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so after all the things i posted here and taking some feedback i got in one of my threads on friday (identity crisis) i was feeling pretty stirred up and emotional... just thinking about why i am still with my husband when all i can think about is wanting to be with someone else, wanting to come out for good and stop lying to myself about who i am and what i want... it isn't fair to stay with him. it isn't fair for him or me.

anyway, i ended up having a pretty severe meltdown friday night. i'm not even sure what started it... i guess the emotional pressure and anxiety was just bearing down on me and i just snapped. i had a horrible fight with my husband that lasted for 8 hours... raging, screaming, crying, threatening suicide... running down the street without any shoes... standing in the middle of the road (we live on a busy street) wishing that some big suv would come flying down the road and smash me into oblivion... i tried so hard to hurt myself. my husband restrains me, even though he usually hurts me, so i can't do anything. all my scissors, razors, lighters, are gone... i really wanted to die. when i look back i know he should have taken me to the hospital. i told him not to because i knew my grandmother would be upset if i had to miss work... then i asked him to take me to talk to someone i didn't care who... i would rather be in the hospital... anywhere, but here - at like 3am.

i feel okay right now, but this hasn't happened in a while. i feel so bad and so depressed. i don't want to die now, but i hate my life and i hate myself. i don't know what to do. my grandmother says it would kill her if i ever have to go back to the hospital again.

it was a long weekend. i am getting closer and closer to the reality that we will probably be getting a divorce soon.

i can't take it. i have been trying to be so strong. to be there for my sister and help her. to be kind and understanding to my husband and try to give him a chance... but there is something wrong with me.

Try to remember when you feel down and hard on yourself. Everyone is a little bruised, battered, and has something *wrong* with them. Noone can truly know how you feel unless they have walked a mile in your shoes.

I used to subscribe to the opinion that God, Buddha, whatever you like never gives you more than you can bear at one time. I spent a lot of time thinking that God must think I am a really strong person. I ended up having a mental and emotional break down. My T told me one day that I am not superwoman and that we all have to learn our limits. If you feel that you situation is too overwhelming and think you should check into a hospital or want to get away, then you should... even if it is just for a little while. Your problems won't go away, and they will be waiting for you when you get back. Getting away sometimes allows you to think about everything without any of the other distractions... like hearing more about your sisters problems or dealing with your husband.

Anyway, my thoughts are with you.

It sounds like you had a very scary experience. I have also done similar to this in the past. I hope you overcome your anxieties and feel better.

Do you have a therapist, and are you on meds?

thank you... i appreciate that. i will be trying to take care of myself, but if it gets this bad again i don't know if i will feel safe... it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. if i need to check into a hospital i will try. my husband says he is on "suicide watch" maybe i will talk to him and ask him to take me there if this happens again. i hope not...



yeah i have had this happen so many times. there were times in the past where it would happen every night for weeks and on and off for months and months...

i haven't seen my therapist in 3 months... we were dealing with this stuff - about my marriage and my sexuality and my past of abuse and all the other difficult things - and i thought i was getting myself together so i kind of just stopped going. i know i should make another appointment. i feel really bad because i still owe him a lot of money for copayments so i have been avoiding calling him...

i haven't been on meds for a little over a year, but i think it is time to go back on something... the depression gets so bad i find myself disociating all the time and kind of disconnecting from reality. effexor was the only thing that worked for me, but i don't know how much i like it. it made me *feel* medicated and unlike myself... and it made me really sick whenever i would miss a pill. i am thinking about going back to my pdoc asking about welbutrin or celexa...

bleh................. today sucks.

erin

Sounds like your husband could stand to set a few boundaries with you. When I did this kindof stuff to my bf, he just left. He went and got in his car, and didn't come back for a few days. If I hurt myself, well, too bad. That was my stuff, and my responsibility. Because I did not want to end up in the hospital or with the police, I restrained myself from doing it. It takes control.

I think I was doing it because I wanted someone to set a boundary. I wanted the father I never had, the one who stopped me from acting like a baby, the one who paid attention to me and disciplined me. When I got that, I stayed with the bf who did it for me, and I stopped doing it.

Not sure if any of these feelings or thoughts pertain to your situation....

Sometimes I will go in a store and allow myself to be childish. I run off because I know he will hunt me down and yell at me. It feels good that he cares. It's something I never had. I've talked about it with my bf, and he understands where it comes from. I am needing it less these days, because he has proven to me that he can set boundaries and he has the knowledge and ability to understand and handle the situation.

