew a guy' that had a place to rent and that I'll be getting an email with a application that I needed to fax out that day.
Kind of funny how the help I've recieved from the men end of the church feel like a scene out of Godfather with my Bishop as Marlon Brando. I'm totally connected with the Mormon MAFIA
I'm taking a look at the place Monday. Saturday when I got the address I went out and looked at the outside. It met my requirements of a door and a roof but it's actually a nice place. It'll be right in my price range and not too far out of my way. The down side is that it's only for six months (better than under a bridge), it's a house (I'm not responsible enough for one of those), and Excelsior is kind of like what French Lick is to Indiana (small resort town). Plus side I can afford it and it's a place to stay.
While I do want my own place, space, responsibility, and such. I'm terrified to be on my own. I have no real family up here (an Uncle on my bioF side but we've know each other for a year), it's still a new place (I don't feel like a real MN girl yet, whatever that means), uncertainty about my future has lead to some really sick black and white thinking.
Poor choices have led me to act out in my bottom line addictive behaviours. My panic attacks and insomnia have come back with a vengence. Just not a good time.
I know a lot of it is that I don't embrace change very well, even if it's for the better. Everything is so up in the air and all I want is something permanent. Not just for me but for my kids. I've tried to shield them the best that I could but they ask when are we going home. In all of this they haven't wanted for food, a place to sleep, or had a break in the things they do (church, scouts, school)
While I love my Ward, Stake, and the Church with all my heart, I just feel really alone and scared. Nothing is for certain right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Congrats on the housing lead!
You're right when you speak of "good change" still being CHANGE! I can find myself "stuck" very easily because I can be very afraid of change. Even if I don't like what I've got, I'd have to CHANGE to make any difference. That can be really hard to do...But it CAN be worth it.

You say you aren't responsible enough for a house. Can I ask what part of that scares you? I live by myself and I've found that I'm not really ready for all that responsibility, so I've made connections with people in my neighborhood who can help me out. In my situation, I have more money than either sense or time, so I pay a guy up the street to mow my lawn and I pay the lady next door to help me with housekeeping. I see lots of barter going on through the whole neighborhood so it's possible to get help without money. I don't know what sort of special skills you might have (everyone has something!) but maybe you have something you could trade with friends or neighbors to get some help with your weak spots. Like...I don't know...maybe you could babysit for one of the ladies in trade for some housework, or run errands for people, or cook dinner every now and again. And as you settle in a little, you might even find that you know how to do more than you think you do!

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. Sounds like the stress has given you a chance to gain more experience...I'm not trying to make light. We learn more about ourselves from the rough times - we learn what we want, what we don't want, what works for us and what doesn't. I'm sorry to hear that your addiction is leaking out, but I can also understand that. Addictions are coping mechanisms twisted out of control, and when things get rough, we try to cope. Sometimes we do it in healthy ways, and sometimes those old coping skills take over. It's a process, it's learning. At least you can identify it now - there was probably a time when you couldn't see it as clearly. So you're learning, and that counts.

One day at a time...and just do the best you can do for that one day. Some days will be better than others, but if you keep aiming ahead, you can get there.

We went and saw the house, my oldest son (8 gonin' on 30), a friend of mine (to ask the smart questions), and I. It's pretty nice on the inside, we'll be moving this Saturday.
Well, what I mean by not responsible enough is... Well, ok I lived in this one place for about six months and almost imediately after I moved out a friend of mine moved in. I thought I took really good care of it and cleaned it up to the best of my ability. However my friend started to replace light sockets, cleaned stuff I never thought of, and basically all kinds of stuff that just made me feel like crap that I didn't do. I mentioned it to him one and he said something to the effect of 'well I've owned a house before so I know what to look for'. So it's not so much a lack of ability as it is knowledge about the upkeep of a house vs. an apartment.
If I'm really stuck I do have people in my ward that could give me hand. Worse comes to worse I can always ask the missionaries to give me a hand, although I don't really like doing that. Not really thier job, although the ones that are here now really wouldn't mind.

As far as my addictions go. The husband in the family I'm staying with is (I guess, he keeps asking me about it) worried about me after I move out. So I'm formulating a plan.
Which mostly consists of having a solid routine.
On our way back from the house I started to freak out (anxiety problems). That turned into a all out panic attack. So I'm trying to maintain, even with good news.