BPDRecovery.com: Forums

okay, so i really do fit every one of the diagnostic discriptions of bpd, but i am having an especially hard time with this one and it is running over into all of the other areas of my life...

i feel so confused all of the time. trying to figure out who i am and what i want from life. i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life or what kind of career would make me happy. i register for classes at a community college and cancel right when they start because i keep hving second thoughts... i can't decide whether or not i love my husband and want to be with him because i can't decide whether i am gay or straight... i can't decide what i believe or what religion i should follow... i have converted and reconverted and tried all kinds of things. i am always changing my mind and changing my life around to fit some new vision of myself i come up with in the middle of the night when i am laying awake trying to figure it all out. i have so many interests and hobbies that i could never ever enjoy doing any of them because there just isn't enough time in the day. i don't know who i am or what would make me happy... i feel sometimes like i have multiple personalities because i am always changing so much... not to mention i the fact that i feel i am always someone different with every single person i know!

does this ever get easier? will i ever find my real true self or wil i be running around in circles my whole life? how will i ever figure this out? i have talked and talked and talked in therapy, only to change my mind right after i thought i had it all figured out. maybe this doesn't seem like a "serious" problem, but it debilitates me. i get so depressed and feel so hopeless... like i am just nothing. like i might as well not exist. like i am not even a real person. and then i just want to hurt myself... binge on food and alchohol and marijuana until i black out and wake up covered in my own humiliation... burn myself to punish myself for being so worthless... shut out everyone i love because i don't feel like they understand or i feel like they judge me as being inconsistent or insincere or phoney or just crazy... maybe i really just hate myself and i just do this to myself to run away from who i really am. but i don't know how to stop running.

what can i do?

Hi Pink,

Sounds like we have a lot in common! I'll be 40 in a couple of months, and I haven't settled on a spiritual practice yet. I also have many interests and hobbies, most of which I never pursue because I can't figure out which one to focus on first. I like to think of my life as an adventure, and myself as a work in progress. I give myself permission to experiment and try new things. I also try to remind myself that I don't have to pursue every interest and hobby right now, or even on a regular basis. I can put some things on a back burner, save them for a weekend, or later in the year, or maybe even for retirement.

The line that really struck me in your post was this one: "i feel i am always someone different with every single person i know!" I may be reading too much into it, or remembering my own life experiences too vividly, but is it possible that you're looking outside yourself for answers to questions about your sexuality, career, and religious beliefs? I know it's difficult to look within and figure out what is really important to you, but since you're the only one inside your skin, living your life, you're the only one who knows what's right for you. There's a book called The Artist's Way that has a lot of great exercises for working on this sort of thing.

Take care,

EmJay

hi emjay, thanks for the reply... i do tend to look outside of myself for answers sometimes... and i see it in the way i interact with people... but i am just all around confused. i spend a lot of time alone, so i don't know if i can say that i really try to do it for others or if it is a product of what i think others want from me... it is more like... hmmm, the words are hard to find... i am just confused confused confused!

i am trying to give myself permission to explore and experiment and grow because i know i am young and i will probably figure a lot of that stuff out *eventually*... but like for example in regards to my sexuality, i feel like it is impossible to know because i am married and i know i shouldn't cheat on my husband (though i developed a relationship with a friend that turned into a lot more recently)... this is an issue that has been bothering me since i have been married. it is a long story, but i have been deeply madly in love with women in ways that i have never felt for a man... of course they were straight so it never worked out (my marriage was kind of a rebound thing after a really difficult fallout with my best friend because i was in love with her)... and i know i am definately more sexually attracted, but at the same time i love my husband as a friend and a partner, just not sexually (and of course the fighting complicates it even more and just makes me want to run away)... so do i want to run away because i am gay and i want to be with a woman, or because i just can't stand fighting with him anymore? i'm sure that plus the bpd and depression has a lot to do with how crappy our sex life has been as well...

why is everything so complicated?!!! i can't even make sense of this issue, let alone all of the others!

:sigh:

sorry. all of this stuff just really hurts. i feel like my mind has been mixed in a blender today...

erin

i know i am probably overthinking all of this and should just be trying to work on one thing at a time... be more easy on myself and not expect to figure it out all right now. but there are some things i just feel like i need to know or else i won't be able to move forward. i just get stuck.

thanks for reading my stupid babblings...

erin

[quote="pinkyellowbluegreen"]
ifor example in regards to my sexuality, i feel like it is impossible to know because i am married and i know i shouldn't cheat on my husband (though i developed a relationship with a friend that turned into a lot more recently)... this is an issue that has been bothering me since i have been married. it is a long story, but i have been and i know i am definately more sexually attracted, but at the same time i love my husband as a friend and a partner, just not sexually (and of course the fighting complicates it even more and just makes me want to run away)... so do i want to run away because i am gay and i want to be with a woman, or because i just can't stand fighting with him anymore? i'm sure that plus the bpd and depression has a lot to do with how crappy our sex life has been as well...

I found this part interesting. You seem to know -not guess anymore- that you are more attracted to women. So there would be an explanation why you want to leave your husband, who of course is a man. No matter what and who he is, wouldn't it be too much to ask to stay married? Because sexual intimacy is part of a marriage/relationship and if you are so disgusted by him physically, how would that ever develop into a working marriage? It sounded to me that you already made up your mind. And it will not be enough for him to just be your friend, trust me. I have been in a sexless marriage for years because of multiple reasons and it was something we never discussed. Looking back I think I should have had the courage to make decision because it was not fair to either one of us. Cheating is not really an alternative and to try to "make things work" might just prolong your (and his) misery, IMHO.
As to the question who you are, maybe try to figure out who you really would like to be, where your comfort zone with yourself could be. Like in sexuality, friendships, things you are good at and enjoy(might lead to a preference re. job?), and so on. It did help me to figure out the person underneath all the crap and behind the mask really is, could be and wants to be. Once you have these answers, you could look for ways to get there. Just to undo the chaos a bit, like cleaning the paperwork from your desk, make huge piles, than smaller piles, look for folders, label them and finally put all the stuff away. Just an idea......

((((dramaqueen))))

thank you... for the advice... and i want you to know you have said something that has really struck a chord in me. this is crazy! yeah i've pretty much known for a couple of years that i am a LESBIAN!!! but i don't wanna be! i wish i wasn't! i have been denying it on and off again... and i keep coming back around to it. i have even confessed it to him a couple of times, but taken it back because i was scared and afraid of being alone and what it would mean having to figure out what being a lesbian is supposed to be like, what everyone will think about me, etc etc...

maybe i am partially right about the whole "running away from my real self" thing. this is aweful...