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My T and I went around on this on Friday. Parts of me just need for him to say that he cares and is concerned about me. He feels that this is a sign that I need someone to take care of me. I emailed him and said that I just wanted to hear that he is concerned about my eating disorder and stuff like that (and diabetes). I go through times where I want that and then other times, i don't need it and don't ask for it.

My T says that if i can't provide this caring and concern for myself, then it shows that i am still Ill and that maybe parts of me always wants to be ill to some degree. huh? didn't recall thinking that! where did he come up with that? so I got really pissed off and then stuff came out.

I said that I was remembering the time I had the severe overdose and people around me were concerned even him. he was really scared for my health at that point. next sunday it will be 4 years I believe since that happened.......or maybe 3. I am not asking him to make a special trip to the hospital again but just that he is concerned about my health. My diabetes is going in the wrong direction for some reason, I have a normal heart rythm but it beats too fast. its scary. I have all the mental health stuff.

parts of me was remembering that major OD and it felt like it just happened. I wanted him to just say he cares about me and is concerned. but instead he said that he can't be concerned with 40 people's lives and it would not be healthy! I said that I thought he SHOULD care!

so with all that said, i am wondering if other people want someone to be concerned about them at times but their T won't give it? just wondering how 'ill' I really am!

heya roo. no one here is qualified or could tell you how "ill you are". not online on a message board.

what does it mean to you to hear him say that? would it mean it must be true? would it give you something you havent had as a child?

yeah I know that no one can tell me how Ill i am. I guess that was a question I was asking myself outloud.

it hurt me to hear him say that. I have come so far but I am still not completely healed yet. he should know that. sometimes I think he pushes me on purpose. I wanted to rip his head off! I wasn't asking him to be all worried or something, just concerned for my health and about me as a person. I want him to care about me. sometimes it doesn't matter to me and this week it did matter.

I think it also has to do with remembering what I had done on father's day before and that day is coming up and it scares me to know what I had done to my body. people were concerned then. I am so much better now and don't plan on doing that ever again so why can't someone be concerned and care when i am doing better?

I need to go to bed. I am PMSing and this is not a good week for my T to be pushing me to grow or whatever he is doing.

I need a hug Jody :O)

(((Jody)))

I begged my therapist for six years to tell me he cared. Since I was in over my head with transference (I had a crush on him), he declined. This was all explained to me in the book In Session. I think every therapist is different. Some don't care. Some don't care and try to hide it. Some don't care and don't try to hide it. Then some care and tell you. Some care but won't tell you. Some care and are afraid to tell you. Some care and don't think it is "professional" to tell you. It goes on and on. I finally came to the conclusion that my therapist did care because he put up with me but then he ended up abandoning me. Something about he could not help me anymore and he hated filling out the disability form. So go figure. We never know. For what it is worth I think it is NORMAL and HEALTHY to want to know if someone cares. Even people with high self-esteem want to know if someone cares. But people with low self-esteem NEED to know and that is a little bit different.

Dear Roo,
I'm thinking that by the nature of the relationship, we have to trust our Ts and care what they think... or we won't have an optimal circumstance for learning/healing.

I also think that the tricky part of this relationship - for good therapists (aNd us) - is that the T must remain mindful of our therapeutic goals and keep his/her professional hat on no matter what our immediate needs are.

There were definitely times I felt my counselor was the only person who really knew me, who really 'got' me... the only person who would be there for me. On occasion I asked for honesty from him that - in hindsight - was actually kind of unfair of me to request (probably not what you're thinking...!). He 'managed' a truthful answer in such a way that I did not get a direct answer, and so was not totally satisfied. I didn't like that; I felt angry at him and sort of betrayed. But at some point I realized that he had to preserve our working relationship. That's part of his job.


Do you think you want to be ill, Roo? ...It sure seems you've come really really far this last short year!

It seems to me that seeking approval or soothing or caring from our Ts is not necessarily a sign that we want to remain ill either. But...

