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I moved in with my boyfriend one month ago and I had a nervous breakdown and quit my job. He's been drinking again and now he's bought weed. I'm supposed to be fine with all of this. I'm the crazy one according to him. Any advice/ideas on why this is springing out now?

I'm sick of this. He stopped drinking because it was a problem, it is his problem. Now pot? Jeez- that just makes him into a freakshow! I feel like I gave my trust for sh_t.

Sounds like you have some problems here to solve, presstoe.

Have you asked him why he is turning to alcohol and pot? A good discussion is in order.

Why did you have a nervous breakdown?

Healthy relationships should have boundaries. For me personally using pot would not be acceptable. People who use it are self-medicating. My son uses it to quell his nightmares, but he should be going to therapy instead. The most important thing is your mental health. If you are having a hard time setting limits you may be codependent. IMO

Thanks for the replies!

We did talk, this morning over coffee. We sat down at the dining room table specifically for a serious discussion. The result was he said that he'd only drink on the weekends with friends if a social gathering was occurring that included alcohol. But then today that type of social gathering occurred and he drank a lot fast and then he came with to drive a friend home (I drove). On the way back I told him I was going home and he said he wanted to go back to his friend's house, so when we arrived I told him to park his car where my car was parked so that he would have a spot and he said, "I'm just going to drive the car home and walk back." This meant 2 things, he wanted to drink more and he was going to get his pot from our house because I told him not to bring it around my friend who was with us earlier. No, I don't approve of pot. I went thru that phase of my life.

I had a breakdown because I work in a social service field and some of my co-workers wanted to start some sh_t with me so they went right right for the jugular and raised allegations of "abuse". I cannot discuss this online because of confidentiality. Basically they not only wanted to give me a hard time, but they wanted to create a situation which could put me out of the field permanently. The atmosphere was very negative, and the individual who was propagating very vicious rumors received a promotion after I'd left. In addition to this I had a meeting with the director of my area, and I had mentioned in another post how I cried a few times in meetings when I was being "reprimanded" (I worked for a Catholic institution), well in this meeting he raised his voice at me and said "You don't even want to be coached, everything you're doing and saying tells me that you don't even care!" I responded by saying "No, I don't want to be coached by anyone who is raising their voice at me." Then he tried to defend himself by saying that he was doing it to "motivate" me. Long story short the next day I went to HR and reported what had happened and an investigation took place and they found no evidence of anything unprofessional that had occurred. So I asked, "If nothing unprofessional occurred then are you saying that this behavior is acceptable?" The response I got was, "(blank) has lost his cool in meetings before." and I responded by saying, "So then what you're telling me is that this behavior is not only acceptable but expected from this individual." I made up my mind at this point that the company was cycling inappropriate behavior in circles thru it's self contained channels and that this was a hostile environment that I couldn't work in. The whole breaking down part occurred over facing up to the idea of quitting and doing it, what I was losing and giving up- feeling like a failure and not knowing where to turn next.

As for being co-dependent. My boyfriend hadn't drank in a year and a half. I had broken up with him over the drinking and not spoken to him for months. When he had destroyed some of my property I filied a police report. I took his keys at the time of the breakup and even when we got back together 4 months later he was still NEVER given keys to my house. This spring after the year and a half had passed, he had a steady job, a clean apartment etc. I decided that we could live together and that it was time to take a chance on him again. He'd been a great guy, he'd replaced bar hopping with home cooked meals which we would perpare together and cozy nights on the couch watching movies. I had every reason to believe that the old stuff was really over. I never expected what's going on now. I'm already running ideas in my mind about how to get into a different living situation. Maybe I still had some wit about me when I moved in here because I let him pay the total security deposit and put all of the utilities in his name. The building owner lives in Honduras, he's coming in 2 weeks and we haven't signed a lease yet. Basically I still have my get out of jail free card and I will use it if I have to. I don't take crap or coddle alcoholics. When he called me from the hospital after he'd checked himself in during a hangover induced panic attack (this was 1.5 years back)- he wanted my symapthy, to cry on the phone to someone. I told him that I wanted him to lay in that bed and think about what an ass_ole he is and to stop drinking. He cried and told me how cruel I was and I told him to consider what he was doing to himself. That was actually the last time he drank and the begining of his sobriety.

So, that's my story. I don't really know why this has come up and I've asked him and he can't give an answer except that he "feels like doing it". Still needing advice...

