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Actually, I'm looking for resources or support groups for friends, family and "significant others" of persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I'm dating a man who's a trauma/abuse survivor. He has mild DID. He's doing everything he needs to do, and managing very well at the moment. It doesn't bother me at all. Doesn't scare me. Doesn't disturb me. But I'd like to get information and connections made now, in case there are points in the future when things aren't going so well.

Can anyone recommend any support groups or web sites or discussion boards for SOs dealing with DID partners? I found a few great ones, including The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder. Pretty helpful stuff.
I know this is a little out of our scope, but you never know what other people might know. thanks.

I have a handful of on-line friends who have the DID/MPD dx, a few of whom I have met (and I've actually been in a 3d setting with numerous people with the DX- a group of us from the net that got together). I have not, however, gone as far as to seek out a support group for myself as a friend of those with the DX. Mostly, I have asked my questions to my friends and just done a little bit of reading.

I'm sure one reason I've not bothered is that while I have spent many hours with them, it hasn't been 3d and therefore what comes up is dealt with eventually.

I've never really been bothered by the switching that takes place tho there are times of course when I wonder 'why this' or 'what happened' but a conversation or review of events usually works all that out. And learning more about which parts do and are likely to come out in your presence (something truly only the individual can provide.)

I think the amount of support you need will be based, to some degree, on how open he is in discussing his DX with you. I really don't think there is a better way to cope with and learn about it- it is so vast and can vary so much.


Are you concerned about the Dx's impact on your relationship? Are you concerned about how he copes with it? Is there specific information you are looking for? Is he open to discussing it? Is it a curiosity factor or a concern/fear factor that has you looking into support groups?

Thanks for the link. I thought it was pretty interesting.

Very interesting website. Would have found it very valuable when I was first learning about DID. I hope you continue to find more resources. I have found the whole subject very interesting- to learn what we are capable of and how we manage to function / then not, under such conditions- abuse/ then DID.

I'm not particularly concerned about the impact to our relationship. I do suspect that there could be some rough days, but that goes for me, too. In that context, I'm more concerned about my BPD than I am his DID.

My interest is a lot more about information than it is fear. I want to know what sort of condition I'm dealing with. I want to know if there's anything i should keep an eye on. I want to know what I can do to help, and if there's anything I shouldn't do (because it wouldn't help). I know how helpful my 12-step work and this board have been for me, and I'd like to find somewhere to share this experience as well.

He's fairly open about it, now that I know. He didn't really want to tell me, hoping it was under control, but he had a bit of a breakdown and switched...Now we can talk about it. I hate to ask too many questions, but I'm really curious and concerned.

I've met both alters. One is mostly integrated and the other is still pretty independent. So far, we get along well enough, and the switching is not a constant thing. I've even been allowed to ask for one to come back after we were "interrupted" in the middle of the conversation. It's just a little hard because there is the amnesia that goes along with switching - I'm never sure how much I should share of the other conversations (so far I go for total honesty). I'm also learning what the big triggers can be. I'll never know them all, but I can avoid the really obvious ones. Let's just say that, no matter what Jon thinks, we won't be playing any sex games any time soon...Jonathan told me loud and clear how he feels about that.

I just...It really seems pretty natural to me, now that I know what's going on and who is involved. I mean, it's all the same man that I care about. Just that his personality flips are a little more disjointed than mine. We all have our different facets, our different situational persona. His are just splintered. With my unstable self-image, I'm not as far off as it might look on the surface.

I don't feel like a caretaker, I don't feel like a nurse. I just feel like I have a partner who's got problems not that different from my own, and may need a supportive shoulder once in a while.

This has been a concern for me also. Usually I don't offer anything unless it is asked; tho, once in a while I may miss the sign of the switch and say something that leaves the other person lost- since they weren't there; the one I was dealing with at the time.

