BPDRecovery.com: Forums

April - Dad
May - sis in laws Dad
June - friend of H's

All dead (both dads) /dying (friend) from cancer.

Until my dad cancer has been something others deal with. Closest one to me before that was my ex-boss, whom I didnt really get a chance to know- he stopped working to start his treatments the same week I got hired. He passed away approx 9 months later. I did get to see him on and off and did get glimpses of his wisdom as well as his generous heart. There was also a friend of H's about 2 years ago.

I'm use to deaths coming in groups - sorta - but I guess with age it hits much harder. My H has lost numerous friends and I've lost numerous family members that were part of our core family (holidays etc) over the past 8 years.

Just is feeling a bit odd. Especially as this past week I've been dealing again with the grief/finality of settling dads house and selling it. I know it 'is' and I know it's all ok and I will be ok, but, facing it just feels really tough.

They so often do come in groups.. especially groups of three. I know it's an old legend, but it seems to hold up again and again. And it really is tough facing it, Smilin'. No point trying to minimize the power of those emotions and thought patterns. It's just tough. And we have a constant reminder that it's really out of our hands altogether. It sucks to not be able to influence stuff like that. You seem to be making very effective choices about how you respond to this painful stuff. That is a victory in itself. Making good choices in tough times. Nice goin'.

(((Smilin)))

Sorry you are having to deal with so much!
Grief is tough hon. Take extra great care of you!

My prayers are with you. I am still trying to ignore the compulsion to join Sandra. I am not sure people who said death was your just reward have done me a service. Maybe I am just on the pity pot. I will try to be as brave as you. I do know reaching out helps. This board is really saving me.

Thank you, all.

Yep, IBF, not having control and watching it hit, one, two, three has not been easy. Realized yesterday afternoon that there have been 4 deaths in 4 months. Lost an uncle in March, but it wasnt cancer related. 1 out of 4.

Tracy, thank you. This one seems to be harder than some of the recent past. Had lost 3-4 other relatives in a short period few years back and the impact of that wasnt quite as difficult. But, also have had more losses/various types from that time until now, so as I saw via a friends griefing, it seems they start to build upon each other. Something I didn't really comprehend until all this occurred.

Rainbowalways. Thanks for taking the time to post thru your own grief. I am sure it is even more difficult to deal with the loss of Sandra, your partner. Hard to lose the stability, comfort, love and connection that she brought.

I dunno if you are asking why but honestly, I think that is the mot natural to ask, but also the most difficult to deal with. Acceptance. And for me, what helps is focusing on the very little simple everyday things in my life. That is one thing that has changed for me during these last few months- past year. Getting back to basics vs some bigger picture/meaning.

I hope you can find peace and comfort soon. I know it is really difficult, atm, but keep taking it a day - even a minute and hour- at a time.


Seems that final closing of the door is what has had me since my dad's death. The giving up of that comfort, security and familiarity. So, atm, am trying to accept it and remind myself of other things that provide me those things. Trying to be grateful that I had all that for as long as I did.

To an extent, however, you are the doorkeeper here aren't ya?

I mean yes, you will have to accept loss of a physical presence, to a point. You can no longer run over and get a hug or have a food fight whenever you want. But you can have all the same conversations, all the same feelings, all the same learnings that you would in their physical presence. I really think we get to decide about the door. When to close it, if at all. How far to close it if we keep it partly open. And frankly, our mind will decide for us without being willing to debate it.

So I suppose our choice is to be sad about them being gone, or to be grateful about them being present in another form.

I was quite surprised at my reaction to losing my older sister one year ago. This left me as the sole survivor of my Family of Origin. We weren't really close for most of our lives, but we did have pretty much the same relationship in our 60s as we did in childhood. We accepted each other's strengths and limitations and tried to help and support each other however we could. During her last two years, and following my drastic marriage breakup, she called me and we talked daily when I finished work at night. At times this felt a little like an obligation, but most times not.Her health was failing faster than mine and I tried to be helpful without being critical. Was not always successful with that, but the things I learned here helped immensely with that relationship.