IF we come across as desperately needing more (whatever it is) than what a therapist is *allowed/supposed/required* to give, [ie, imho: demanding that he state that he cares personally for me] - well, I think that has probably got to be the most difficult times to be either the patient OR the therapist! The Ts have got to implement boundaries they know we won't like, try to remind us that we are one of a dozen or more people they are professionally involved with on a personal level - withOut diminishing our worth...


It ain't easy working toward a healthier, better way.

~ jr

((Roo)) there ya go. i have unlimited hugs. i always want one so bad and in real...it wont happen.

it is hard to ask something directly and not hear the answer we want. we have to learn how to do that. and we all want someone to care, i think, its a basic human need.

first and foremost, we must learn to care for ourselves. i know some here are sick of hearing my inner child stuff, but that sounds to me like inner child. my opinion!

im sorry he? she? didnt tell you what you want to hear. maybe it was his issue, and not yours at all.

hang in and take it one day at a time. small steps lead to the big ones. even knowing the big ones, we still have to learn them.

i think your doing great! funny, like you say why dont people say they care when we arent almost dying? my H didnt even say he loved me till i left him. that was just to get me back. then he is back to calling me names. go figure. i dont think people know how to show things sometimes. we also have to ask for what we need. scary!

instead of asking your T if he cares, why not tell him what you feel. i feel i need to hear you say you care, i wonder why? can we work on that? can he help you not to need that or understand why you do?

its all about you, remember.

Roo - When I read your posting I wonder what it was like for you when you were little. My mom told me that I had problems eating from day 1. Since children learn right away, that nothing is more attention grabbing that food and eating (or not eating) this is the first control tool humans have and use. First step taken, being sick and being tended to is the next logical one when the people whe depend on do not give their love, comfort, warmth, attention, care, and concern freely. So I got sick a lot, worked most of the time and did so with BFs also. I mistook pitty and concern for love. I don't know about you but I constantly need the assurance, that others accept me, are concerned about me, like me etc. ATTENTION OUT THERE, I AM IN PAIN or something like that. A T is someone who is paid to care-or so we think-. They know all about us, we bare our soul, they have the training, so why don't they tell/show us that we count, that they care, that they suffer with us, that they want to help us? Because they do but not to the extend we want them to. This is about giving us the tools, to care about ourselves, to not need to play this absurd game anymore. BTW, I am diabetic also, have been for almost 30 years and hate it more every day. I have never had a stable BS since day one and was always told that this depends not only on diet and such crap but also on psychological stress -which I believe brought it on for me in the first place, combined with a viral infection and Boom, there went the immune system.

stress totally affects blood sugar. and blood sugar affects stress feelings. a vicious cycle.

dramaqueen this caught my eye...you said """I don't know about you but I constantly need the assurance, that others accept me, are concerned about me, like me etc."""". how completely opposite i am with that! how weird is that. i have never had it. i had the opposite teachings and developed some odd coping things to go with it. i wish i had it, but i dont.

interesting, would you like to open a thread about that?

I remember the thread from my online classes but how do I do it on this board?
Interesting that you never had this need. Since I always felt unwanted and never good enough for anything, I craved attention and reassurance while at the same time cultivated the impression that I really DO NOT CARE if anyone likes me or not. The first and most important issue was my weird way of dealing with the opposite sex. Have them pay attention to me, want me, say so, act so and then dump them without any remorse whatsoever-retaliation for prior rejections). On the other hand, I was engaged in some pretty intense and unhealthy long term relationships where I groomed my codependence and enabling to a T. Ts never cared for me because I thought and still do that I am a threat to them. They can't figure me out, I ask too many questions and I never met one that was familiar with BPD (back home that was). To this day they look at me helpless and tell me they have no idea how to address my problems. But then again, I have no way of being seen by a DBT T, we just do not have them around here and I have no way of paying either. So, yes I do think that some of us really need to feel "embraced" by the T, otherwise we feel rejected and damn it, they need to care and be concerned!!!!!