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sometimes i am at work and i just can't help it. i burst into tears at my cubicle, trying to be as quiet as possible, hoping no one can hear me it's so quiet in here...

i work with my grandmother, who is my supervisor, and she is always commenting on the way i look. she gives me praises on days when i look nice, which is really embarrassing in front of my coworkers. and then is always suggesting that i need to buy new clothes on days when i am not feeling so hot and probably don't look my best. today she greeted me with a loud comment "gosh girl you can't even iron your shirts in the morning?" i'm not sure who heard it but i know at least three people saw me running to the bathroom in tears. it is so embarrassing... i just want to go home. i guess it is more than just my grandmother and her inconsiderate comments... i have been arguing with my husband since wednesday night... i feel like no body likes me. no one at work will even talk to me. my coworkers don't even say hi anymore.

i feel so bad i can't even eat my stupid donut. i feel so fat and ugly and frumpy... i feel so bad. i just want to go home.

Hang in there, hon.
I couldn't IMAGINE working with my Grandmother! I don't think I could work with any family members, actually. That non-professional relationship bleeding over (as you describe)...And grandmothers are the best at finding flaws. Love mine dearly, but I just KNOW she's going to tell me that my hair is too shaggy and my clothes are too sloppy and "Why don't you find a nice boy and settle down? Whatever happened to What's-His-Name".

You've got a lot going on with your home situation and it makes sense your emotions may be running at high power. Then that magnifies anything else that feels uncomfortable...
I don't know what you do...I have a few grounding exercises I can practice here at my desk for those days I just can't cope. Mindfulness is a good one, and it only takes a few minutes. Pick one of your senses and focus in on that. Use your senses to get back "in" your body (and out of your head). I've got stress balls and ginger Altoids and some aromatherapy oils and stuffed animals and an iPod full of music. Is there any way you could put on some headphones and tune out to some happy music while you're there? *sigh* At least we HAVE cubicles to cry in.

Maybe we can't make it better for you, but at least you don't have to be all alone. There's a body in Indiana right now thinking about you and wishing you good vibes!

thank you minx for helping me not feel alone. that is the worst part sometimes. i never really thought that a lot of grandmothers could be like that. thought it was just mine!

i'm an accounts recievable clerk at a small corporate office. i basically punch numbers all day which is terribly mind-numbing. we're not allowed to have ipods or stuffed animals at our desks (not professional)... but thank you for reminding me to be mindful. i think i will get a nice big glass of super cold ice water and crunch some ice.

i really appreciate your advice. i feel a little better already... i think i will just try to focus on my work and maybe get it done early so i can call it a day and go home. that's the one good thing about working for a grandmother. she is pretty lenient about stuff like that - as long as the work gets done.

:sigh:

i'm so glad it's friday...

erin

Hey Erin,

Hang in there. Sending some hugs your way.


Caroline

Erin,

Hi.

The generational differences between people such as a grandmother and granddaughter are pretty obvious in scenarios such as the one you describe. "Back in their day", as my mom would say, women didn't venture outside of office jobs such as the one you describe. You explain that your job is "terribly mind-numbing". I am wondering if you wouldn't prefer a different job, one without your grandmother present, and one that would be more interesting to you? When they grew up, (I've heard the stories from my mom, who is actually old enough to be my grandmother), the norm was for women to iron, do housework, raise the kids, work in an office doing bookkeeping and such, be non-engaging, and "look pretty", which is probably the point-of-view your grandmother is coming from with her criticisms of you. In my generation, it seems to be a lot less common for people to iron anything lol. (In fact, I iron a few times a year, on special occasions lol.) I suppose acceptance of where she is coming from, and knowing that it isn't as important for you (or most of the people in my age group, from what it appears to me), to iron or "look pretty", may help when coping with her criticisms.