If I slip up and say something, or if I feel it's important, I am always honest about what transpired. Being secretive; twisting things around and blaming seem to be the hardest for my friends with DID to deal with- is what got them to split in the first place. So, yep for me, there is some extra work, and also some compromise in the relationship since twisting and blaming are two of my weak spots. But, the openness we have is part of what makes the friendship work. Many times we are able to observe the identical behavior in the other, but they are inward with it; while I am outward with it. We have learned a lot from each other.



I love hearing this. I have always felt this way about the people I've gotten to know with DID. I don't see them as person a, b, c - and perhaps at times this makes it hard when it should not be. (Which isn't to say I don't deal with who is out at the time. If I have distingushed it.)



Sometimes they aren't for one of my friends. I pretty much try to key in on what their discussion is focused on. (since a lot of this is net, I dont have the privelge of body language to give me clues.) Or on their manner of speech.

Recently in one conversation my friend was using one word repeatedly and finally said- sorry, but x is still toward the front as I was just playing games with my little brother. I was appreciative that she said something. I an seldom bothered by the switching unless it is very dramatic and I have not placed that fact- that they have switched. With one person switches are never too dramatic; with another there was one alter that was very comfortable with me and the switch was always readily identifiable. With one friend; she is very aware (most often) of who is out or sharing time out and hence copes mostly on her own. I have told them that I would love to get to know the others better, but, that is something that will only come with time. They still are not all that comfortable with the whole idea of it themself.

Does he ever speak of 'us'? My friend only does on rare occassion and it indicates that a) there is a lot of switching going on in recent days and b) that she is not comfortable with it. Sorta of comment about her being 'a freak' (tho not said and not how I view DID). Usually she retreats at these times.

I am most comfortable when people can't tell that I am mental so I work hard at passing for normal. I would not want someone close to me making an issue out of my mental health but then I don't seem to be comfortable enough around many people or allow myself to become close enough for them to see the switching very often. I don't like hearing about it so it would make me uncomfortable to know that it was obvious to someone. I think the main reason I have such a low tolerance for therapy is that therapists can see things that I had not thought were visible outside of my head and I don't like being "caught" by someone who knows what is happening. I do better when I can keep the secret.

This topic starts messing with my head and causes the movement to block my vision. I don't like being triggered so I should not read them.

That's fine, Denim. You've got quite enough on your plate without any of my mess. In some ways, it's tough enough being on the outside. I can't imagine living on the inside...

It has been interesting - I've met everybody now. And we all seem to be OK with each other, kind of. Jon doesn't like Jonathan (the protector) because Jonathan hasn't always protected him in healthy ways and Jon gets to live with the ongoing consequences of that. And he doesn't trust Jonathan with me, even though we get along just fine. Jonny is about 14-15 and he's getting a crush on me...But we're doing the best we can.

Jonathan will speak of "we". Jonny will talk about "us". Jon speaks of "me" and "I". The switching in and of itself doesn't really bother me at all. I do once in a while have to check who I'm with, but most of the time, it's pretty obvious. I got a phone message from Jonathan one day (and I knew immediately it was a bad day!) and the difference was astounding. I guess I don't notice it as much in person. Jon made me play the message for him, and he really had a hard time with it. He's switching a lot more on his bad days now and that can get scary just because it's a change. I wonder if some of it is that I'm "safe"...?

Wow ! You have learned a lot about Jon and his system.

I am curious as to whether you know if it is common for a protector to not always protect in a healthy way. At first when I read that, I thought, hmm, interesting, and yet, now as I ponder it more, I do believe that is quite common.

I think some of the protectors I've had experience with are actually protecting from rejection of ingrained untruths (trying to say here, that protectors have bought into the belief that harm or abuse are deserved and necessary. This is how to stay in the good graces of the abuser or is based on abusers logic..... I cannot quite explain this clearly nor succintly.)

Another thought that you probably already have explored and have experience/thoughts with... protector doesnt trust Jonathan with you, because people being 'nice' can mean, Jonathan later gets hurt ? - or on the other hand, Jonathan associating with nice people isnt allowed, may mean being found "out" ?

The breakdown of who uses what terminology is very enlightening to me. Thanks for sharing that, (and all else you are learning.)

