Hi juju -
You really do have a lot going on, with big decisions to make. When you're feeling a lot of pressure to make those decisions quickly it makes it all even harder. I know when I got out of the hospital it was quite a while before I felt able to make plans or carry them out.
Are you totally unable to get individual therapy? (Sorry if you've answered that before, but I don't remember.) I think it would really help you to talk things out with somebody who's objective and supportive.
Given that you feel so panicky right now, I wouldn't rush into any big decisions. I'd go see the pdoc whenever your next appointment is, and tell her exactly what you're feeling. Hopefully by then the increased dosage on your geodon will have kicked in a little better and you won't be quite so anxious. If you are, though, tell her. You have to be totally honest with your caregivers if they are going to be able to help you. That goes for the case manager, too -- if she thinks you're high functioning but you feel like you're not, then you have to tell her what's going on.
I think it's great you want to go to grad school. Maybe it's just a little bit too soon, I don't know, with your feeling so panicky and anxious. Maybe if there's some way you can start slowly, part-time, with either work or school, it would be easier.
Take one day at a time, because if you get too caught up in thinking about the future and all the stuff that *might* happen, you can get yourself so freaked out that you're paralyzed and unable to do anything. So stay in the moment, and take baby steps, and hopefully you'll be feeling better soon.
_________________ I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner
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