About the embarrassment of her criticizing you in front of co-workers - from my pov, it's more embarrassing for her, knowing that she is going to put you in tears, to continue to criticize you. You can look as "pretty" as you want to. I would explain that these days, there is no rule that a girl has to "look pretty" by her standards. Her criticisms are her opinion. Mine is mine. Of course, I'm such a smartass, I would probably just pipe back with some comment of my own lol, or a validation of my own pov, such as, "I think I look freaking fantastic", or "I'm happy with the way I look, thanks for giving me your opinion before daybreak. I really wanted to hear that." It's a little more difficult, though, when it's your grandmother you're piping back to, (as I doubt she would understand it). I would probably just validate my own thought, back. Such as, "I think I look fine." But the question, I suppose, is, do you believe her? Do you think you look ok, without adhering to her opinions? Is it really that important for you to look good according to her standards?

Your relationship - sounds difficult, with all of that arguing. I went through a period where my bf and I argued a lot. It was tiring and emotionally-draining.

I hope you feel better. And one of those little things that always helps me, but sometimes I forget when I start feeling insecure and everything and everyone seems to be pointing me out as the target on a dartboard - "Don't take things personally." Their actions and thoughts and ways have nothing to do with you. It's their way.

my granma used to do that...jody you sure are getting fat!

jody, wow, you have a lot of gray in your hair!

i used to just laugh and say yes i do! yes i am!

"dont take things personally" is a good tool for this.

hi aqua and jody, thanks for the input.

i really don't want to be at this job for the rest of my life. i would love to find a new one (far away from any family members!), but the problem is that i don't even like what i do right now. i didn't continue my education after highschool really because i got married right away, and have had dreams about going back to school for psychology or teaching or something... but right now i don't know how realistic that is. i have been going through so much emotionally and in my marriage, i feel like it is best to stay where i am at for right now and just try to work on myself and make the best of it. but sometimes i do feel stuck... the work just isn't fulfilling.

the thing isn't that i really believe what she is saying, even though i do have a pretty low esteem of myself and my physical appearance, but it is something that is important to me and i can be very sensitive about what people think about me and the way i look... i'm not a shallow person, but every female in my family (with the exception of my sister) believes in basically these things: that a woman can't be truly happy unless she is beautiful, has beautiful things, and beautiful children, and everyone else is jealous of her... it's a very bizarre thing to grow up with, but it has rubbed off on me a bit i must admit. i do wish i had nice clothes, but i don't have a lot of money right now (with my husband not working and all). i think it just hits a sore spot because i do try to look nice and take care of myself. it isn't easy do do while dealing with depression and all the moods of bpd at the same time. on the other hand maybe my standards for myself are a bit too high. i'm sure i inherited that lovely trait from my wonderful high-strung perfectionistic female family members as well...

yeah things with my husband have been difficult. i went home for lunch and talked to him about what happened. i got pretty upset and ended up crying a lot again, but we made up and i am feeling a lot better.

minx's suggestion about mindfulness really helped me get through the morning though. i crunched ice so loud, i'm sure my cubicle neighbor thought i was nuts! ah well...

my husband suggested that i tell her about how it makes me feel, but i don't know if that will help anything. she is a cantankerous old lady and i doubt that will change anything. maybe i will just work on accepting that this is just the way it i, and try not to take it so personally.


erin

Haha - yea, grandmas don't usually change. I suppose you can't change them, but you can change the way you think and feel, and act in response.

I'm glad you are feeling better, and that the mindfulness and "not taking things personally" and acceptance approaches are helping out!

thank you.



i went through dbt last year after a hospitalization, and it helped me a lot, but i stopped medication and therapy and kind of just forgot everything and am now finding myself going back to the same place i was in before i even went to the hospital.

ao anyway i came here because i know need to remember all that stuff that helped me so much the first time, like mindfulness and acceptance. i don't want to get back to that place again.

thank you ladies, for helping me remember... i'm glad to be here and i am sure i will be learning new things as well.

erin