BPDRecovery.com: Forums

i don't know what i am doing anymore. i feel like i'm just going through the motions of life. there's no real purpose, or goal to attain. i'm just getting up, going to work and going home. it's the same thing everyday. i'm falling into that "sad girl" again and i don't want to be there. the girl that doesn't smile, doesn't talk, doesn't respond. i don't want to be that girl but i don't know how to stop this cycle. i can fake a smile but i'll know it's not real. a smile is about the only thing i can fake, every other emotion i wear on my skin like a badge of honor. there's no hiding how i'm feeling. do you know how difficult that makes working?

ugh.....make it stop. the nastyness is on repeat.

you know it's bpd when you find yourself splitting because no one is responding to a forum posting.

Are you in therapy? Are you taking meds? Getting out of the circle takes time and effort. It's not a quick, simple thing. And as you get further in your recovery, the length of time between the sad girl time will get longer and longer.

As for no one responding... well, I'm not sure what kind of response you're looking for by reading your post. Maybe asking a direct question might lead to more/better responses.

Yes I do. I know it very well.

Perhaps you could fill us in a bit more on your situation, ie: what you're doing about your depression etc, so we can come up with some helpful advice.

So if you were someone else, one of those shiny happy people who seems to have it all, what goals would you have?

I could blithely create a list of goals for you but unless or until YOU come up with goals for yourself, they'll be absolutely meaningless -- another thing to add to the "going through the motions" category.


Why hide what you're feeling? Certainly it's probably best to hold back the sobbing until you're away from work but you're allowed to sob, moan, wail, feel the feelings in whatever way is best for you. Those feelings won't move forward / go away until you acknowledge that they're there, that they're real, that they exist and are tangible to you. As long as you deny them and set them aside, pretending they don't exist, they'll continue to haunt you and chain you to them so you'll never be able to escape them.

I've found that when I feel numb and dull and listless and aimless, it's usually because I've got something lurking in my subconscious that I haven't yet had the courage to face head-on yet. As soon as I allow that to come to the forefront so I can tackle it, wrestle with it and conquer it, I feel a thousand times better about everything. It's like a huge weight has been lifted and the sun is shining again. I'm able to think more clearly, be more decisive, take whatever life throws my way.

i see a pdoc and a tdoc on a rather regular basis. i'm on meds, effexor, abilify and adderall. and i'm sorry if i came across as being mean.

my situation is like this......
i was brought up in a dysfunctional household and was never taught/showed how to regulate my emotions. no one ever showed me what it was like to have faith in yourself or love yourself. no one showed me how to interact with people without being scared. so i grew up in this drug and violence infested house being afraid every day and neglected by the one person who was supposed to protect me, my mother.

now i am an adult, 26, and i don't have a relationship with my mother...wait let me rephrase, i haven't had a relationship - a real one - for a long time but now i've cut off all ties and said "enough is enough". i haven't spoken to her since february but i just recently sent her a letter saying that i had forgiven her, which i haven't - don't know why i did that. now that she's responded i see why i cut ties with her to begin with. she brings this ugly person out of me. this very scared and lonely person.
since mother's day, that's when communication started up again, i have been irritable, depressed and scared. talking to her brings out all of these feelings of hatered in myself; feeling like i'm not good enough, that everything i do is wrong - every step is the wrong one. that i'm not pretty enough, that no one could ever really love me or want to be with me. that my friends, what few i have, hate me and what nothing to do with me. that this world would be better off without me because i provide nothing to it. that no one would miss me when i was gone.

so i go on like this for days, sometimes weeks. just wanting to not participate in life and to sleep/hide the days away. i get in a rut that i can't get out of. everytime i try and add something new, like working out, i end up falling back into it - the rut i mean. i always take two steps forward just to take 3 steps back. so i get frustrated.

