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Minx mentioned in another thread about being in recovery and being the "old Minx" and the "new Minx". That got me to thinking. I feel like I have one step in the old world and one step in the new world, the recovered world. Everytime I take a step into the new world, I go running back to the old. It's more familiar. More comfortable.

Part of me wants to get better, but part of me doesn't. I'm scared. It's unfamiliar and I don't know how to cope. I'm afraid that while I am in the new world, that something could happen and I might crash. I know I should enjoy the good stuff I have today, but it's something deep within me, like it's in my bones. I get so scared.

As I said in another post, I'm like the little kid who takes a few steps away from mommy, then comes running back. I do that with recovery. I don't fully trust it yet. I don't know how long I can keep it up. I feel like it's a facade and that I'm faking it. I know - you'll say "fake it till you make it." So that's what I do. I pretend. I just don't know how long it will last.

Do any of you feel this way too? Have insecurities about recovery and if you can maintain it for long periods of time?

I used to feel that way. When I was doing the right thing and things were going well, I'd start looking for that shoe to drop. Also, I'd been the old me for so long, it was comfortable. Painful at times, but known. And I think that was a big part of it for me. I could count on my instability! LOL.

Now, I don't feel that way. But every now and again, I get scared that the old me might come back. She pokes her head in, but it's usually short-lived. I recognize it, try to figure out why she's back, and then move through it. In my case, I really do think it was a matter of time and repeating the healthy behaviors. Also, finding the right mood stabilizer worked wonders for me.

oh yes. all the time.

then i hear how im not recovered at all nor even trying, and i let it set me back.

quite discouraging. i wonder if people know how that can discourage someone? like the poor kid who did the self homicide after all the mean shit told her online. while it was her choice to do it, i know how those words can cut.

i can relate to this thread, BG. i think its normal to feel this way when we are trying to change decades old ways of thinking and acting. its scary. its hard.

I entered recovery on November 7, 1982 by going to my first 12-Step meeting. I believe in progress not perfection. My longest recovery is from alcoholism. I have 25+ years without a drink. I have some recovery for over eating (I am maintaining a 100 lb weight loss) but my eating habits are are not that good. I am recovering from codependency, but I had a slip recently. My BPD is being treated in therapy. My goal is not to rage in public. I stopped cutting years ago. I have enough intellectual knowledge about recovery to write a book. I go to therapy once a week and a 12-Step meeting once a day. But it still is, and always will be, progress not perfection.

i feel like that exactly. i thought i was getting better. because i thought i was making improvement. i decided i wanted to stop taking my anti-depressant. i felt the extremes of my moods. my highs were high and my lows were low. all that i thought made me feel more like myself, which is why i thought i was improving. thank god my friend confronted me with this. i was reliving a cycle of self-sabotage. it was like making myself suffer in order to truly know relief. i've lived with my extremes for so long they seem to define reality for me. they make my life feel real. they're familiar and comfortable.

i remind myself to keep doing good things for myself. by doing that i'll learn (what i never learned before) how to cope with being good to myself.