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I often find myself irrationally irritable toward my Significant Other, while I can somewhat manage my irritabilty toward others. I wonder why this is. Things like being just a few moments late completely set me off, to the point where I tell him to just forget whatever plans were in the works, turn around, go home, nevermind.
How do you manage your irritability? I recognize that I am unfairly harsh, but I can't seem to make my emotional reaction match up with that recognition of being irrational.

I think recognizing it is a first step. Then you need to ask yourself if you are being fair to him. I find myself feeling irritable towards my H as well sometimes. And I have to do what my T calls a "reality check." Ask yourself if what you are doing/feeling is justified, or do you just want to get your way?

I have my own little way of doing things and expect things in my house to be a certain way. For instance, we have a table in the hall outside our bedroom. My H will put dishes on it so he can take them to the kitchen the next time he goes downstairs. I have a problem with this. I hate having him leaving stuff on this table. But really, is it the worst thing in the world? But I move his dishes back into his office, he gets mad at me and we get into an argument.

How necessary is this? What's the big deal about him leaving the dishes there for a few hours while we're sleeping? Like right now I saw two dishes on the table. I'm trying to be rational and not get upset with him. So I have to talk to myself and say it's not so bad. It's just me wanting things a certain way. Well heck, it's his house too!

So it's stuff like that. I find that I have to constantly talk to myself and try to be rational. That's my take on this.

Thanks for the example. That's EXACTLY the kind of stuff I'm talking about!
I see what you are saying; the earth is not going to stop turning because my BF is late, or because your H leaves dishes on the table.

But the emotional feeling is totally OUT OF PROPORTION to the insult! And even though I can usually stop and see that, I'm still pissy as heck. I'm thinking it must come down to control. My need to control is ridiculous. But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I need to control so badly!

I don't know why you need control either. Heck, I don't know why I need control. Have you spoken to your T about this? Maybe he/she could give you some tips.

I think we tend to want control because it makes us feel safe. It may not actually make us safer, but yet we feel safer.

When I struggle for the upper hand, I think it's usually because I feel someone else is trying to control *me* - whether they actually are or not.

Or... generally, when circumstances feel beyond my control, I seem to grasp for it wherever and from whomever is within reach, even though intellectually I know it probably won't change the Big Picture.

Yeah, a sense of safety may have something to do with it.


~ jr

When, as children, our environment is out of control, and our safety and comfort depend on outside factors, for instance whether a day is good or not depending on whether dad's drunk or mom is angry, we can grow into adults who attempt, out of fear, to control people and situations so that we don't feel that way anymore. With SOs, this can also come in the form of, "If you loved me, you would not be ten minutes late." What I've had to do is replace that story in my mind. If my BF is late, there are a dozen possible reasons why, none of them having to do with him "proving he doesn't love me." It has taken me time and practice to get to the point where that has trickled down to the feeling level, so that I'm not expressing anxiety via irritation.

Thanks for this information. I never looked at it as a form of control. I do like my world to have some "order." I have this not-quite-rational idea of how I want things to be in my house. And if anyone (e.g. my H) messes it up, I get crazy. What I have to do is let go of these expectations. It's so hard for me to do that. But I also have to remember that it's his house too and he lives here. It's not just mine.

I have done the same in the past. I believe that we have gone through periods where each struggles to get their needs met and be heard. I have had to turn my thoughts to understand that he really does do his best, and every "flaw" I see is not a threat and an attempt to control. I am now able to attempt to show him his issues and work to change them, rather than assuming that he knows they exist and his intent is to manipulate. I think I am irritable because 1) I have a problem with anxiety and I haven't gotten to the point where I could manage it well, 2) I viewed a lot of his actions as threatening, which was assuming he meant to be, 3) I allowed myself to be irritable because he was a safe outlet for my hostility and hatred which built up over the years.



I see this as a form of twisted thinking:

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

I think you could also assess his lateness:

Is he habitually late? Or is he usually on time? Does he do a lot of things that don't meet your expectations for what you want in an SO?


One thing I do is make it a point not to be harsh. No matter what happens, I try to remain in a good mood. And if that takes going back later and assessing the situation to see what could be improved on his or my side, then that's what I do. It's not fair for him to be subjected to my hostility, and it's not being empathic or caring to him to put him in a hostile environment. I think about situations later when I have the time, then present any problems I see on his or my side and discuss what he sees. Sometimes it is a confrontation and I must put up a fight for my side, to get him to see things from my perspective. We eventually meet in the middle, but I can't say it is easy. Communication must be open and both people must be willing to make changes. Another thing to do is to record any interaction, with a tape recorder. When I go back and listen, then I can see what I sound like from a third-person standpoint. Then, if I have any points to make concerning his behavior, I have documentation to back it up so it doesn't cause any failures in understanding or communication. One word interpreted incorrectly can mean a complete communication breakdown, and the arguments can spin for hours from this.

It must be an assessment of what you are looking for in a relationship, his behaviors, and your behaviors, to find a common meeting ground. For instance, if he is habitually late and you put high-priority on time, then there would be reason for you to become irritable. So either you need to choose to learn to accept that he is always going to have problems with being late, try to change it by bringing it up to him for change (which would mean finding out why he is late - it could be that he has less priority on time than you do), or decide that you don't want a partner who is habitually late and end the relationship. It's all greys and very specific. Each situation is unique, unless the problem is that you are using any situation to take out bitterness and anger on him because he is available for that.

So I think at this point only you can truly figure out why you are irritable. Is it that he doesn't meet your expectations? Are these situations in which you are irritable a red-flag that some changes need to be made in the relationship? Is it a form of anxiety that you haven't yet managed? Are you using him as a whipping post for your anger?

I would also untwist my thinking so that I didn't think my SO being late meant a total failure.