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During my therapy session today my T asked me "Didn't you tell me at one time that you wanted to have 4 children?" SHe's absolutely correct that my H & I did want to have 4 kids, but that choice was taken away from us because of my pregnancy history - 3 C-sections and a high risk for rupture duing pregnancy as a result of my uterus being so thin at the bottom. I was advised during my 3rd pregnancy to not have any more kids. I followed this recommendation. So, I just about died when she asked me this question today and I responded with "I do!!!" Quickly followed by "I did, but I couldn't!" She picked up on the "I do" and asked if this was part of the problem I was experiencing with "the female, hormonally area" of my body? I managed to detour from the question as I was experiencing some uncomfortable pains in my abdo area, so I turned the focus back to that.

I KNOW in my head why I made the decision to not have any more kids. I know that I made a wise, safe decision. I also know that back then (over 8 years ago) I was completely numb - emotionally & physically and was a human doing (robot); not a human being, who would have done whatever was asked of me, without batting an eyelid. If somebody told me cutting off my left foot was the best thing for me, I probably would have done it. So, I'm picking that I made the "no more children. I'm having a TL", decisions from a very rational, non-feeling mind-state, and what's happening now is my "emotional mind" has decided to make it's thoughts/feelings be known. So, I've got contradictory things going on for me. Part of me, it would seem wants to have another child and part of me doesn't and made that decision 8 years ago and have stuck by it. And I'm not sure what I'm meant to do with this now?

I feel like such an idiot posting this, but I wondered if anybody had any thoughts on this, or suggestions? Or have you experienced anything like this where you found 2 completely opposing thoughts and how did you reconcile that?

At the time you made the decision, you explain you were in robot-mode. This probably means you weren't in touch with your feelings. So your decision was made based on the rational you and without consideration of the emotional you. Then, later, when the emotional you surfaced and made it's wants known, you realized that you failed to consider the emotional you in the decision you made. The rational you and the emotional you are both a part of you. Although opposing (as in, the emotional you wants to have a baby, and you possibly think of the joys associated with doing so), the rational you knows that there would be a lot of hurdles there that would make it less-than-joyful for you and your baby. So, both are needed to make up a human being, and both can be considered and nurtured, and the two can work together to make a fulfilling life.

The idea of wise mind comes to mind. The wise mind is the combination of rational mind and emotional mind. Not one or the other, but the two together. Ideally, we would make decisions from the wise mind. But it doesn't always work that way.

So, back then, you made a rational mind decision, that didn't account for the emotional mind, because of being emotionally numb at the time.

Although you can't undo the past, I wonder if it's possible to revisit that decision from a wise mind place. Maybe perhaps look at, what is the wise mind choice now?

I very definitely made the TL decision from a rational mind state and was completely unaware of my feelings and any contradictory thoughts on this at that time. I guess I'm somewhat shocked to discover these contradictory feelings/thoughts surfacing over 8 years later; and now finding myself in this position of not knowing what I really want. I'm not sure what the wise mind decision would be as I seem to just be going back and forth between the two states - The "what if's? and the "It's a done deal, accept it." I guess I'm just going to sit with those contradictory thoughts/feelings for a while and perhaps do a "pros/cons" exercise. Thanks for your thoughts.

Seems like a good plan.