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I had mentioned in another thread (which belonged to our orbalicious new member Clarity ...SHOUT OUT... hey) that I think I "split" in that I have my work persona, family persona, boyfriend persona, stranger persona. I was told that this is not actually "splitting" and now I'm asking myself what is it?

To explain more, I know this is normal to a degree (having different masks), but I have entirely different personalities in different situations. In some situations I am very bold, dominant, and others submissive even to the point of being the "little girl" persona. With strangers- too open, like I already know them. It's like acting all the time and whoever I spend an amount of time with I tend to start copying their mannerisms, patterns of speech and behaviors. I think this feeds into the quick trusting phenomenon, because I mirror the people around me... instant validation, sameness, comfort.

What's up with it? can you relate, or anyone else reading relate? I still have a lot to learn and observe in myself and understand about other people.

Also- what's your "dissociation" experiences? I was totally dissociated (or so I think, or hope) when I quit my job. I was unable to do anything but focus on the robotic task of terminating my very exhistence at my job. I removed all of my things, all trace of myself. I knew if I had more time to think and get down from my stress cloud, I probably wouldn't hae done it so impulsively, but I told them I was stressed and asked for an unpaid leave for a few days and they denied it. I had to get out of there- I felt like I'd gone on auto pilot and my body was doing the last thing it could to preserve itself. That morning when I left to go in and tell then that I quit, i didn't even lock my door. i left my back door wide open, like I was so glazed that I didn't even notice- I just shut the scren and left the kitchen door wide open. When I got home I knew that I wasn't just trying to take the easy way out, or excuse myself from responsibility for a vacation. I was really out there.

Who else feels like this? I know there's more than one question here. Am I borderline or something else? My doctor says I may also have PTSD from childhood trauma and cyclothymia... too many diagnosis? Help out out here!

xoxo- confused Ermine isn't leaving the house anymore either...

I think during periods of great distress (death of someone you love, loss of job, etc.), that many people experience disassociation. An episode of Buffy comes to mind, where Buffy's mother dies, and Buffy is moving in slow motion and appears to be robot-like, numb, and unaware. A state of mild disassociation was my operating state for years and years, where I more aware of what was going on in my head that what was going on around me, and I felt as if everything was "fuzzy", and this is the best word I can think of to describe it. I honestly believe that I am just now getting to the point where I can take everything in without disassociating at all, without needing to disassociate in order to protect myself from pain induced by words I hear or actions taken by another. A state of disassociation such as the one you describe I think is what the brain chooses to do at the time, until you can allow more of what just happened to sink in, that the trauma induced is too much for you to handle at that time and place.

I also think that everyone changes their persona in different situations. I think it's natural to do so, to find a place where one feels comfortable and the other person feels comfortable in those roles. There are certain roles I am no longer willing to play, which is interesting, and I am finding that I am less willing to be compromising to fit the role that certain people want to place me in. If someone pushes to fit me there, I end the relationship. I like to be in control of my own persona, and unwilling to change the face I want to present for someone else. I'm not sure exactly what this means for me yet, I am going with where my self is leading me, and I tend to want total control of myself and what I do these days, with little compromise. I think it might be a reaction to having no control of my life for 30 years. I also think I have little need for validation lately. Not sure exactly what this means yet, but it is definitely a change. I'm still looking for a middle ground I have yet to find, and I am still testing out different thoughts, feelings, and ways of being. I'm still confused about where to come in for a landing.

Sometimes with bf, I can be submissive, even act much like a 9 year old, and like it. Other times I can be dominating with him, and like that. I'm not sure if I will ever reach a place where I am not moody (and I think my mood also is intertwined with which face I am wearing, but with him, I allow them to come out at will, according to mood). I keep waiting for that to happen as I do my work, but I am not seeing any gains on this end.

PTSD and BPD overlap. Not that they are exactly the same. But, from what I've read, I'd say, if you fit the criteria of both, it's not two different things, but two ways of looking at the same thing. (Which doesn't mean one can't fit the criteria of one but not the other.) Anyway, if you do indeed have PTSD, then you have something that has a lot of common ground with BPD.

