BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I am anyway. I don't know if I've ever done this before here, but I'm just feeling sorry for myself. It won't last long but I just want to vent.

I saw my T today and we finished talking about the psychotic episode I had a year and a half ago. I asked him what my symptoms were as I wasn't sure what actually happened. This occurred while I was in the midst of a deep depression. He said that I was paranoid, out of touch with reality and inconsolable. I could not/would not listen to what anyone had to say to help me.

So I thought about it and it scares the pants off of me to think that I behaved that way. I know I had no control over it, but gee, that's pretty powerful stuff. And to end up in the hospital because of it.

So I know I'm fortunate that I got the help I need, etc. etc. etc. And that I'm doing better now. I just can't believe this actually happened to me. I was talking to a friend who also has BPD today and we both realized that we'v been through a lot. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got into this situation.

And I miss my T already. I just saw him today and I'm waiting for my next appointment next week. It seems like a century away. Far too long.

As I said, I know I'm doing better. I just feel bad for myself sometimes. I know I'll never be "normal" and I get angry and resentful, especially when I think about how I was when I was a young teenager and how much I suffered. You can't replay the past, and I just have today to work with. Oh, I just want to have my little pity-party right now. So I sit here saying I hate myself.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent.

My last major episode was three and a half years ago BG.

I am only sharing my story really cos perhaps you wont feel so alone. Not with the intention of diminishing your own experience at all.

I can not remember much about it at all so most of what I do know has been recanted to me. I know I was a right royal pain to those around me. Was talking rubbish that really didn't make sense I was unclear if I knew people or not...my keys to my house were at my friends house where I was entrusted for the night due to a bed shortage and a lack of a team to complete a section form. I got it in my head my friend, a good friend of a few years was keeping me, and that when I went back to hospital they were going to experiment on me. My friend thought she had left me sleeping and went to the shop only to find me gone on her return. I by this time had managed to remember where home was and couldn't get in. I knocked at a neighbours house to borrow a ladder to get into a window that wasn't open. When she asked where my keys were I apparently said they(who they are I have no idea!) were hiding them from me. Luckily they realised I really wasn't right and actually rang the police that got me admitted to a psych unit. There was no way I was going to go under my own steam....they were out to cause me harm! A while later I escaped from the unit and went fishing in a lake as in I got in the lake and was looking for something, what I have no idea? Again I was collected and returned by the police.

I can understand that that out of control feeling, not being able to remember is really not nice. I hope I never have another one I really do. So I work hard at being as well as I can in the hopes it will never happen again. Given that stress is a major factor I try not to worry too much that it will.

What can you hate yourself for, if you didn't know? BG what is "normal"?

I am glad your T is taking time to work through this with you. I think the feelings you describe around it though are completely understandable. Hope you feel better soon! That you can find something today to bring you joy!

Thanks for understanding Tracy. I was afraid no one would reply because they would be upset with me pitying myself for a little while.

My T told me that I'm "allergic to stress." I guess I was so badly stressed that I did have these breaks with reality. But it seems when I'm like that not only do I not believe it, or wouldn't believe it, but I think that whatever I'm thinking is really okay. That's what scares me.

I'm really tired today. When I'm really tired I just can't handle things and say that I hate myself just for being this way. I know it's not right to think that way, but when I'm tired I don't think straight either.

I seem to go from one extreme to the other. I do things and get engrossed in them and am "okay." But when I am back home, by myself and with just my brain thinking about things, then I sometimes fall into the habit of thinking about my emotional problems and then once in a while will feel sorry for myself and the things that have happened to me. I sometimes just get TIRED of having to work on myself so much.

Yes, my T said he is working with me to keep me from getting to that awful place again. So I get scared of it happening again, and then I get angry that it happened in the first place and that it can potentially happen again. I don't get like this very often, but that's how I feel right now.

And I wish I could see him again this week. I know I can't, but I wish I could.

To me, normal is not having to work on yourself all the time. Not worrying about whether you'll get depressed again. Not being anxious so much and thinking about all the weird things that have happened. Not having to take psychiatric medication. Not having to worry about getting overly stressed. Not dissociating and feeling out of your body. That's what normal is to me.

I'm starting to dissociate right now. I'd better stop typing for now.

Thank you for sharing what happened to you. I really appreciate it. At least I know I'm not alone.