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""""I am this way, too. My goal is to learn that my emotions give me all the information and validation I need. If someone is eating all my food, and I feel anxious and angry, then I don't need validation from other people that they would feel anxious and angry, too.""""

i didnt want to hijack the other thread so i brought this here. i hope its ok.

wow, how do you plan to learn to do that? i would love to be in that place.

tyia* jody

Hmmm

Feelings. I can have them, regardless of what they are, what they are about, if they make sense. I don't need someone else to tell me my feelings are right/wrong, in that my feelings belong to me. They reflect my view of the immediate moment - how I am thinking at the time.

My feelings might make sense to the situation, or they might not, at all. Unfortuantely (or not) classic bpd experience is feelings a bit disproportionalte to the sitaution. Just because I have a feeling doesn't mean anything. It just means, I have a feeling.

Validation is looking externally, imo, to make sense of something. Validation doesn't really make my feeling or thought OK, as it's just someone's opinion. And the tricky part is one can alway find someone that would validate and invalidate any thought/feeling I can come up with.

So, how I approach what I think you are commenting on is to grasp the difference between thoughts and feelings, and what validation is. My experience is that if I grasp these concepts, I can better master them.

So - feelings are emotions. They are related to MY thoughts. My thoughts may be sound or not. My feelings are not right or wrong, they are related to how I am thinking. Seeking validation is seeking reassurance from someone else that how I feel and/or how I think makes sense ... to them.

Validation is an getting reassurance that I make sense. However, one person might think I make sense and another might not. That's the reason to let go of validation as the thing to rely on.

To refocus, understand that feelings are just that, and it's the thinking that an be distorted and influence us emotionally.

my 87 cents


Molly

thanks for sharing, molly. i am having great difficulty having this make sense to me and finding out why i need the validation to know if im right or wrong....

I know that for me, I needed that validation because I didn't trust myself one bit. I also couldn't quite figure out what was real and what wasn't, so having someone else validate things for me made them concrete and real. Once I started getting stronger at my use of the tools, I began to trust myself more, and found I needed less validation. I still need it, but it's not that desperate "OMG, someone has to tell this is real or I'll go nuts" like it used to be for me.

I'm sorry, I wasn't on the board for a day or so and didn't see this thread till just now.

Well the first step for me is awareness. I am learning to recognize the times when I am telling someone something with the hope that they will agree with me and validate me. There's an intensity to it (and anxiety) when my goal is to get this from someone that is lacking in other types of exchanges....a sort of deep neediness, a deep feeling of not being okay unless I get the feedback I'm looking for. In 12 step talk, this is called focusing on the problem rather than the solution. I find that I feel better afterward if I talk to a friend not about the dreadful thing that so-and-so did (so they can agree with me that oh yes, it's just dreadful), but about the positive ways I can take care of myself in the situation.

i dont really want someone to agree with me. i dont even know if im right or wrong. usually i will want someone to tell me if my gut says its wrong, they also see it that way so i will know,,,as trinity said, what is real and what isnt.

i do not trust my own instincts or ways i see things at all. others are my only way to get a second opinion to see if im off the wall or not.

i def dont expect someone to agree with me, more like for them to tell me how they see something. then i will compare theirs with how i see something, and see how close i am or not.

i dont have the deep neediness stuff.

""""I find that I feel better afterward if I talk to a friend not about the dreadful thing that so-and-so did (so they can agree with me that oh yes, it's just dreadful), but about the positive ways I can take care of myself in the situation."""" maybe i misunderstood your intent. i dont know what the situation IS, or if i see it correctly. i am a step behind you there, i wouldnt be ready to know how to take care of me since i dont know what the thing is to begin with.

so it isnt what you were meaning, i guess..............

"""I also couldn't quite figure out what was real and what wasn't, so having someone else validate things for me made them concrete and real.""" Trinity hit it closer with this.

someone used the analogy --maybe ann--of the person eating all the food. i would not know or feel comfortable not liking it as i couldnt tell if it was wrong or not. then i would think if what i wanted to do about it was right or wrong. this is a left over of how i was taught when i was a kid. i never learned any different so now im trying to. i find i have no idea how to do it. i have a lack of self preservation or the ability to trust my own self where im concerned.

I agree that Trinity's post sums it up pretty well for me, too.