As for what you were calling splitting, you aren't the only one who calls that splitting. As I said in the other thread, it's not a bad name for it. Just confusing since there's something else called splitting.

I'm not sure what the official label would be. I'm thinking it may involve form of dissociation, though. There are various types of dissociation, which can occur together or separate. A disconnect between the parts of the self would be one form. There may be some of that.

I know that I have had -- and still have, to some extent -- the same tendency to have different personae (I call them masks) depending on what role I'm playing in my life at any given moment. I know it's common with BPD. To some extent it's not entirely unhealthy to be able to compartmentalize different parts of your life, but we need to develop a strong core self that's the baseline. That can take some work.

I also think that what you describe of your experience of leaving your job does sound like a level of dissociation.

Splitting is a different thing -- it's when we think of someone as totally positive one moment, and then "split them black" (totally negative) the next.

I have two distinct personalities. I can be nice and I can be narcissistic. My therapist mentioned the term "closet narcissist," but it implies that my nice side is not genuine and that is not true. I sometimes call myself a situational narcissist, someone who can in certain situations be unsympathetic to those around her. When my BPD rage comes out I am totally unaware, and unsympathetic, to how this impacts others so I tend to agree with my therapist.

Thanks for the replies.

Has anyone been given some good advice on how to bring yourself back down to earth from the ultra stressed out dissociative place? I've heard all different kinds of relaxation techniques, but I'm asking how a person could better integrate themselves in order to be able to take on the stress in these situations without shutting down or just avoiding the stress in the first place.

Rainbows, thanks for posting another great picture. It looks like a watercolor; I've been paining a lot of watercolors lately and giving them to friends. I do one for each of my friends with different symbols in it that represent them and hieroglyphs on them wishing their protection and advancement. The painting helps me to focus and charge myself with more positive energy. I too can be very narcissistic by the way, you're not the only one!

What about social anxiety; how I can I get over this problem without boozing it up to relax? I've been very tentative to even leave the house lately because my social anxiety has gotten so out of control! I'm looking for a new job and I have no self esteem whatsoever. I feel like such a failure!

I tend to dissociate under certain circumstances. Unfortunately, I don't do much of anything -I just wait for to go away. If I'm driving, I turn up the air conditioner. I will often pinch myself. Not the best coping methods. Come to think of it, I've never discussed it with my T. Maybe I should. I'll be interested to see what ideas anyone has on this. But you're not the only one who does this.

I think this [for lack of a better word] 'phenomena' does have much to do with a sort of crazy glue kind of quick bond maybe stemming from a nebulous or unsure sense of self. I like Sari's synopsis:

Simply stated, but - as she noted - not quite so simple a task.
The first step to modifying an issue is recognizing it, though!


~ jr

Simply stated, but - as she noted - not quite so simple a task.
[/quote]

This does seem to be the piece that is all-important. I don't think it matters as much what face I put on (considering that I like that face), as long as I have a self behind it that is solid.

To connect what I said, about different parts of the self being connected or not, with what others have said about developing a strong core self...

There's that strong core self, and there's who we are in different situations. And those various things that we are in various situations, those connect with the core self. So, who I am at work comes out of both the situation, and my core self. It's a meeting of the two. I don't ignore the situation and just be myself. I don't ignore myself and totally let the situation dictact how I act. Rather, both inform how I act.

True. Good thoughts.

Thanks for the advice. I think it's true that it's a combination of 2 things- environment and yourself. I've got to work on it.

Bordergirl- I like what you wrote, and no, I don't think pinching myself is a state of the art therapy! I love the things you write because really you're a great story teller. You know how to deliver; you're honest with a hint of self-deprecation.

Take care all!

XOXOXOXO

Thanks Presstoe. I hope we both can learn how to deal with dissociative attacks. They usually occur for me under difficult circumstances - driving, when I'm with someone else, etc. They never occur when I'm home and can be relaxed. It's dangerous to have a dissociative attack while driving. Scares the crap out of me!