I would continue to push for him to tell me why he is drinking. I would doubt that he did not drink for that year and a half. And I would want to know my part in the puzzle, if my actions were somehow "driving" him to drink (I do know that a person is responsible for their own drinking and their own choices, but I would want to know if some stress I had caused was the reason (he thinks) he decided to make that choice). It sounds as if the two of you don't communicate very much or very well. These are major issues, and if he doesn't want to discuss his drinking (since it affects your future dramatically, as well as his), then that is a major problem. He is going to have to make the effort to put in the work to communicate and understand, and so will you. It's hard work to grow a good relationship. Discussing ways to improve communications and improve quality of life are imperative, imo. It's important to listen and react and to work to please the other.

The Separation of Stuff will help you to decide what is your responsibility and what is theirs. In your stories, I notice that a lot of them seem to talk a lot about what "they" did. The focus needs to be on your actions, and taking ownership of that, so you can figure out what you may have done to cause a reaction, and the consequences you incurred. I noticed that you mentioned your boss raised his voice, but that is a pretty normal occurrence where my bf works, which is for a large corporation. That wouldn't be seen as a big deal (not to say that it shouldn't be to you, but if one doesn't want to accept that type of interaction, there's really no way to work for a large corporation), and I'm just mentioning that to offer another perspective. My bf and his boss have both yelled at one another. There is yelling in meetings, a lot. Everyone there has yelled at one time or another. People are human. (That's to say, if this is an isolated incident. I am thinking it is, and what he said tells me what he was angry about, which would be understandable for a manager).

I would've possibly sat my co-workers down with my manager and had a long talk concerning what was going on. Rumors aren't going to matter if there is no truth to them. The person responsible will be found out by a good team and a good manager, and they will be the one who pays. What they considered "abuse" would have to be talked out, and they would have to be accountable for what they are saying and explain themselves. There is no reason for anyone to have a nervous breakdown over this, if they are accountable and responsible, they do their best, and they have the tools!

I think you would benefit greatly from learning to use the Tools to the left. They have greatly improved my life, and I believe they could do so for you. Effort on that end will result in a big payback for you, if you play your cards right. You can gain control over your life, and that's a good place to start. Stick around here and you have the opportunity to learn a lot about how to do so.

Aqua- thanks for the reply.

Yes, regarding another rumor allegation, we did sit down and talk and it was unearthed that the individual had exaggerated the situation because as it came out in the meeting he had other issues with me. He was someone who I was supervising and he'd felt like I was "giving him orders". It was hard not to tell him what to do because he tended to just sit around every chance he got. To mention fairly my part in the cause- I'd gotten sick of directing him and watching him sit around while me and the other staff did all of the work. I had become short with him in my requests- I felt very impatient with him by the time of the meeting. In his defense he was only 19 years old and this was his second job ever, maybe because I was new to the word of supervising, I was ill-equipped to handle the situation.

In my defense, I was put in charge of a group of individuals and given no supervisory training. My director knew I didn't have experience and it was like they just threw me in the mix and then handed me write-ups (for things like going thru the wrong channels when requesting equipment and snapping back at staff who challenged my authority) instead of training. By the time they decided to train me (this is the "coaching" I mentioned) yes, I was out of patience and motivation. After the first allegation, and the meeting drama I didn't care much to keep going thru the pattern of passive-aggressive manipulation and long drawn out discussions. It was too much drama for me. We could have been putting that effort into working with the clients instead. I had become bitter, but it was the affect of the way I was treated by management in the first place. It wasn't the right fit for me, and if that's the way places like this are run, then I don't belong in them. I'd never encountered this before, but this was the largest company I had worked for.

About the boyfriend. I don't know if he'd drank that year and a half. He was with me 5-6 days a week and there was no indication that he had been drinking or craved a drink. That's part of the reason we moved in together, because he was always over at my house anyway and he was still paying rent at his apartment.