Switching on bad days, yep, is super common. Does he ever talk of the excessive 'noise' going on? and/or the internal 'fight' ? It usually takes days or weeks, for my friend, depending on what spurned it, for things to settle down. If flashbacks are occuring, it can go on for quite awhile.

In my experience, the last statement is very much correct. They are working out what is safe and ok for Jon ... each relates to you differently and that puts them in conflict with the other, and Jon is trying to get them all to work together, which means approaching each with another way of viewing you/your relationship.

I once told a friend I found DID very intriguing and she got extremely pissed. At that time she had been fairly recently diagnosed. Thing was, she spent a lot of time discussing with me what was going on with her system, and, tho that was very healthy and positive for her she saw my statement in negative light. That didnt feel good, that she thought I was there for entertainment or such. We discussed it tho and she understood I was saying that, having to learn the system and how to effectively manage everyone's role really takes some doing.

One thing I have noticed for myself, the more I am around the person, the less I spot the switching. I think I just became comfortable with the nuiances of each personality, and to me the person was still just the person.

In one situation that is current, I do believe there is extreme differences on how a couple in the system view me, and I do think this creates a lot of havoc for the person and carries over into our friendship.

I appreciate you sharing all of this Minx, ty. In your coming to understand Jon and from your reading are you finding that particular roles are related to particular age ranges? Like do you know (cause I think I have read this somewhere) that for example, protectors normally fall into a particular age group? and the practical/get it done into another, etc ?

I believe my exbf had DID... He heard voices inside his head and he would say sometimes it was getting "very loud" in there. He would surround himself with excessive noise sometimes - loud music - in an attempt to drown out the voices.

I'm sorry I have no resources to refer you to. My ex was undiagnosed... no treatment of any kind for anything, ever. I only have a question:

Can anyone describe to me what it looks like when they switch?

Any particular signs... headaches, rapidly shifting eyes, confusion. Anything in particular? What does it look like?

-B

I really can't answer the question as far as signs as I've not been around it that much - few days - other than via puter.

I can say that there were very noticable / obvious changes in the persons appearance, yet this was mainly due to the age to which she switched to hence I do not feel that it is a good indicator because not all switches relate to age changes.

If you are just exploring DID you may want to do some searches and get more info as what you describe, while very possibly related to DID, is really not enough to begin to make that assumption without a lot more other evidence. What I mean is that voices and a lot of noise are not enough alone to determin that someone has DID; that can be tied to hallocenations which may cover a whole range of other things- it may be drug induced or from prolonged exposure to severe weather conditions- ie freezing; extreme heat or even just extreme changes in body temperature due to physical exertion and lack of properly tending to ones body via nutrition; hydration and protection.

my daughter does have voices, and her pdr and all the tests show one of 2 things, which he says is still debatable in pdr circles.

it can be extreme mania in bipolar 1.

it can mean schizophrenia.

she is dxed with both....or "traits of" actually of the S.

unfortunately, S and bipolar 1 look almost the same at times. i would have no idea how to tell it apart, except for which meds work the best maybe. im not sure it matters, honestly. she actually thinks she is both. shrug* we may never know.

i would think a dx of DID needs to come from testing, good assesment, and a history of behavioral traits. childhood trauma. changes in voice, outward looks, memory lapses or time lost, things like that.

No, no - the voices are *inside* his head... I believe that rules out psychoses. They are voices talking inside his head... not voices he hears coming from outside himself. He said one of them is a woman, so I had the impression there are regular characters in there.

I thought he merely had BPD, but began to suspect DID as we became closer. He doesn't fit the bi-polar profile and certainly isn't schizophrenic. Sometimes he was very much a little boy and would speak like one... and the closer we became, the more I would see of his 'bully' persona - a cold-hearted, uh, prick who did not like me at all.

One time it seemed as if the child called and invited me over and, when I arrived, the bully answered the door and proceeded to throw me out. ??? I realize BPD causes great inconsistency of moods, but I thought this was a bit over the top.

please know i was only posting my only experience with someone hearing voices. my daughters are also inside her head, and there is many , so she says. hers are from a brain chemical imbalance...tho.

however, i was not implying anything about your bf, just her experience about voices.

