BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am working really hard right now just to stay in the moment and not get too carried away with positive emotions. I am very excited about something that I am supposed to get in the mail. It has to be here by the end of the week, but I am just hoping it will be here today by some chance! I want to go shopping! When I get so excited about anything, I have this impulse to go spend money. Then I feel even higher.

it is just my luck that today the mailman would be late! I just want to know if what i am waiting for is coming today or not. I am waiting to buy a new vehicle and so I am just dying inside to run to the dealership and pick up my car! but I have to wait til I get this certain thing in the mail.

parts of me want to email my t and stuff but I know that my anxiety/energy will only get higher if he doesn't call me back or something. so I am trying hard to do this on my own. I know I can get through the day. I won't die because something didn't come in the mail. I might be disappointed but that is ok too. I do know that this thing will be coming to me, but I have to be patient.

I am also waiting to hear about a job. I have 3 potentials but nothing is happening. employment will just help our budget so much. I am telling myself that I have not had a job since last summer so what's the rush? one person told me she would call me by the end of the week. so what's another couple of days? I am just excited, but my T reminds me that even positive emotions like joy and excitement are dysregulated for me. I never used to think that was possible but it totally is for me.

I think the purpose of this post is just to get some stuff out and also because I am bored and needed something to do. Already used up my physical energy to do house cleaning. nothing on tv either. oh well........... thanks for letting me post here.

Roo

I know how you feel Roo. I get the same way. Last week I received a coupon from Macy's for a sale, but the sale isn't until tomorrow. Well, my H said I could go out and buy some capri pants. I need about 3 pairs. So on Monday I couldn't wait, and got all hepped up, so I went to Eddie Bauer instead. The capris weren't on sale, but they did have my size. I also bought a blouse. I do get this high from shopping! It just makes me feel so good when I find stuff I like and especially when they have my size!

I guess the thing to do is try to regulate how you feel and not get yourself too excited. I find I go from lows to highs and back again very quickly. I don't think it's very good, but that's how I seem to operate. It's good to find a balance.

Try some DBT Distraction skills. That might take your mind off of what you're waiting for. Do something else that fills your time and makes you feel good. Or try to get engrossed in a good book. And yes, it's also good to realize that maybe what you're waiting for won't come today, but it will come in time. You can do this!

thanks BG!

I decided to do a few things and work out my plans and budget for when this big event happens!

but then tonight I tweaked because my husband is just learning how to do online things with his game system. a young woman sent pics of her and he innocently said a comment but I felt like crap. I felt like her pretty body drew his attention and not me.

so I started to beat myself up over it and had low self esteem and everything. want to stop eating again to lose weight. I wanted to be in my eating disorder. but I know I can't. especially being diabetic. but I did skip dinner. I did talk to my H though about how this new stuff makes me feel. some guy uses a picture/avatar of women bent over in a thong and I told my H that was not ok to be getting. it just makes me nervous. i trust my H and i am glad he tells me what they say and stuff. i just don't like them flirting or him making comments about how nice they look. it hurt me. never been down this road before and I do not see it being a real issue but it hurt. I used to be pretty. I used to be a lot less fat and stuff. it just makes me sick. I wanted to email or call my T but I decided that I have been working on this stuff without him all week, and part of me wants to show my T I can hold out and not be so needy. but I am. its killing me inside. i want to tell him what is going on for me tonight. but I am being stubborn I guess. I just dont want to bother him. maybe he will just assume I am doing so great by not calling him or emailing him once this whole week, that I will just fly under the radar so to speak. if i tell him about wanting to restrict food and starve, it will create a whole different session on friday. what do you think? fly under the radar? not email my T or call him? or call/email and be vulnerable til friday? its just 2 more days of misery. maybe my money will come in and I will distract by paying the bills and spending money on my new car and all that excitement will over shadow how I feel right now.

I really do want to starve myself to lose 10 pounds in a week. but I also know how sick I will get. I can't even talk to my friends or anyone about this. Ironically, i meet with my dietician tomorrow because I was feeling like i am not getting in enough food during the day. but I have already decided the other day to go back to eating my safe foods and that's it. I feel like i am getting out of control with food because I am hitting real close to the calories I am supposed to get in and it freaks me out.

sorry I am so negative right now. this hasn't happened in a while for me.

Roo

Roo, when I get like this I use DBT skills. There is a sheet called Chain Analysis of Problem Behavior. I fill it out and then I go over it with my T when I see him.

I don't think you can call or e-mail your T every time you have a little setback or problem. You need to learn to deal with things on your own. That's why I like the DBT skills sheets. Do you have them?

By not eating properly, you're putting yourself in a victim mode. Do you really want to do that? Don't you want to be a strong woman, physically and emotionally? Take control of yourself? Starving isn't going to do it for you. Going into a diabetic coma won't do it either.

I'm going to send you the worksheet so you can fill it out. Copy it and save it so you can use it again and again. It will help you!

thank you bordergirl! I am feeling better actually. just a little slip up. I haven't touched base with my T since the weekend. I am just trying to get through on my own but I also am embarrassed about some of the stuff we talked about in therapy the other day so its my way of hiding. I see him tomorrow. for some reason I am backwards because when he says to call if I need him, I don't call. weird huh? when he doesn't say that to me, I feel like I have to touch base because of abandonment issues. its like when he gives me permission to touch base, I feel better but I don't feel the need to.

I have a DBT workbook but it doesn't have the chain analysis on it. thank you for sending it to me though.

I think earlier i was just feeling too insecure about myself. I met with my dietician and she is so happy with my food journal! I am doing the best she has ever seen me do in years! and I have lost 13 pounds since the fall just by eating more! go figure! My metabolism is speeding up. Our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up this month and me and my H talked to the dietician about going out to eat and she said that her only concern is my digestive symptoms. I know what I can and can't handle most of the time so she is great about it. I actually have a meal plan that I am comfortable with and I have my 'safe foods' but she is fine with it. at least I am eating every day now. and for 17 weeks, I have eaten breakfast every single day! so I feel pretty good about my appointment though. I go back in 2 months after I see the maternal fetal specialist about getting pregnant soon. they need to coordinate about my diabetes and stuff.

thanks for talking to me.

Roo

I know how you feel Roo. I get that urge quiet often. It is so hard to refrain myself from it. I know this sounds crazy but I get my gel pens or crayons and start coloring pictures out of a coloring book. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

well my T says I can email and call him all I want. its just that he can't get back to emails and stuff. I use it mostly to journal out things and then we go over it at the next session. but when he tells me to call him if i need him, I tend to not call. i am backwards. I guess its cause i fear abandonment if he doesn't tell me I can call and then I feel I need to call to keep in touch and not feel abandoned.

I think though i stumbled across the reason why I am not calling or emailing this week: I am embarrassed about some stuff we talked about regarding sexual abuse when i was younger and as an adult something almost happened, and I think that I am feeling ashamed and part of me just wants to hide from my T because I feel dirty.

I know that I realize my T has already heard stuff, but I am feeling like there is still a memory hidden and not all of it is revealed. I felt very shameful. as a child, I was very quiet and shy and after an incident happened, and I was confused, i went and hid in my closet and never told anyone until a couple of years ago. so I do a lot of hiding and I think that's more of what I am doing this week.

and I was feeling super embarrassed because I feel so bad about my body and I felt like I was not attractive to my husband. I just wanted to hide from my husband last night, but today I am feeling better about it.

roo