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My D turned the channel to Sky movies yesterday and the film Sybil was playing. In the past, I have been unable to watch this movie because it was too triggering and the last time I watched it a few years ago, I failed to take on board most of it. Somehow I feel drawn to watch this movie, yet at the same time, I know it stirs me up. So, there was another re-run today and I made the conscious choice to watch it from beginning to end. I got through it. I picked up on details and stuff that I can't remember having seen before. (I'm assuming that I must of dissociated, in the past) I felt my heart go thumpy thump a few times. I felt my anger (yay I actually felt it) a few times, but it has left me with my thoughts racing all over the place. I can't stop thinking about the similarities between myself and her - the fragmentation of various aspects of myself (most of which, I might add, have been re-integrated now.)

Anyway, I guess I'm going to sit down and write in my journal to get out some of the stuff in my head and perhaps even talk through it with my T tomorrow.

I'm not really looking for support or any advice here. Was kind of wondering if anybody else here has a movie or song or something that they feel compelled to watch/listen to even though they know it might be triggering?

Another movie that I have watched over 100 times (this isn't quite so triggering but it does bring up feelings of abandonment) is Annie. Even though I was never an orphan, I relate to her in so many ways - longing for the parents who abandoned me in other ways. The song "The sun will come out tomorrow" was one of my favourites as a kid. I don't particularly like the re-make version of it, but it's still a movie that brings tears to my eyes.

This isn't a movie, but I did have an experience last year. Judy Shepard, Matthew Shepard's mother, came to our city to speak. (Matthew is the young man who was viciously murdered in Wyoming because he was gay).

So I found out his mother was coming to speak and I wanted to go, but I was also afraid to go. My son is gay and I fear for his safety all the time. There are no hate-crime laws in my state. Matthew Shepard's story scares me to death. So anyway, I decided to go, because I figured that if I didn't, I'd kick myself the next day.

I went and it was very crowded. I was with friends so it wasn't too bad. I did cry, but she was such a good speaker and I was able to get through it. I'm glad I went. She's such a brave woman, there's no reason why I couldn't sit through an hour's talk. And I got to meet her too. But it was triggering in a way.

I bet that was a hard thing to do. How brave you are. Thankyou for sharing.

We all have our triggers, don't we? I guess at some point we all have to face them. I have a very difficult time watching Sybil and I never went through any type of trauma like that. So you were brave to watch it all the way through! You're very strong!