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It's been about three and a half months now since my cat went missing and I found out malicious rumours about me had been spread by people I thought were friends. And I seem to be going from one unhealthy coping mechanism to another. I spot them quite early on and try to tackle them, but then I just find myself doing something else.

At first I threw myself into uni work to escape from my feelings. I forced myself to "put on the brakes" and actually dropped a module to give me more time and space to process my feelings, because I knew the longer I left it, the harder it would be. But I quickly found myself spending loads of time on the internet and working on my website, again as a way to block out my feelings. This had a negative effect on my relationship with my partner and we argued a lot.

I made a conscious effort to cut back the internet use, and our relationship improved, but then I found myself comfort eating, overspending and pulling my eyebrows out. When I felt ready to address these areas and started watching my diet, I became obsessed with my weight and body shape. I felt a lot of self-loathing and with a friend's help, I recognised this was anger at others turned inwards. I tried to put it back where it belonged.

Now I find myself drinking too much and indulging in rescue fantasies (essentially daydreaming about something bad happening to me and then someone nice coming and "saving" me).

I'm trying to figure out why I'm doing this and how I can break the cycle. The most obvious reason would be not having healthy coping skills I can use... but I can and I do. (I do have them and can use them, that is. I'm obviously not using them enough at present, but I don't understand why!)

It sneaks up on me every time. I recognise a problem, try to tackle it, try to put the focus back on sitting with my feelings and allowing myself to grieve... then gradually I come off track again and because the things I'm doing would be OK in moderation, it takes a while to spot that they've reached levels that aren't OK.

I tried going back to my T, but I didn't find it helpful. At first she commented on how well I was coping under the circumstances. Then she wanted to talk about my childhood, but I feel I've already come to terms with that and have a good understanding of how it affects me - it's more that I need help navigating the here and now. Then she suggested that since I didn't have much to talk about, we could finish early and she'd only charge me for a half session - which suited me fine as money is *very* tight right now and I don't like paying for something if I feel I'm not getting anything out of it - but as I left she wished me good luck for my wedding - which isn't until July, so it sounded like she made the assumption I wasn't coming back. I know I can correct that assumption, but I just found her so irritating both times - there must be some transference thing going on. I've thought about going to see a different T, but I can't really afford that either, unless I try to get some help on the NHS, which could take months and months.

Does anyone have any suggestions - either insight into why I might be doing this, or advice on how to break the cycle?

Healthy versus unhealthy coping mechanisims is a continuum. A given coping mechanism isn't simply unhealthy or healthy. It's more healthy than some alternatives, less healthy than others.

I see you getting rid of "unhealthy" coping mechanisms, but replacing them with less healthy coping mechanisms.

It's not enough just to take away an unhealthy copying mechanism. It needs to be replaced with something else. We may then choose the next best option of those available.

Seems to me, the answer is to add in a healthier coping mechanism. Of course, easier said than done.

I have a tendency to do this. A big one. I love thrill-seeking. I became obsessed with a friend on the internet a couple of months ago who reminded me of my ex-bf, it lasted for about a week before I was able to put on the brakes and end it. It has been hard for me to control my desires to throw myself into something that is harmful to me. It feels right and it becomes a need if I allow it to. The answer for me has been to, against all desires, refuse to do it (walk away from it all and allow depression to set in, as opposed to seeking out another harmful activity that will give me a thrill), until I can find a way to receive good feelings from somewhere else. I became depressed when I did this, but... I do something that is not or less harmful instead of doing something very harmful to me. For example, instead of drinking, I will become involved in a video game or a healthy activity. At first, I became obsessed with WOW. After I had played WOW for six months, it was like my cup was full - I no longer desired to be obsessed with anything. I was also doing some recovery work during this time. But I went with it, I found an activity that, although wasted my time, wasn't that harmful, and I did it and did it until I didn't want to do it anymore. And then I realized that I could put these feelings into making things better instead of harming myself. I started to put them into trying to recover, honestly, and into figuring out how I could better my relationship, and when I started to climb out of the hole and feel better from it because I was seeing progress, I stopped needing to get my good feelings from harming myself, because I had good feelings. I do have relapses sometimes, especially when I meet new people and they stir something inside me, but for the most part, I'm doing pretty good.

So the answer for me was to redirect my desires and motivations into something positive. It's still the same motivations, it's just redirected, and I can still get thrills every now and then in more healthy ways - such as playing a video game or riding a roller coaster. It takes will, and it was difficult for me, and it still challenges me. It's one of The most difficult things I have had to face.

Also, when I really need a thrill, I just think about something I did before, instead of doing it. I'm honestly not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it beats doing it, and I am not totally on the healthy side yet. For example, instead of going out and picking up a guy, I will just think about some good sex I had once, and how that night transpired. It's not really a fantasy, because it happened, but I guess you could say I am fantasizing about that happening again lol. But then, there's the chance I will become obsessed with this.... lol. As I said, it takes will power, a whole lot of will power and retraining the brain to stop doing it. For example, if I want a drink, I have to say to myself, "no, you can't have a drink." And then if I turn to daydreaming, I think, "no you can't daydream, you have to get back to work." And it just takes parenting oneself out of the bad habits. It's the id run amuck for me, and I believe it's because my dad did not discipline me and I was not stopped from allowing the id to control me when I was a child.