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We don't use trigger warnings around here, but I thought I'd just warn y'all. I know that sex can be an uncomfortable topic for some people, and I wanted to give them a chance to skip to the next thread!

It's been suggested to me before that I'm a bit of a sexual bulemic. I go through cycles of Binge & purge, all or nothing. For the last seven years, I've been in a monogamous relationship (the first ever). I had a couple of slips, but two nights out of over two thousand is a damn good record for me...In a lot of ways it was a satisfying relationship and I learned a LOT about sex and love and how they intertwine.

Well, I'm free now. Unattached. And I can feel my hormones shifting into overdrive. Last night I found myself having a fantasy involving someone I REALLY need to stay away from. Even weirder, I don't usually fantasize about people - at least not individuals I know! My business Conference is a little over a week away, and I already know I've got a couple of guys for my schedule if I gave them the go ahead. Not to mention whoever else new I might meet. I'm getting back into my recovery program, but even there a couple guys are interested in me.

I'm really concerned that I'm headed for a binge. Maybe some of it's normal, but I have such a history that I get really nervous when I feel like this. My neighbor tells me that it's OK to feel this way and that "what happens in Baltimore stays in Baltimore". Maybe that's so. Have a little fling, get some wild oats out of my system and get back to my real life. I'm not as concerned about mistaking sex for love anymore (now that I understand the difference). I'm concerned about my "reputation" (imagine that!!). I'm concerned about burning myself out. I'm concerned about my self-esteem. I'm concerned about my conscience.

And before anyone jumps my case, I DO firmly believe in safe sex. I got my clean bill of health from the doctor last week, but you never know about somebody else...Matter of fact, I have "supplies" already packed with my stuff. I'd rather have them and not need them than need them and not have them.

I just don't know what to feel or what to think. Thoughts of sex are creeping into all the cracks in my mind and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have a few mental tricks I use to be rid of obsessive thoughts, but this is proving VERY tricky to dislodge. Probably because there are other chemicals involved beyond the standard neurotransmitters - damned hormones. This feels SO much worse than it did when I was younger. Do people get hornier as they get older?

I just don't know...

Minx,
Come on now, call on your reasonable mind...do you really think you should sleep with that person? How are you going to feel afterward? Guilty? Can I suggest satisfying yourself instead? Release some of that built up energy. You will be able to think more clearly...
NAM

Oh, if only I could!!
There's not much I can do for myself. I haven't been able to masturbate since my mom beat it out of me at about age four. Still can't! I've tried, OH, I've tried. about ten years ago I did finally find one particular toy that can usually do the trick but without that, I'm lost. Not for lack of experimentation, either. It's not about guilt or shame, as far as I can tell. There's just NOTHING. No response. I just haven't worked through that mental block.

I feel like a kid in a candy store. I feel like I want to make up for lost time. I feel, I feel, I feel.
Reasonable mind.
Reasonable mind.
Reasonable mind.

The first thing I am thinking is.... do you masturbate? I hope I can discuss this here.....

Ahhh, I just read it, I posted prematurely. I didn't masturbate either, and still have problems with it. My mother doesn't masturbate or understand it, and it made me feel wrong for doing it. I am past that, I think (but not the physical effects it caused), but masturbation and orgasm are things I have to force myself to do. I am going to start working on them as soon as I've got my diet underway, which is what I'm doing now, because of this very reason. I think for me, there has to be a balance, which I haven't found. I think abstinence/binge are extremities which can be balanced through learning to masturbate, although I haven't put the work in to find that balance yet, so I can't be sure of how it's going to work out. As far as hooking up for casual sex, I see nothing wrong with it (except it's riskier than I want to be, I think of bad consequences it could incur). Tons of people do it and they enjoy it. One thing I personally will not do is sleep in the room with a stranger. It bugs me to just think at this point about sleeping with someone I don't know (because I ALWAYS seemed to pick the worst possible scenario when it came to hook-ups - a male stripper or a musician, or some hot dirtbag, lol). OMG, I think of the few times I got scared afterward and ended up at the clinic, shaking like a leaf, and it just wasn't worth it.