Right now he's painting the bathroom ceiling as he'd promised to do. I know he's hung over, and I'm not helping him because I did everything else myself in there. I did the dry wall, I painted it after it had set. I fixed the cracks and texturized the ceiling. I cleaned the grout and killed all of the mold that was growing. Now it's his turn to have one little taste of the effort I put in. I'm impressed that he's sticking to his word. He said he'd be home by midnight last night and he kept his word about that too. Maybe he will keep the drinking in moderation, and not do it alone or during the week. Only time will tell I guess.

ahh. my view may be distorted as my H is a alcoholic. i am in al anon. my daughter went thru her meth and drug/drink phase. i can not stand it. my H has retired and now drinks daily.

alcoholics are addicts. they will always be a addict. it seems to me he has simply changed out his drug of choice. or added one.

alcoholics can not drink ever. his escalating use shows this.

i do not know if you know this or not so i will repeat it in case you do not. without help, rehab, AA, counseling, they will simply become a dry drunk. or revert back.

he also, i think, is testing you. you left before. he is now seeing where your boundaries lie. you know a addict will not do much more than spiral down until they decide to stop.

i disagree with asking him "why do you drink (or smoke pot)?" i doubt he knows, nor do i think he would get more than defensive. he will promise the moon to get you to shut up for the moment.

i think he was sober awhile, and is back at it. this is only my opinion. take it as you will. very common.

more importantly, this about you. what will you allow? accept? will you become his caretaker and try to keep him out of jail or from driving? will you baby him? i have recently learned a lot of this from al anon and my A. will you allow the verbal abuse almost all addicts dish out?

do you want a life with a pothead? a drunk? is this how you see your life? if so, and i live with mine so far, what can you do to help yourself? keep yourself sane and healthy?

do you intend to worry every day if he drinks in moderation? or the cops stop him with you in the car?

sheesh, have i been where you are now. now i just have to learn how to mitigate my own stuff while mine drinks every day. to let him fall on his ass and not get him up. we talked about laughing. i have laughed thru tears at his falling in the bathtub and shitting himself. how sad is that.

i dont think "the old stuff will be over" ever. a alcoholic/addict is always one. his issues are always there.

and your "i told him not to bring his pot around my friend" hmmm...you need boundaries, not orders. put the behavior onto him, not take it on yourself. "if you bring drugs (call them what they are) , then i will go alone". see the diff? the other way, you are taking responsibility for his actions. this way, he is. very important he does it and you dont.

what you decide is your choice.

Wow- if mine ever sh_t himself that would be it! Glad it was just a phase for your daughter- I was that way too. In my experience it seems like the women I have known grow out of it and less of the men do, or maybe they are just growing out of it more slowly. Don't worry- I'm not going to baby him, never have- he can kiss my ass. He did a good job in the bathroom by the way without my help. I drew the line, he's going to keep his promises, you know, no matter how lousy he feels...

Regarding the "don't bring your pot around my friend" thing, that was a special scenario. The friend is a former client of mine who has mild MR and mild CP. Her mother is very involved in the community of agencies which serve people who have developmental disabilities, also the field I work in. It's an issue of zero tolerance, and my boyfriend had no problem understanding that. Her mother adores me and has put a great amount of trust in me- I'm the only person outside the family who can pick her up and take her out anywhere. It's a relationship that I don't want to ruin. She's a great person, an artist like me and we do collaborative work, which is why she was over at my house and subsequently was invited to a BBQ which just happened to be occurring that day.

Anyway, enough about that. Yeah- I've been to alanon- not my cup of tea (not dissing it for those who benefit from it!). I was always just of the belief that if your husband is so freakin' bad why don't you leave. I wasn't living with him at the time and I was surrounded by wives and mothers who didn't have the options I did, or didn't think they had them. I went I think 4 times and learned what I needed to. We shared experiences and it was worth it but not something I wanted to continue with weekly. I know he'll always have a problem. It's really obvious. The tricky part is that with my high anxiety and cyclothymia I regulate at times by using alcohol.

Ok, before you roll your eyes a 360- I've very very rarely drunk. That's not the point. And I already know it's not the best coping mechanism. My therapist knows about it a doesn't have an answer for me because it doesn't seem to be hindering me and I respond so badly to psych meds (I've been on them all) that she can't hardly blame me. My last med disaster was having ass-bleeding constipation on Cymbalta. I now take 20mg of it just to keep the night terrors at bay, which it does, I don't know why. So, maybe my boyfriend is trying to justify his behavior because of mine. But I don't react to the alcohol the way he does, and I use it in a different way, not to drink as much as fast as possible to get wasted. I did all of that in college and pot too, acid, you name it but nothing sniffable!

I don't know, like every story it has angles in every direction. The last alanon meeting I remember getting sick of listening and thinking to myself "I could sure use a drink!" Oh my... I'm a disaster!

