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From the DSM-IV criteria:
identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

It's been coming on for a while now, but we may have finally pinned it down today.
I don't know who the hell I am today.

This year has been full of all sorts of changes. Me setting out to make a life for myself, exerting my influence on the universe. OK, that sounded pretentious...things like - I bought myself a car that I wanted with my own money and my own financing. I've been wrapping up the redecorating at my house - my colors and my style. I finally walked away from Cat-shit Man. I started going back to my AA meetings. I'm doing things for ME. Some days I feel like the future is wide-open. I can do whatever I want to do. I can become my own person!
Some days that's a beautiful feeling. Some days it's downright terrifying.

I can try anything I want? What do I want? Who am I? Where am I going and how did I get in this handbasket?
How much of me is real and how much did I just "borrow" from someone else?

I broke out a separate persona when I was about 14/15 years old. The person I grew up as was NOT working out, so I needed to be someone else instead. Someone sexy and powerful and tough...I remade myself into Minx. Nothing as drastic as a dissociative identity, yet a distinct and separate persona with a life of her own. And I lived that way for years. After I quit drinking, I started the recovery process, the healing process. I was able to identify and discard aspects of my life that obviously didn't fit, didn't make sense. I thought I was doing great, and I suppose that (considering the circumstances) I was.

As I move into this new phase of self-discovery, I become more and more unsure of myself. I'm destabilizing in some ways, even as I achieve greater confidence and self-reliance. I'm a lot more reactive, paranoid, frightened, angry. I've been asking my T for several weeks now what he thinks about how I'm doing - I never did that before. I just don't trust myself. I don't trust my thoughts, I don't trust my feelings. I don't know what to believe anymore. And most of all, I don't believe in ME.

Not sure where this is going. Probably as much a check-in as anything else. If that's what's going on, it's part of the BPD and so part of the healing process. I'm just scared...

That damn question with the ever changing answer!

I remember some time ago Minx that I started a thread with exactly the same title.

I went to look but couldn't find it in the archive but one thing I remember someone saying to me that I have reeated to myself ever since is "You are right where you need to be on your journey" (I wish I could find the post to make sure I gave credit to the poster)

I have hit many, many, periods of self doubt over the course of my journey and all I do know is that it generally a period of growth. A time of reflecting and learning and checking in with myself. For me often follows a period of situational change.

I know it's hard to do Minx but what I try to do is keep connecting with now and allow the process to continue with as little or no self judgement as I can afford myself. Even if that means telling myself "I am ok and doing just fine!"

I see a lot of similarities in our paths and our backgrounds, which is why I think I post to you a lot. I think I identify so much with your feelings and it seems like we are in similar places in life right now. I am kindof feeling around trying to see what fits me, and making some mistakes along the way, of course.

I kinda did the same thing, but mine came a bit later, around 15/16. I don't see mine as breaking out into a separate persona as much as I see that psychologically I rebelled against my parents and all they knew... and took a sideroad into what I now consider destruction. This is a very common path for girls who have no fathers. They run straight for the baddies, it seems to be the natural order of things. But it seems like we ended up in much the same place... as a dancer, and with a guy who had no future and did not really care - about himself, growth, or me, (not sure if that is so about Cat-shit Man, but mine I think had worse habits than he did, although of course, I'm not sure). He was a pot-smoker, a drinker, a bar musician, and lived by an anti-growth, live-for-the-moment philosophy, (kindof like I was at the time, but I didn't really know the difference. He was self-defined.)

Then, after that was over, I knew I was leaving. I just didn't know where I was going. Talk about feeling lost.... I had nothing. No home, no plans, no bf, no friends, no career, no life. I was afraid beyond words - afraid to leave the house. I stayed with my parents until I figured it out. And that's how I ended up here.... in California, with a really good guy. I was determined to find someone I liked. Just one person. I guess that reminds me of the saying Ash and my bf live by, Everything Happens for a Reason. Maybe it does, because I ended up in a better place.

When there are times where things are uncertain, it's frightening at first to explore new territories. It has been for me. I also experienced some paranoia and was definitely very reactive and angry for a long time. That's around the time I joined this site. I was out-of-my-head from the fear and the changes going on. In just a couple of years, I lost everything I had, (well, it started with my friends, then my job, then my bf, then my home and animals), and found my bf and moved 3,000 miles away. The thing is, now that I have done it, it doesn't seem nearly as frightening to explore more. It's so much different now that I have been successful at developing a few things on my own.

Now, I'm in your boat in the same way that I really don't know exactly what I will become. But I'm enjoying setting goals and them working to meet them. Maybe do the exercise I did? It really seemed to help me a lot to define what was important for me, and what I really wanted.

I'm finding that you DO have some things You have created. Your job, your friends (neighbors), your cats, your home (which you recently redecorated). You did that all yourself. I think although you seem to feel like you don't know who you are, you seem to have a basis and some beliefs, and you've created some things. I know it's a tough time charting into unknown territory, but I am thinking you have a few things to call your own - some things you can hang on to when times get rough. Friends, this site, your home, your job, your animals, your new car, your t. You've made some good decisions for yourself - rejoining AA, making the final decision that your ex isn't right for the new you.

I think the discarding of the old is what is the cause of these feelings, and that over time, you will rebuild and come back much stronger than before. That's basically how it has been for me. It takes a little time, though, to grieve the old and feel good again. Just hang on and work through it as much as you can.

Minx, do you think perhaps your recovery is leading you to the original, genuine girl inside, and that it is frightening you all to hell? jim

I related to your post so much. I think when ones core selfs' development is arrested early in life.......and she gets locked away, hidden and denied, when you get back to that original self (after long-term therapy), it's hard to know what paths she would have chosen, what things she would have done, what her likes and dislikes were etc; had she had the opportunity to just be herself back then. For me personally, my core self is a small child and what she would like, really wouldn't go down too well - a child in an adults body! I also struggle greatly with this genuine self stuff. I have no great words of wisdom for you. Just wanted you to know that I understand where you're coming from. All the best to you.

Amanda