Perhaps lead your husband to The Nook? Sounds like he could possibly be co-dependent-ish. http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm His following you around while you rage isn't doing the job. He has to set boundaries.

As for you, do you think you could learn to discipline yourself? What good is raging doing for you? Perhaps make a list of all the things in your life that you would like to change? I know that when I was in a situation with a man who didn't love me (which I don't think is your case, or your husband wouldn't be following you around while you raged, although I am not sure what you don't like about him, or what his problems are), I raged a lot. I think I was angry because he couldn't be what I needed him to be. I also raged because I was going nowhere in life. I wasn't growing, I had no career goals, I had nothing in my life that I enjoyed.

Not sure if any of this pertains to you, but obviously the "grin-and-bear-it" coping system, with no life changes, isn't working for you.

this pretty much describes me, where i am at right now... i think i can relate to most of the stuff you said, but really i'm not sure exactly why i do it. it has a lot to do, i think, with me stuffing my emotions... stuffing them in and down deep inside of me until they build up and build up and i can't hold them in. it is all the things you just said here and more. i don't think my husband is co-dependant. he loves me. he doesn't want me to hurt myself. but mostly he is just stubborn as a bull. he always has to be right and see things through and be the strong one. he is definately a father figure to me, there is no denying that. he is that way with everyone (and the fact that he is 12 years older than me probably helps with that too)... but the thing is i hate it. i want to be independant and take care of myself and figure myself out and get my life together. i have a lot of resentment and anger towards him... i don't know why.

i want to change my life and the way i deal with things. i really do... i feel like i can't do it with him around. sometimes i think i do this to make him leave me, but it never works. i always feel more stuck in the end because he tries his best to be there for me and help me feel better afterwards. he has been nicer than he has ever been in the past 3 days and i feel so guilty for all of this...

i don't know if any of this makes sense. thank you for sharing your thoughts with me...

erin

I just wanted to respond to this part, altho I can fully understand you're situation and how scary that night must have been for you and yours as I've had similar situations.

However 2 comments here: One, you say that it would kill your grandmother if you were to be in the hosp again? How would you're grandmother feel if you were to end up dead or hurt? Probably a hell of a lot worse then if you went in the hosp. I've had to gently explain this to my daughter, that while it might have been scary when I had to go in the hosp, it was a place I had to go to keep me safe and help me get better. I think if you were to explain this to your grandmother, she would be a lot less aprehensive if you had to go in again.

And second, I really don't think the problem here lies so much with all these other people you are concerned about, but moreso that you're losing focus on taking care of YOURSELF and doing what you need to do for YOU. I think when you spend a bit more time on that, then you will see yourself as less of a problem, less that there is somethign wrong with you, and MORE that you are someone that can help herself, take care of herself, and make herself stronger.

Try shifting your focus and I think you'll have a better outlook. Actually, you and me both need to do this. With me, if I stare at only the crap in life, of course all I'm going to feel and think about is crap!

you going to the hosp or not has nothing to do with your granma, only you.

with my daughter, and her kids, and ok, also me, this is what i say to them. mom is sick again and will be away while she gets better. we all love you, and yes, this is hard, but im here and you will be safe and taken good care of. dont worry, it is nothing to do with you. just a illness she has. its ok if you worry about her.

while i might say, if my daughter does this again, it will kill me, its only my way of expressing how hard it was, how much it hurt me, and how old i feel tending to 2 kids. i know what has to be done, and why and will always do it. i usually cant figure out if they keep me young or simple are killing me faster! lol...joke.

but someone going to the hosp is scary, and it hurts a lot when we care about you.

i would explain to her, you understand how much it hurts, but it has to be done and you know she is strong and has lived thru a lot and will live thru even more. and that you love her.

just my 2 cents in the pot from my experiences.*

thank you laura and jody... i really appreciate that. i know i have been a lot more concerned about what my family will think about all this than i should be. i have been having these kinds of problems since i was a little kid... i know it would be nothing new to them... the important thing is that i take care of myself and get help when i need it... i am realizing this.i actually talked to my grandmother a few days ago about this and about going into the partial hospitalization program for dbt... she was very understanding. i think me talking about it with her beforehand helps her see that i am trying to take care of myself and that i am being careful about my condition... i know it is probably better than to get a call late at night or something and be suprised with it.thanks again for your advice ladies... it is good to know that someone cares.erin

for me, the suddeness is very hard. yes.....

i wasnt meaning to minimize your grandmothers pain,, but that is still hers to deal with and your first priority is you and your health and well being.

good luck with it!