BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Good morning, sunshine! It's cool, very windy, but the sun is out and very bright here in the North East! I am in a great mood and Life is good at the moment!

As some of you know, some images and memories were coming up for me earlier. On monday, more came out. I am ok. I have the information now and I don't need all the details to validate that I was sexually abused as a child. I have peace now. Now the work is to be able to work through some of the traumas and live in 'today' and not be so jumpy and stuff. sometimes my husband will be joking and say 'just be a good girl' and that flips me out. My husband also has learning disabilities and some mild mental retardation so he does not always have the ability to make certain verbal connections with traumas if that makes any sense. I talked to my t about it again yesterday. when I continue to grow and change and work through the traumas, my husband also grows and changes. Certain aspects of our marriage are much stronger, better, healthier than any of us ever thought were possible. My T says its because of me............and my willingness to change some of my thoughts and stuff. and my willingness to learn because in some aspects I am just learning about intimacy and all that goes with it because of what was taken away from me at a younger age. but its ok.......I am picking up the pieces now and moving forward.

I also met with my psychiatrist this week. Trinity, if you are reading this, I was thinking about you and one of your posts when I was at the doctors! We are tapering my cymbalta now so that when i see the maternal fetal medicine doctor, they can decide what to put me on even though i am not pregnant right now. part of me wants to try to be off some of my meds completely but then a part of me is scared. My t and doctors have never known me off psych meds. but I can stay on buspar and ambien even when I am pregnant! I have 3 doctors now who have said that! At least I can have something for sleep and anxiety! I guess the med of choice during a pregnancy is prozac and I have never been on that before but I would rather try to avoid it if possible. I guess it has too many labels associated with it when people hear the word Prozac! but I am also scared because my psychiatrist told me that by cutting my cymbalta in half this week, I might get very depressed again, but we are not sure. so me and my T are watching for anything out of the ordinary for the next month! this is getting exciting for me but also scary. I want to be a mom so badly and I want my mental health to be in check so that i can enjoy it!!!! We (or I) am hoping to have my body working properly with meds, with hormones (all that good female stuff that has to be in order) by September and then try to get pregnant. I will have all summer to see how I do with med changes.

I know I haven't been online much this week. Its been busy. I was not accepted for one job I thought I was going to get. Waiting on another job but the person was on vacation so I have to wait til next week. I was blessed this week with something major: I was able to purchase a new SUV without any car payments! I love it! It is so new and so fun to drive! getting a part time or per diem job is only going to help me and my husband enjoy life more with some extra finances.

I have missed you guys though. I did come here to see some new posts and see how you were all doing. Jody, I think its awsome you might start a chapter of NAMI where you live. you are taking your experiences and turning it to some positive work. I am proud of you!

Bordergirl, I think its awesome how you volunteer and do extra things in your community! I think it does help you to be able to stay in the moment of today and if that helps, then I think that is awesome!

I know there are so many more of you that have taken the time to read my posts and respond with suggestions, kindness and encouragement.............this post would be huge to address everyone! I calll you all my 'online pals' and that makes it feel very special to me!

for those of you who are new here, I hear your frustrations and stuff, but please be patient. once you get to know people on here, you will find tons of support and suggestions if you are open to hearing it. this is a really great safe place to go to online for support! its the only place I go for support other than in my real life.

Keep up the great work everyone and will catch you all later! My sister and our husbands are taking my mom out to lunch for an early mother's day special!

Happy Mother's day to all of you mothers!

Roo-D-Bear

Yes, I'm reading! Good to know about the Buspar and Ambien. And don't be scared of Prozac. It's what I'm taking now. It does its job.

I'm sorry to hear that you were abused as a child. But overall, you seem to be handling it well. And isn't it amazing how when we grow and change, things and people around us can grow and change too?

{{Roo}}

yeah, I think i had finally realized somehow that its ok to for me to work on myself and to allow myself to change and grow. it's never easy and I hate what happened to me as a child or as an adult. at 26, my mother caught my father spying on me in the shower, but minutes before, he was about to do 'something' else to me that is extremely terrible if you know what i mean. I just don t' want to trigger anything here. so even the adult part of me experienced trauma and it often sets me back, but I was determined that when I met someone to date, I would not let it get in the way.

then I met the guy who is now my husband! we have been married for a year and I was very very very determined to NOT let my C-PTSD get in the way of me being the wife that I wanted to learn to be. so I bought books and read a lot :O) I read things that were way out of my comfort zone. both my t and my husband's T at the time, were super impressed. I bought books on how to talk to little kids about 'bad touching' and all that goes with that subject. I got them to read the little hurt child inside of me so that she got some education, love, nurturing and stuff that she needed. when I spoke to a woman on the Sexual Abuse Hotline once, she said she loved that idea and wanted to use it to tell other clients.

oops...........why am i rambling? sorry. No one asked me about this so maybe I should delete it? Honestly, I would but there is that part of me that says that its ok. maybe this is something I can share with someone else who wants to get better and grow through their experience. If anyone wants to know more, I will share. I am in a space where I am able to share how I am getting better. I am creative and I think of different things to do to help in my recovery. and things that used to embarass that heck out of me, don't anymore.

Roo