For months after she died, I'd be driving home from work and thinking about the conversation we were gonna have. Rehearsing it. When I realized it wasn't going to happen, a series of emotions would sweep across. Sadness led to fear. Twisted thoughts aplenty would follow. But in the end, it was a pretty easy matter to reflect and enjoy thinking about all I/we had gained and learned from each other over the years. So we still talk most nights and we are comfortable with her coming and going.

Perhaps you can gently remind yourself to be open to what stays when you find yourself worrying and being sad about what's gone away.

(((Smilin')))

it is a tough time, smiling. ((smiling))

I'm sorry to read that you're losing loved ones, Smilin. It is difficult enough to go through the loss of one, let alone three in three months. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Thanks, Candle, Jody, Nik

Waiting to hear of the plans for our friend. The day we visited he had taken another down turn, barely recognized us (if he did) and passed away the next day.


Hoping this series of events ends soon.

Guess I can loook at the upside- 2 weddings this month, both of which I will not attend, but.. shows the full-circle of life, once again.

Very shocked to come in tonite and get an email from my brother that my aunts ex-H just passed away. Tho his health hadnt been great for years (he was in a home); this was due to a broken hip.

I have not seen this man in nearly 20 yrs; he and my aunt split up when I was in high school, but, for those early years of my life we would have Sunday dinners at each others house. My aunt (dads sis) has been in my life every step of the way. I have 'that' special bond with her.

I have not yet talked to her- just found out. Not sure I want to either, atm, at least. As, everything is very raw and fresh - yesterday we went to our friends memorial service and I swear I've not been as teary at any one's funeral.. (mass accumulation, I am more than sure).

So, it's gotta stop sometime correct? I re-evaluated about 2 days ago and here's whats been going on this year;

Dec (xmas time) dad gets dx'd with Cancer
Mar - dad's cousin, who was like a brother to him, passed away (and dad wasnt informed until April
Apr - dad passes away
- h's cousines wife passes away
May - sis-in-law's dad passes away
Jun - friend passes away
- ex-uncle passes away....

6 in 4 months, only 2 not to cancer

Services are next week (friday- my day off; my day to head back down to dads to try to wrap things up... I took a week off work this week spent every day down at the house.. returning to work feels more like a vacation atm, then any time off )....

Not sure I am ready for another service... maybe I'll just go thru it unawares (hopefully..and hopefully these others wont resurface, tho they def are not buried)

ty for letting me vent

((((((((((smilin))))))))) I am so sorry for all your losses. I know how hard it can be to deal with 1 but 6 thats a lot for anyone. My mom passed away due to her breaking her hip also.
Last friday my sister was dx's with breast cancer and this wednesday my brother is going back into hospital to have the rest of his foot amputated due to diabetes. I just want to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ((((smilin))))

What a grueling load, Smilin!!! You seem to be holding your own quite admirably. What things do you find to be most helpful?

As for the service, and holding the others at bay... you know they're gonna come to call when they're ready and not when you have them slotted in to your planner. (Although I suppose you could try some scheduling...) Except at a time like this, when you can expect some of it which gives you the advantage of preparing at least a bit.

Whichever way you go, I'm wishing you maximum peace and calm. Thinking of you and hoping you will be seeing sweetness and light soon.

b.

TY Rainbow and IBF

Rainbow I'm really sorry to hear you too have a lot going on. I am finding the weight of one thing after another is a bit more than I can manage (and yet another has popped up, tho not another death, thankfully). Work has taken a bit of it; as has my schedule and really treating myself well, tho I am not pressuring myself much atm either. And, yep, it is tough !

I do wish you continued strength and comfort/peace at this time. I think that has been important to me- having my own time be quite subdued and calm- nothing quite as easily obtained when you have a little one, like you do, to take care of. So, please remember to take some time for yourself- even in little ways.

IBF - ty for acknowledging what's going on and moreso, for the continued encouragement to work my way thru it. For the most part, I guess, I am getting thru it. It is just weighty atm..but, I figure, the year is almost over and hence, perhaps good things will come then. Least all of this has gotten me out of my own personal funk. hope you too are treating yourself well.



I will be sending some prayers to you and your family and hoping for good news for both your sis and bro.

Hmmm..

late hours, foggy head...

that last line was suppose to fall under the paragraph to Rainbow.