Yes, I understand. Your information contradicts what I've been told regarding if voices come from outside vs. inside. Anyway, thank you for the info and I wish you the best with managing your daughter's illness.

And I'm not meaning to hi-jack the thread, here. Sorry.

-B

I have avoided this topic lately. I am not going to avoid it now. According to the sources I have read, it is unhealthy for a person with bpd to place themselves in an environment with a person who has DID. I totally disagree with this relationship, and according to posts you have made before, you are not having relationships with successful people because you don't think you are good enough to. I see this as an enabling relationship, and one you need to put aside and move forward to creating relationships that will move you forward in your own growth.

Now back to the original topic...
I've known two other people with DID. Jon is the third. It's different with everyone, but the thing I've noticed the most is that there is a point where the people I know have...tuned out...for a second or so, then when the conversation starts up again, it's different. I've spoken to Jon on the phone, gotten to his apartment to find Jonathan waiting for me. Or hanging out in bed with Jon when Jonny comes 'round. Change in tone of voice, change in facial expression, change in how he wears his glasses, change in musical taste.

Have you ever noticed that as you get to know the person more, you are less inclined to spot the changes as readily ? Do you find yourself staying vigilant for those changes or are they easily identifiable?

I am thinking that noticing changes has a lot to do with how co-conscious the person is. The more co-conscious the harder they work at staying present themself.

It seems like (to me) I spot the changes more easily because I know what they are. Almost like a yellow traffic signal means that the light is about to turn red - I don't even think about it because I know what it means. I see him zone (thousand yard stare or fluttering eyelids or nodding head) and I just know that someone else is on their way. I just don't know who, yet. I can only tell that when they get there, and it's not as easy now that Jonny's been growing up.

It's been interesting watching the way they all interact. Some days there's a lot of cooperation. Not so much other days. I can have trouble picking up on the switch when he's "speed switching" and when they are more co-conscious. I don't know that's so much because anyone is fighting to stay present as much as it that the boundaries that keep them separate become blurry.

betty sue, i am gonna post something to you in a new thread, so i wont hijack minx's.

I think that switching happens with very little external evidence unless someone knows what they are looking for and realizes what the changes signify. Some people are not able to hold themselves together well, especially under stress, and it can become evident from the outside but most of the time switching can happen very smoothly, according to what I have read, and it is not as much a freak show as some people make it out to be. Most people do not get "caught" until they are in their thirties or later, even though they have had symptoms since early childhood, which demonstrates that there must be a high level of skill in keeping the secret. It is not something to be shared with many people because it will undoubtedly be used against us.

As far as the "voices" are concerned, they are not audible at all, although they do have a particular style of speech that can seem quite foreign to a person's own way of thinking. They are more like thoughts that speak to you and conflict with your own thoughts so that there is often a lot of arguments going on over what you are thinking at any time. I thought this was normal "internal-dialogue" until I realized that the "voices" did not seem to be my thoughts at all and seemed to instead come from elsewhere (such as with spirit possession). Whenever I have been asked if I "hear voices" on a psych test, I always indicate that I don't because the "voices" are not auditory voices and therefore can not be heard with the ears. People who "hear" voices are experiencing auditory hallucinations and DID is not the same type of break with reality as psychosis.

From what I have read, about 50% of people with DID can also be diagnosed as having BPD because the disorders are so similar. My former therapist described DID as "a severe form of BPD" with more dissociative symptoms and not as many behavioral symptoms as BPD. Therapists will often see enough traits of BPD that the BPD label is used and then sticks so that the DID can stay hidden for many years. I don't know what it is about getting older that causes the DID to become more symptomatic but I do know that being in therapy can exacerbate the symptoms. Some people believe that this is the natural progression in the therapeutic process but I personally don't want to go through that process myself.

