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I have had another experience which reinforces my belief that WHATEVER I do/react it doesn't work
for me.I am looking for advice/coping techniques instead of having to flee which I did today. I am happy
with myself that I didn't make a scene which is progress!

The situation is that I have a very good male friend named S who until recently was very much like me-quiet, and
not very social. S is my main friend and social support. Recently S has made new friends and THAT is not the part
that bothers me. He has tried to integrate me with his new group but these girls 2 of them are rude to me/talk about plans
that I'm not invited too. Today I had it! They showed up at the coffee shop we were at and monopolised the conversation,
dragging S into thier drama with their other female friend. (I can see why they have problems with other women from the way they act with me!
S said that he would go have a smoke with them and told them after that he would be leaving
because WE had plans.

It just became intolerable for me.I react very strongly to being ignored/disrespected. Its something that I won't tolerate.
I got up and left didn't say a word and walked home.
I was very upset didn't hear S call out to me. I was seeing RED and thinking very
irrationally. When S came home (we live together strictly platonic) he got angry at me for leaving him at the coffee shop.
He had no idea I was mad at them which surprised me since we have been friends and roommates a long time. He said that he is sick of my drama/doesn't know how to help me etc.
I don't want to lose his friendship.
Its very frustrating to me because even when I am nice,sociable I can't connect with people. It makes me feel bad about myself and I am very depressed:(

Maybe the title is misleading? It should be how to cope
with rude people without hauling off and kicking them in
the head! Does no good to be nice ha!

I know you were hurt and mad at the girls, sourpuss, but ...why did you leave S there?

I have the same question as Jr. If he had already told them that he had plans with you, why would you leave him. Isn't that sorta like taking his friends actions out on him?

I can relate to feeling out of place in social situations and not "connecting" with others. Most people view me as stand-offish, stuck up, or unapproachable. It isn't that I am stuck up, but I think I do come across as stand-offish. IMO, others can sense that from my mannerisms and demeanor. It isn't necessarily that I set out to be this way. I have trust and rejection issues which make it difficult for me to open up and let my guard down around people I don't know. Maybe you may be sending out the same vibe.

Also, your feelings that his friends are rude and disrespectful are just your perception of reality... not how things actually are. I don't know them, so maybe they are intentionally rude and disrespectful. That is their stuff though... not yours and has no bearing on who you are as a person. People are people though, some we like, some we don't, and some we don't care about one way or the other. You can't change them, so maybe you should work on radically accepting the situation.

BTW... are you worried that S will abandon you for these new friends?

I am not passing judgement or anything... just giving my 2 cents.

I left him there because I wanted to make a statement that THIS bothered me .I felt like if
I stayed there I would be accepting?condoning poor treatment. What I should have done is walk up to them
and tell S I was leaving. I was acting from my emotional mind rather than my rational one.

SP

Thats okay:) I didn't think that you were.

SP

Sorry if my post is hard to read. I haven't been able to master the quote
function adequately yet

SP

I believe that a true friend is one that sticks around for the long haul... someone that knows your crap, you know theirs, and you still love about each other anyway. This doesn't mean that there won't be rough patches or that there won't be times when one or both won't push the other away. True friends always come back to one another.
(Keep in mind, this is not including toxic friends or frenemys.)
You say S is a good friend to you, and if you truly feel that way, do you really think you will lose his long standing friendship to new people?

There are two ways of dealing with abandonment issues (IMO) and they are polar opposites. A person will either push someone away, or they will cling to the other for dear life. Neither of which are healthy for eithr party involved, and a lot of times, reacting in this way pushes the people we love away. Do you think that maybe you are starting to "cling" to him more?

We all act emotionally at times, and we all struggle with how to handle situations. I know there have been times I wanted to just jump across a table and choke someone because I perceived they were disrespectful to me. It isn't abnormal... just something that we all must work on.

At least you realize that you were acting emotionally and not rationally; some people can't even see that after the fact. Isn't that a good sign? Maybe you should give yourself a little credit.

If he acts differently around them, that is still his stuff. I know that I act differently around different people. I am much more comfortable around my close friends, so of course I can be truly myself. When I am around acquiantances or new friends I don't feel like I can truly be myself.... goofy, clumsy, my idea of funny, etc.. Maybe he feels the same way.

Yes that describes my friendship with S. We have each seen each other at our worst and always come back to each other. That why I was a
little surprised when he said that he was tired of my drama. He knows me pretty well or so I thought.






Yes I am definetely clinging to him more. I feel like these girls are taking away my best social support. I know I need to make new friends and not rely on S so much. Its very hard and friendships don't come easily to me. I have long term abandonment/trust issues these type of situations seem to bring this up for me. I remember in highschool when one of my good friends had to change out of our english class to another class. I was so devastated! It didn't matter to me that she was still in the same school. I felt settled with her in the class and whe she transferred, it was the end of the world. I didn't take into consideration that it suited her schedule better. She was making a decision that made my life more uncomfortable and I just couldn't tolerate it. The friendship ended becasue I couldn't take the disappointment.



So how did you put the brakes on these feelings without allowing them to take over? WHen I am in that state I react from my emotions, how do you stop this? I am glad I recognise that I am acting from an emotional mind, maybe that is some progress.Progress not perfection!

Thanks!

SP