Do you think you could be wanting to hook-up (possibly for a thrill), consciously or sub-consciously, and therefore, thinking about it because the conference is coming up?

I don't masturbate much. And I do NOT (ever) use my hands. I have a back massager that can usually (but not always) bring me an orgasm, but there isn't really anything else that works. The hand-held shower is nice, but not very "effective".

When I was small, my mom caught me in the playroom with my hands down my pants, and I was severely punished for it. We NEVER EVER touch ourselves there. It's nasty and dirty and you're a filthy girl. I don't ever want to catch you doing that again! combine that with the physical punishment and I BELIEVED HER.

I was about 25 when I first even thought I MIGHT be able to masturbate. A couple of years earlier, one of my girlfriends showed me her "toy" - a back massager. No penetration, just external stimulation (I joke about getting "electric head"). It's pretty good. I don't know WHAT I'm going to do when mine finally gives up the ghost - I haven't seen one just like it in years...And it's the only thing I've found that works. I've done the hot bath, candles, oils, lotions, vibrators...all sorts of things, and I just can't get any rise. I might feel a little warm, but that's about it. I have been unable to EVER bring myself to orgasm. I even have a hard time (at first) when a man is touching me with his hands because "that ain't right", but it's more OK with them than it is me.

Long answer around? No, I don't masturbate. Not particularly.
Wish I could.
Yes, I do like "the thrill of the chase", tho. The sex itself is more like icing than the whole cake. Seduction, foreplay, flirting - the whole thing...

What hole in your life are you trying to fill with random sex? It sounds like your wanting sex and "obsessing" about it is the same as my binge eating and drinking. Once I start, I want more more more. What do I really want more of though? What is lacking in my life? It's not REALLY about the sex, is it Minx? I mean, that will satisfy you for a short time but when it's over, you are still back where you started right?
Ask yourself this: "What's going on Minx?"

Well, I would say to think of some sort of plan to end the abstinence/binge thing and find a happy medium, although I have no experience in doing so myself lol. It's something I have to work on. My bf is also pushing me to learn to orgasm, I just don't care too much about it.

If the seduction and all is what you are into, and you enjoy it (which I can understand, from being a former dancer myself), then I don't see any problems with hooking up. I really don't. In fact, I'm sure I would experiment with it if I wasn't in a relationship. Just BE careful who you're hooking up with (in other words, don't be too risky - I've heard of guys waking up and their wallets were gone or girls being drugged and raped)! And of course, use protection (which you already mentioned, you do).

I am thinking right now that you may also be thinking about this because it's a new turning point in your life (out with the old), and there is probably some loneliness there and some fear. That may be why you are having obsessive thoughts about it too. Obsessive thoughts can sometimes be like a security blanket for me.

Minx, could you be thinking about this so much now because you feel you are free? That you CAN do it if you want. That doesn't mean you HAVE to do it. Just that you can. Would that curb you a bit? I'm not being critical or judgmental - just trying to help you figure out what's going on.

It's sort of like after I had foot surgery. My foot was not in that boot anymore and I could buy any pair of shoes I wanted!

I have never come to orgasm while masturbating, but I have enjoyed and gotten relief from toys. Shower thing, I've tried but I've never really been that thrilled with it. I like a regular vibrating dildo, I call it Big Red, and then I have a smaller one I just threw away cos it broke, it was a purse sized pink and white marbled one. I liked that one for a warm-up. Then I have the Rabbit, that feels really good. I've never been able to do anything with my hands either. It's not like we have a protruding part like guys do lol. It's easy for them.

I agree with Aqua that casual hookups in and of themselves aren't bad. It's what they do to you. The risks you take. The damage to your self-esteem. If you can do the hook-up thing without those issues, then cool. But it sounds like you think you have those issues.

I wish I could give you some solid advice, but the problem is I relate with you. When I'm single, I'm a maniac. Even in the first couple of years with my H, I was nuts, because I only saw him on weekends. Now? Eh. Not so much. And I am able to masturbate. I enjoy it tremendously when I do. I just don't even get the urge anymore. So I'll be reading this thread with interest as a sexual bulimic, myself.