on top of all of that i always feel like my sister-in-law, the bubbly go getter, has everything and i want that. i often feel, too, that my mother in law is trying to compare me to her and to measure me up to her. that i'm not cured and that nothing i take, med wise, is working until i can be bubbly and upbeat like jennifer, because "there are worse things in the world, people have it much worse than you". that's what i always hear. that once again, i'm not good enough. never good enough.

so what's good enough i wonder? i always thought of it as being a nice person. someone who can talk to people, someone who has a social life and responsibilities. someone not like me. i want to be someone else.

as for goals, i have none except to have a child within the next year. i have a hard time thinking in the long term when it comes to goal setting. i can't get passed today, i'm always to scared to set goals. everything boils down to me being a scared little girl.

I have usually found that when I think the grass is greener on the other side, that there are always weeds there instead.

Your sister-in-law may present as a bright, bubbly person, but she cant' be like that all the time. Often people who seem to "have it all" do not. They just act that way to show the world how they want the world to see them.

It is not fair to compare yourself to your sister-in-law or anyone else. You are unique - you are your own person. It's not fair to you to try to live your life according to other people's lives. You need to set your own goals for yourself. To do what makes you happy, not someone else.

I think a good idea would be to write down on a piece of paper a few things you'd like to achieve. You say you want to have a baby. So first, you need to take care of a few things. You need to become healthy. How will you do this? You can try by getting in good physical shape. Try to commit to exercising, say, twice a week. That's not so much to strive for. If you find yourself slacking off, say to yourself that you're doing this so you can get pregnant. That's a definite goal. Then add other things to help you get in good physical shape. Watch the way you eat. Make sure you get the proper sleep. Once you see that you are doing this for yourself, you may stop comparing yourself to other people. Also, by getting in good physical shape, it will help you mentally.

right now i am coming up with a thousand excuses as to why working out wouldn't work out for me. i just have to do it don't i?

I can't think of any reason why working out would NOT be good for anyone. You're basically just making excuses. You gotta just get off your a$$ and just do it! I know I need to get on my elliptical machine today. I can make a thousand excuses, but none of them will hold water. You need to make the commitment and stick to it! Take it from one who knows how to make excuses!

ok ok. sheesh.

thanks for the advice.

Good luck!!!! Just get in there and do it!!!!

Bordergirl is right. It is definitely unfair for you to compare yourself to others. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. When I do that, it is usually just to reinforce the negative feelings I have about myself... I don't have my stuff together; I don't have the "Leave it to Beaver" family, I am an emotional basketcase, etc. When I let those feelings in, I have try my best (and on occasion a good friend) to remind myself of everything that I have overcome to be the person I am today. I am not perfect, but I don't think anyone is. You survived a difficult childhood. Isn't that something to be proud about?

As far as others telling you how you should act or how your life isn't so bad, they can just stuff it. That is a personal pet peeve. Noone in the world can tell you how you should or shouldn't be affected by your past. You can never know someones troubles until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Ehh???

I used to work in jobs that put me in contact with very wealthy people. I used to think that they all had it made. They had all this money, so that meant they must have wonderful marriages, wonderful kids, wonderful lives.

But as I got to know more about them, I learned about suicide, alcoholism, infidelity, abuse. So what you see in the surface isn't always what is out there in real life. You just have to live your life for you - not focus on other people and what they do or do not have.

I always felt I was never good enough for my mom, either. Until I realized I was living my life for HER and not me. Until I realized that her expectations were just that... HERS. I didn't HAVE to meet her expectations now that I'm an adult. I live my life in the healthiest way I can, and that means talking to my mom maybe twice a week to minimize the hurt that I still sometimes feel when she reminds me that I'm not making enough money or I don't have kids. I've reached a place where I can separate her stuff from mine. She's got the preoccupation with money and luxury, not me. I'm not ready to have kids. It's my life and I remind myself of that when she starts to get to me. Then I am able to let it go. Because it's really about her stuff, and what she feels are her failures in her life.