BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I tihnk I had mentioned somewhere this week on here that I hadn't been in touch with my T all week. I went to see him today and we started to talk about it. that's why I need to use this space now to just be able to talk and if anyone wants to jump in, that's fine. I am open to it.

but as a child, I was very very shy and was embarassed easily. After what I know now was sexual abuse, I would hide in my closet and be very afraid. My T and i both feel that not all the pieces of the puzzle are on the table so to speak. and I react to certain things and situations in very strong ways that would make one to think I was abused as a child. but honestly, I believe that the memories are pushed way way down.

now some of you know that I do Internal Family Systems work with my T and I won't get into that here. It is too complicated to explain. but anyway, I didn't dissociate or anything today in therapy which was good. I was present. but I felt like parts of me were so ashamed to tell my T on monday that I wonder if there were more times of sexual abuse than the one that I disclose. I wonder if my father was part of it. but I am so ashamed. I feel so dirty and awful. today, my t said that I was hiding physically behind pillows in his office and a blanket that I wrapped around me. I feel safer that way. I feel invisible so that no one can see me. it was ok. My T just said to be open and listen to the inner child and if she reveals something, it will be in her time, and when its safe.

5 minutes before the end of session, emotions started coming up and some stuff started to spew out. My T knew that it might have been a hint from that hurt part. He said its just like with kids.....if you say you will listen to them, they will test you and not say anything and then all of a sudden, even if the timing is 'wrong' then they want to talk. it all makes sense to me anyway. :O) I am just scared. I have told my t of things to bother me like phrases or comments that can be said very innocently but it sets me off so bad. neither he nor i want to force memories or anything or assume that more abuse happened than just the one time, but if i were on the outside looking in, or it was my friend, I would say that it is very possible that she had more than that one experience. I have told my T that I don't want to know any more than I already know. but maybe that's not fair to me. maybe that is not going to help me heal. My T said that there is validation in knowing the whole puzzle. and that somewhere I do know all of what happened to me as a child and adult...........its just suppressed.

I am just so afraid of forcing any memories out. but I also feel that stuff is trying to come to the surface.

thanks for giving me a safe place to put this out there. if anyone has anything to add or say, please feel free..........

roo

You are very brave to be willing to try!
Sometimes, I can't force myself. Even when I KNOW that I would feel better if I could talk, I just can't get to it. And the more I push, the less I can get. Like...trying to remember dreams. If it try to grasp them too tightly they fall apart and scatter. Memories and feelings are like that too sometimes. I can feel "something" but it's just out of reach, I can't touch it.

But if I sit with it, or carry on with the normal things I'm supposed to do anyways, those images will rise to the surface. All that "stuff" that needs to come out will come out when I'm "ready" (whatever that means). I joke sometimes about puking it all up, but that's what it feels like sometimes. There's this stuff inside me and it's making me sick, and then finally it just all comes pouring out, but I almost feel better after it does.

There may well be more that you've pushed away, buried deep inside. I think that's what happens to shame and fear and confusion - we shove it out of sight because when we're in it, we don't know what else to do. And eventually, if we work to feel better, it comes back up. Not complete, but fragments rise and form and we get more of the story. It usually isn't a happy story, but as we get more pieces, we understand ourselves better and more things that used to baffle us suddenly start to make sense.

It sounds like you have a very good T who understands what you're going through. He's smart to know not to push this. It's there, and whatever is there will come out eventually. You don't need to know everything right now. there's a lot of work to just feel safe and calm, and I think you're doing really well.

I forgot to tell you...
All my Ts thought I was sexually abused as a child because of the way I felt and acted as an adult, but nothing has come up yet. Plenty of problems since i was a child, but nothing like what they were looking for. Maybe I have repressed memories, maybe I don't...But the T before this one found something out that explained some of it.

The girl who was my only friend growing up WAS sexually abused and grew up in a hyper-sexual home. She's the one I turned to when I needed to learn about sex. Let's face ti, there was NO sex going on at MY house, and I KNEW my parents had no clue. But she had been having sex since she was a very little girl, and I knew she could tell me all about it. I was a kid, and I didn't understand then what a horrible thing that was. But I was a good learner and she did teach me everything she knew. So, in a way, I learned how to be an abuse victim.

I wouldn't dare compare my experience to someone who's actually been through that...but she was the only one who would talk to me about it and I believed that was what sex had to be like. I lived it through as best I could! But that T and my T now think that explains how I could have all the beliefs and the actions and the feelings without having any memories at all.

Maybe there's more memories for you or maybe there aren't. just don't push and be kind to yourself. That scared, afraid little girl you are...I would send lots of hugs if I could get them through the computer. Take care of yourself.

Thank you Minx. I am going to be as gentle to myself as I possibly can this weekend. thanks for the post.


Roo

Don't force it, is all I will say. Stuff will come when you are ready to handle it. I remember most of my sexual abuse experiences from around age 9-13 but, nothing else. Then out of the blue I had a total flashback (body memories and all) to something that occurred when I was much younger (about 5) and although experiencing it, felt real, I still refuse to believe that it really happened. Why have I always remembered all the rest, but not this? Part of me wants to say to you, that even if new information does come up for you, it might still be too hard for you to accept. SOmetimes, it is better off not knowing and just dealing with the current presenting problems/symptoms (That your T suspects are from sexual abuse.)