It wasn't until I was in my early 30's that I "gave myself permission" to masturbate. It never even occurred to me to do it. I had been seeing my first T and was gaining independence. I realized, hey, this is something I can do. I felt guilty doing it - I still do. I find I do it to help relieve anxiety sometimes. I think my H knows I do it, but we don't discuss it. It's gotten to the point that it's easier for me to have an orgasm if I do it myself, rather than with my H. I feel bad about that, but it's the reality. Personally, I don't see the point of doing it if I can't have an orgasm (lol). But that's me. I know everyone is different.

I never discussed sex at home with my mother or sister. I'm very, very private about sex. In fact, it's quite amazing that I'm writing this here. And I'm usually uncomfortable hearing what other people do. So I don't know what is "normal" and how other people behave. This is an interesting post.

Oh, so many thoughts, so little time...
I think it's a LOT of things - some of which I'm just starting to realize...

The hookups I'm considering are "safe" - people I know and have been with before. Mr. Seattle is going to be there, and he's mentioned getting together (apparently he's not TOO serious about his "date"). And my "favorite support guy" who gave me such wonderful customer service last year. A little more like "dating" than a pick-up. People I actually like and trust and enjoy.

I'm getting older, and I'm not the sexy young thing I used to be. Wanting to relive the "good ol' days" when I did what I wanted with whomever I wanted. Prove that I've still "got it". Except it wasn't really that good. Why would I want all that hassle - just to get laid?

Time of the month is doing a number on me (so it would seem). Just found THAT out. Why would I get so horny right before I start bleeding? Although I gotta tell, ya, I'm feeling 100% better now!

I'm still talking to Mr. Coincidence. It's not going anywhere (that's good for right now), but it does make me think. He's got a lot of positive energy and it's contagious. I start thinking more about the person I want to become, and less about the person I used to be. Since the two are related (ME), there's a little conflict where they rub. I feel very confused, and I'm not sure "which one" is really me. Since there are no absolutes, they're BOTH me - I just haven't done enough work to integrate some aspects. The whole time I've been in recovery (from everything) I've been in a relationship (on and off) so I didn't have a lot of opportunities to walk through the whole sex thing. It kind of makes sense that I have conflicting values/desires because I haven't had much chance to sort it out.

I'm single now. It's the absolute best thing for me right now, but there's a lot of fear and insecurity that goes along with it. Not unheard of to fall back to the old unhealthy coping skills when we step out into the unknown. In some ways I DON'T think the occasional fling is WRONG. I'm just never sure if it's good for me.

Lots to think about...
I may have to buy myself a couple more toys to see if I can take the edge off. After this trip, I foresee very little sex anytime soon! And if a good toy can keep me from going out and making a bad decision, I'm going shopping!

Thanks for the help, everyone. You've all given me a lot to think about.

Minx, you gave me things to think about too. About how guilty I might feel about what I do. Also you spoke about being "2 different people" - the old you and the new you.

I'm going to start a new thread on that.

Minx,

This is fun too....http://www.playgirltv.com/ Wow, there's some hotties to be seen, but I don't have to risk anything by looking.

Thanks for posting that aqua.

Add another factor.
My T thinks I'm cycling and I'm scared he's right.

I've never been diagnosed Bipolar - never been considered that extreme - but Cyclothymia has been mentioned more than once (Bipolar Lite). Increased sexual activity is a historical hallmark for me. I just tend to ignore it, forget about it. There are some other things, too, but that's a definite red flag - IF I'm paying attention.

I'm not just horny. I'm out of my mind!!

Minx,
I think the most important thing is that you are so well aware of what you are going through. You recognize the signs - you know that you are heading down a slippery slope - and that is very important because now that you "see it coming" you are more capable of stopping/preventing the meltdown...right??? Take a step back. Step outside your mind for a minute and just observe...look at what you have written so far, and get your "thinking cap" on. What is happening? Do you really want to act on these impulses? Will it benefit you to act on these impulses? What has happened in the past when you did act on them? Did you ever regret it? What would be the consequence of you giving in to the impulses now?

It's wonderful that you are aware of it, now just comes the hard work necessary to keep yourself from acting on it. It seems like meditation would help.

* I needed to add - if that is what you want, is to keep from acting on it. I assumed that you did not want to act on these drives.