Thank you for taking the time to explain. I think I am painting a more true and accurate picture of your situation than before . This type of scenario seems to be very common - bad fits that occur because there is no one better suited to take the role at that time. My bf's corp just did tons of shuffling (of people in jobs they didn't do well in), and found very good results from doing so. Those same people who seemed to be lazy and unmotivated turned out to be some of the best employees. Going through the beginning stages in learning to manage a team is tough for anyone - it can be exhausting, and it takes a lot of work. I can understand if you just weren't in the right mental space to handle that, or to want it. I don't think you are incapable of it in the long run, though.

Aaah, I see that you two were together a lot and he did not appear to be drinking. I am just curious as to what exactly might've caused him to want to drink and smoke pot now, after a year and a half of abstaining (although I still do wonder if he drank on those one or two days you didn't share, which is what he appears to be doing now - drinking one night a week?). Do you think it could have something to do with any stresses the loss of your job may've caused? Or something about you two moving in together? Sometimes life events may trigger someone to turn to drugs and alcohol, if they don't have a good strategy in place for handling those situations. If he can handle socially drinking and be responsible for himself one night a week, I suppose that is something you could decide if you can tolerate in your life.



I'm hearing you've decided to watch him and play it by ear to see what he is going to do. And it seems like if he is able to drink socially and be responsible about it and stay within the boundaries you've set (such as, be home by 12), that it will be okay with you. I hope he isn't drinking and driving, as there are serious consequences to doing so, for others and himself. I'm seeing you making some decisions, and you've also drawn some boundaries with him. Good work.

I used to do this too. Everytime I felt anxiety, I wanted a drink. I think I am an alcoholic. I drank on and off for about 20 years. Honestly, once I had quit drinking for about a month, I felt so much better, it's like my mood lifted. I think the drinking contributed to the slight state of depression and lack of motivation I was experiencing, and I really didn't drink THAT much. I drank about maybe 6-12 beers a week and 2-6 mixed drinks a week (estimated), at the most. Most of my anxiety is gone, now that I have quit drinking and focused my mind on things that matter in my life. It doesn't hurt that I put a lot of time into making my relationship better, so there is no stress on me financially or relationship-wise, as much.

It's so easy to start thinking this when you hear week after week how sucko someone's life is. It's like, why in the hell don't you change it then? But the truth is: sometimes it's not so easy. Sometimes they don't have the money to leave. Sometimes they don't have a way to support themselves, because they didn't make their careers a priority. Sometimes they just aren't smart or savvy enough to make it on their own. Sometimes they have such horrific mental conditions themselves that they can't function well enough to support themselves. And sometimes all of these hurdles seem too difficult for them to cross alone, because they don't have belief in themselves (or others) and the fact that they can cross them successfully. Sometimes they just don't have the education or the know-how. Sometimes people have lost all faith and hope that there is anything better for them. Sometimes they think that is all they deserve. And sometimes being there is a comfortable place, one they keep returning to, and they would rather roll around in their own misery than take a chance and venture out of that comfortable place, and try something difficult. Some people fear leaving, and think they will end up in a worse place if they do, because they really have no one but themselves to fall back on. Some people are afraid they will fall in a deeper hole and won't be able to get out, so they tolerate the more shallow hole they are in. People are afraid of the unknown, especially when they don't have any support while trying new things (no parents, no real friends, no one). There are plenty of predators out there who are willing to catch you if you fall.

And these are just some of the reasons some people stay....

"""" I was always just of the belief that if your husband is so freakin' bad why don't you leave""""

umm, its not quite that easy. and the one time i did leave was hell. hell on earth. so dont be quite so hasty with some of us, please?

living under a bridge, eating of trash cans just isnt as glamourous as it sounds. esp at my age.

always remember, alcohol is a depressant.

and my daughter is very med resistant also. been there. alcohol will make it worse, tho, every time.

good luck with everything, jody

Yeah, Jody, that's why I said that they were wives and mothers and had a whole different situation than me- I know it's different for different people. I don't want to upset you or make you think that I'm judging you are them.

Argh- now I'm just off the charts and I'm sitting here typing and sweating and I feel like I'm snapping. I feel like having a drink because my mind is like a whirlpool right now. I'm paranoid and scared and I know I've taken my brain too far. I can't let myself go here, you know. It feels like I'm going into it and I know I'm going into it and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Thanks for the replies.