BPDRecovery.com: Forums

This is my first post to BPDRecovery: forums. I have BPD. My old therapist diagnosed me with it, but didn't want to put it in my chart. He thought it would be best to keep it private.

I'm a spiritual teacher. I have a small group of students that come over to my home twice a week to study with me and pray. One of my students has BPD (a mental health professional in my group diagnosed her). Last night she had one of her "fits". Occasionally, things set her off, and she starts talking abusively to me, accusing me of all sorts of terrible things, and working herself into a state of extreme emotional distress.

Myself, I've been working on (with the help of my therapist) learning that it's okay to verbally defend myself when I am being attacked. All my life I have been afraid of confrontation. Well, last night, I fought back and defended myself. And the result - I've felt horrible since then. I hate this woman student. I am thinking of ending the group. I figure I created the group to create a place for people to pray and learn about God, not a place for people to abuse me, nor a place for people to "act out".

I feel awful. I have deep, powerful feelings of anger and hatred toward this woman for speaking to me in such a cruel and disrespectful way. I'm thinking of tossing her out of the group. However, generally speaking, she has been a good friend of mine. That is why I feel really betrayed by her in a big way. When her BPD kicks in, she goes crazy, and abuses me (and the rest of the people in the group). I don't feel I can just "let her off the hook" by saying she had an episode . . . I mean we're all adults and we're responsible for the way we treat other people. I have BPD and I don't yell at people.

I put a call into my therapist to see if he could talk to me today.

Any suggestions for me?

Thanks.

You can always say that she isn't welcome anymore. This is in your home and you have every right to not allow someone in.

I suggest Anne Katherine's book, "Boundaries."

Fighting back just gets you down on her level. I'm not surprised you feel bad. It's possible to have a boundary that allows you to continue to behave according to your values. "If you behave in a way I find abusive in my home, I will ask you to leave." Or, "If you behave in a way I find abusive in the group again, I will not include you in future groups."

i am sorry for your issues, but umm...i dont care for your description that we have "fits". no we dont. something might have triggered her and if you could separate her from you and see it that way, it would help.

this had nothing to do with you or who you are.

we dont "go crazy".

set boundaries on what you allow and follow thru.

and i will try to not have a "fit" . i find that very demeaning. however, that is your issue and not mine to own.

you are owning her "fit".

I have no problem with having some of my past behavior described as "fits" or "going crazy," so I would prefer to not be included in the "we" who find those terms offensive. I hope that this thread doesn't get side-tracked into a debate regarding who does or does not take certain terms personally, for Montalk's sake.

im not, Ann. i only would like some respectful words used, as it is important for all of us to not think of ourselves, or others think of us, in negative terms.

im glad you dont. i do. i will use the word I from now on.

however, i used the term "we" to say any person with bpd does not have "fits". i was using we as any person with bpd and will change how i worded that in the future.

if montaulk views someone with a mental issue as having a "fit" it might stand in the way of her own coping or dealing with it.

it is really about each of our boundaries and what behavior we allow and how we respond to it.

I'm skeptical about this group, but I am going to answer with the information you have given.

I suggest you talk to her one-on-one and let her know that what she is doing is unacceptable. Let her know it will not be tolerated in any way, and if it happens again, she will be forced to leave the group. A disruption such as she is causing affects the other people in the group, in negative and profound ways. They didn't sign up for that. It's unfair to subject them to it.

Set boundaries. Do what's right for the group as a whole.

For the record, the wording you used is ok with me. Welcome to BPDR.

I can't find a definition of "fit" that is negative, at least not any more negative than other terms that might be used to describe the kind of out-of-control attack that Montalk has apparently endured.

"fit" is like.....

oh this will hijack this thread. i can think of better words to use...but i only said my own opinion..nothing to do with anyone else here.

my own opinion only. no one elses. repeated.

when we are triggered, i guess one could call it a fit but that strikes me as a convulsion or something. it isnt a fit,...its a emotional response to a deep hurt and is owned by the person doing it. we can learn to set boundaries and not own their emotions.

"""seizure, or any other sudden occurrence of a symptom or unusual behavior.""" so we all have fits, eh? lol. ok. i will go with that. think i might actually use that if i need to when another person here acts out on the board. "dont have a fit on here" lol. "why are you having a fit?"

lol. ok. i will go along with that. ya convinced me!

Blowing up?
Going off?
Exploding?
Losing it?

Whatever we want to call it, it's acting out behavior that is unpleasant and inappropriate and unhealthy. As much as people may care about us and want to help us, that sort of hostile behavior does not need to be tolerated. I learned far more from the people who would NOT put up with my crap than I did from the people who played "nice".

I started another post re: having a "fit."

You are right Minx. After I learned that some of the office staff at my T's office complained to him about me, I learned very quickly how to behave properly.

The thing about dealing with people who have Borderline is: boundaries with consequences!

In order to best relate with folks, clearly communicate what the boundary is and what the consequences of violation will be. Both things must be clearly conveyed directly to the person.

"If you speak to me in an abusive manner again, you will be removed from the group."

The boundary should be about what you find acceptable. It's not so much "change this behaviour!" as it is "this is what I will tolerate."

The consequence MUST be something that you can and will enforce. If you communicate the boundary/consequence, they violate the boundary and you don't enforce the consequence, you may as well have saved your breath from the very beginning.

Remember that it's best to avoid taking action when we're in HALT stages. In this case, you're quite angry so, if possible, wait until you're less angry before confronting her about this.