It is scary to think that it might be apparent from the outside when switching is occuring because it is hard to know what is happening internally at those times. I get this "movement" in my head and then I "lose it" but I don't know what that looks like to others. I hope it is not obvious because I would not want anyone knowing that I "lose it" when I do. There are times I can go into a trance state and seem "blank" but I think that is different than the "switching" thing. The more I think about it the more confused I can become so I don't want to think about it any more right now.

Years ago I attended a lecture given by Dr. Thigpen, author of the book, The Three Faces of Eve, which was made into a movie. He was Eve's therapist, and he showed a film of her taken during sessions. It was very obvious when she changed to someone else. She closed her eyes, looked down, and when she opened them, she talked like another person. Her mannerisms were different since Eve White was very meek, while Eve Black was the opposite. It was fascinating to hear Dr. Thigpen explain how he treated Eve and see the film.

For those not familiar with her story, Eve (I think that was a pseudonym) successfully integrated the 2 personalities (I guess they would be called alters today) into someone she called Jane. She later wrote a book about her life, and she seemed healthy and integrated. In her case, what cured her was to discover, through therapy, traumatic events and abuse that she was unconsciously suppressing. I haven't read the book or seen the movie in years, so I hope I have the facts correct. What I will never forget is Dr. Thigpen's lecture and the films he showed. Eve was not a freak; he made it very clear that she had reasons for her behavior, and how much he accepted each "personality".

Is it possible to have DID and not lose time? My ex said he was never aware of having lost time... but he was also often drunk.

I don't know, he was definitely Borderline, plus he had internal voices. Definitely not Bi-polar, not even rapid cycling Bi-polar; that did not fit.

If he had DID, he seemed to be either unaware of it or he would not admit to it. He claimed he never lost time. But he did have the internal voices and he constantly referred to himself as 'we'. He was physically and emotionally abused by his BPD mother. And his moods were so extremely labile at times, his inconsistency could be so sudden and extreme.

As I said, he spoke markedly like a child sometimes... I just recall that, one time, it was actually as if a little boy had called me. He was exactly like a very little boy. I asked him if he was hearing the voices and he almost started to cry. He told me not to mention them because it would "wake them up". He wanted me to come over and when I arrived (though it was some time later) I was greeted by a cold, hard man and, seriously, he literally threw me out - for no reason - after having invited me over. The man who opened that door was not the kid who called me. Or, at least, these are some very extreme mood swings.

I seem to also remember him seeming confused sometimes and maybe shifting his eyes or head from side to side. I'd ask him if he had a headache then and he would say yes. I read switching can cause headaches.

Anyway, I'd appreciate your thoughts as to whether his behavior was too extreme to be simple BPD... and if it seems to fit in with DID.

betty sue

i can appreciate you wanting to understand what you were dealing with as it sounds as tho the mood extremes amongst other things made the relationship very difficult; however no one here is able to provide anything other than a 'guess' based on very limited info.. even a professional would not be anxious to label your bf.

minx -

i really appreciate the interest and effort you have taken to learn about DID and how it impacts your Bf's (and your) life. i am sure it is helping you manage the relationship and is very beneficial for you in learning to manuever your own stuff within the relationship. (sometimes ive wondered why , lol, i have been involved, when it takes a lil more than other relationships, and yet they have been the most beneficial relationships for me)

i think perhaps i phrased what i was trying to say poorly as when you responded to my comment about the person with DID working harder to stay present you used the word 'fight'. i dont feel that the person, in familiar and constant relationships- such as you with your bf, and me in closer friendships, works as hard as with others to stay present; but I do believe that anyone who is working on their dissocation does have work to do in staying present and not letting others come forward. This is just a normal part of their daily life and therefore they are more co-conscious of their alters hence will do what they must to keep them under wraps for the particular occassion. the fact that you know jon better or that i know my friends better than others doesnt change the overall goal/game plan for them- for them to be present as often as possible. (btw i have had one alter present itself repeatedly when i visited so that had its own unique spin)

i agree there can be little nuiances in speech or behavior that can indicate a switch is on- topic of conversation as well as more pronounced styles of speech also are indicators. once ive identified a change i can usually spot it again. the thing is- it is still 'the person' i know.