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some stuff came up today...........memories that I was afraid of. but the pictures are fragmented. I feel so terrible. I keep saying "what if i am wrong".

but this afternoon, my mom came over and was crying. she was so scared. she said I had called her minutes before and was hysterical but she couldnt' understand me. I have no recollection of calling her at all and felt fine. this was prior to my therapy appointment. My T said he believes that I probably did call mom all hysterical if this stuff is trying to come out. but what I remember is when I was like probably 2 or 3. i remember quite a bit of details from that time in my life but I get so scared that I could be wrong. or maybe I want to be wrong. but then I keep saying to myself that 'it wasn't that terrible what happened. others experience way way way worse.'

but isn't that invalidating to myself? I think it is. but I feel like crap. I called my mom and explained that my T thinks I dissociated and called her. my mom doesn't get all this stuff but anyway.........she is working now so she will call me later. I don't want to tell her any details that I remember because i am afraid she won't think its true. but my T said that he thinks she will because she questioned my father a lot about ever touching me or my sister. i know it was 'just touching'. and there i go again invalidating what happened!

I am very very jumpy lately. my husband came up behind me at the store and said my name and i jumped so high. freaked me right out. the smoke alarm just went off and I jumped right off the floor. my T said today that some of my reactions indicate some trauma stuff. that my reactions are not 'normal' or 'expected' for today's reality of mine. i hope that made sense. in other words, my reactions just dont' fit.......I am overly jumpy and startled and very sensitive to things that normally would not bother someone if they did not experience trauma. and i have a very personal thing that totally freaks me out and it is a normal thing, but not for me. and if someone is even joking iwth me and says 'oh be a good girl/just be good" I flip on them. my husband says it jokingly all the time and i break down crying and flip out. just not a normal reaction for me.

i am so embarrassed. my T says that he knows it because he now knows that when I don't call him or email him for days, its out of feelilng embarrassed and wanting to hide. he told me today to let myself curl up if i need to. to be gentle to the parts of me that need to be loved. to sleep if i need to sleep. does anyone else get beyond exhausted when very intense things come up in therapy? it wears me out!

thank you for listening and for the support this past week. i think it was very helpful and even though the memories are fragments, I feel like its not a secret to hold anymore. i dont' think i need to know details and it might have happened when I was too little to even know. I just know the body memory I have. and I don't believe it was a repeated thing. but I did experience other sexual traumas up til i was 26. I have to tell myself that I cannot minimize what ever happened to me. i cannot compare my situation to others. it was traumatizing to me---period. I need to validate myself.

I just want to go and email or call my T but I am still too ashamed. I feel terrible for any details and embarrassing myself. I told him something important because he was wondering why things are triggered now. it was something personal and very embarrassing.

I gotta go before I get sick..............

Roo

im really proud of you for all this work! wow. please take it slow, ok? dont expect too much of yourself, you are reliving terrible things. i have felt all you described and may always at times. its all gonna happen, the jumping, the startle, the pain, the whole mess. damn C-PTSD.

you are doing great. slowwww, please go slow.

i think the same things, "what if im wrong"? just go with the flow is my opinion to tell ya. right or wrong, its there and you feel it. just dont push it. your way further along than i am in this work. i still only get fragments and usually in dreams. and they freak me OUT.

how you see it is how you saw it as a child. how it feels is how it felt then. and some may be misconstrued, as kids will certainly do that. regardless, you are hurt from it. its ok to be hurt. what others experience is not our problem, only ours is our problem. our pain is all we need to deal with. not any one elses. if it was bad to you, then it was bad. i think when your ready to accept it or face it, you will get that part. right now your in the middle of it all. understandable to want it to be "not that bad".

be kind to yourself. you are worth it.

((Roo))

(((Jody)))

Thank you for your post. I am going to go to bed real soon. I am exhausted but I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off me. I even emailed my T tonight. I wanted to tell him that I talked to my mom. we had a good conversation around it even though it was awkward. she said she loves me very much and that she is very sorry anything bad ever happened to me. It is not our fault. She too asked me to not do too much tonight which was validating to me. My mom remembered that I often have the hardest times at night and get nightmares. I was almost in tears just to have mom take that into consideration.

Wether or not details surface, i am ok. now the work will be to get through this trauma stuff. I don't like being so jumpy and stuff. but maybe I can practice some more skills or something. Not sure.

Have a good night. talk to you later.

Roo